Different but not...can u help?

[Scott33]

I've been reading the board since December. I've looked to see if anywhere on the internet was a more appropriate place to seek support, and then I realized, sadly, that my situation was exactly like all of yours. I will tell you that I have been "married" to my husband for 22 years, and that I am also male. (We are gay). If that is a problem for you, please just move on. But if you can see in your heart that my pain is yours, I could really use some encouraging words, as I feel lost.
On Dec 6, 2010 he told me was leaving. D-day. Ironic. Marriage was actually really good. Friends first, never really fought (probably bad, I know), always had what we needed and wanted, similar interests, really enjoyed our time together until the last couple years.
He began mentioning things daily about how getting older sucked, and that he never really followed all his dreams. Wasn't quite sure "who he was." Might even need to get some cosmetic work done to feel better.
He looked up old "friends" (mostly boyfriends from 25 years ago) on facebook cause I guess he wanted to relive some youth (he's 47 and I'm 42. Together since I was 20).
He became good friends with an ex that had remained single all these 22 years. He didn't hide that friendship from me. What he did hide for the last 6 months were the 300 texts a day and private conversations to, from, and at work, but never at home.
The day he said he was leaving to "find himself" I asked him if he was having an affair. How could I when my friend is 2000 miles away and we haven't been in the same room in 25 years he said. You're crazy. I explained to him what an emotional affair was. He said no, he needed to find himself.
It took him just 3 weeks to get an apartment in town. Just 4 days after leaving our home, his "friend" came to visit. All our mutual friends told me, but he did not.
I have read the book and all the advice. I am trying to focus on myself and move on. I don't initiate calls or texts, yet he calls and texts me every day. Even while his "friend" was here to tell me he was "depressed and sad but didn't know why."
I'm seeing a counselor who says, sadly, that I'm actually coping pretty well, and is amazed that I have been able to respond to my husband with nothing but kindness and love, not vengeance and hate.
I was actually moving away from shouldering the blame and feeling like garbage put to the side of the road when my ex showed up at my door two nights ago. He announced that it was very important that we remain friends as he would always love me and the only thing he couldn't pack in the u-haul was "his heart." Sadly, I think he meant it. I actually was strong and told him that though I was hurting, I would never want to look back and feel that I had been cruel or hateful. That I could not, though it would make me feel better in the moment, it was not who I was and how I felt. I told him that I would, in fact, always love him, which is why I let him go with only kind words (I actually helped him pack the uhaul).
So why do I feel so horrible now? Because I slept with him that night. He fell asleep next to me like no time had passed, and didn't let go. And in the morning - here's the strange part - I didn't fall apart emotionally. Though we had connected emotionally more than we had in a year, beyond the physical, I felt so separate the next morning as I sent him away.
Have I stopped caring in the midst of my hurt? Did I take some subconscious pleasure that he seemed to miss and need me? Have I just lost my mind?
His confusion is clear to me and those around us, as our friends question what the hell he is doing. The only person seemingly in his corner is his "friend" who clearly has an agenda.
And yes, he continues to text and call since that night. I don't answer them and then he keeps trying, worried that I "might not be all right."
Did he finally meet his 2 year fantasy in the flesh and the reality just 4 days after leaving me was too much for him to process, as my counsellor suggested? Yes, I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" four weeks ago, just like everyone else.
We had dinner (just dinner) out last night. I accepted HIS invite as I hoped he had wanted to talk openly about things. It was more than civil, it was actually friendly and genuine, but very topical and safe in our conversation. Strangely, he kept expressing concern that I had lost too much weight. Asked if I had bought new clothes, commented on how great I looked. Asked about our dogs. And then, out of the blue, made the strangest remark. "You remember my sister-in-law who left my brother and her kids for that guy 20 years ago." Yes, I said. "Well, I looked her up and she said that if she could go back she would never have done that."
I looked at him and said (devoid of any emotion) - "That's truly sad. I think a lot of people in her shoes have found that it would have been easier to fix a marriage where there was love, than to try to build a life all over again. Guess it comes back to that "greener grass" thing..." And I left it at that. Then I changed the topic.
I think he is living in a reality of his own creation to justify his actions and thoughts.
Strangely he asked how I was sleeping, and made a point to let me know that he was only getting a couple hours a night. I didn't ask why. In fact I didn't ask anything all through dinner.
I drove him to his new apartment. He invited me in, but I said I had to get home to the dogs. He leaned over and kissed me (not a peck but I did not reciprocate). I know he felt I was cold, though we had been intimate just a couple nights previous. He just looked at me and started to tear up. I said goodbye and he got out. I did tear up driving away.
He goes from seeming to "need me desperately" to "complete immersion in his fantasy world" these days. At one point he actually said he pretends that he's "on vacation" at his new apartment. In my mind he's obviously vacationing in crazy town.
I'm worried that it's odd that I cried non-stop for a week, in between missing him, and then imagining horrible things that would punish him. All the while showing him only positive loving support, and only when he reached out to me. Each day I got stronger and cried less. Then after 10 days when I finally met him in person, I was intimate and strangely felt very little. Is this the ambivalence? Or have I been hurt so badly that I can't love? I look at him, and sometimes I think he's a complete stranger that I don't know.
I'm not sure what kind of guidance I'm looking for, other than some confirmation that I'm not completely insane. I think he would be having an easier time if I were the hateful person he seems to expect me to be towards him, even as he professes a need to be the "best of friends because I will always love you."
Yes I know he entertained his friend 4 days after he moved out. Yes the thought of that obsessed me and made me physically ill. And yes, I still found kindness and love for him in my heart to the point that I could only truly hope that one day he finds happiness and self truth. I don't know where I will be when that happens. When he announced he was leaving, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep him in my life. But I've accepted that I can't "help" him. Now I realize that he does need to find himself, and he can only do that for himself. It doesn't mean I don't hurt.
So who's really lost here? Me or him? He actually asked me not to cry over the past the morning he left (as he announced that he would be taking one of our "special" coffee mugs so that he could imagine he was having coffee with me still, each morning). I told him that I don't cry for the past, but for the loss of our future - our hopes and dreams - that are gone. The past is never gone. I don't think he grasped that.
So, those of you with wisdom that can see past the gender difference and recognize the universal truth in my story, please find it in your heart to give me some wisdom and advice.
I could use some outside advice, as my family and friends want me to hate him and break communication. They can not understand how I find it in my heart to love and support his decision through my pain. I think it is confusing for him too.
Help.

[angel61]

Hi Scott,
Gender considerations aside, your sitch is very much like everyone elses here. I suggest you read through a few of the threads to see what people do. Read the boooks as well.
You do however seem to have the instinct to emotionally detach, which is great. Although it may be also that you have entered the denial stage.

You husband seems to have sympotms of a mid life crisis, so read up on that as well. Its crazy time, thats true, with lost of confusion, cycling, ambivalence. Do not get drawn into his crazy world.

Its true that when this things happen, the rug gets pulled out from under your feet, and you will feel misreable, and as lost or even worse than your mate. You need to pause, take a deep breath, and think. Decide what you want - and set your goals. As for family and friends - it is your life, not theirs. Turn to them for support, for someone to listen, but the cchoice to hate, not forgive, break up is only yours. Many here have gone through the same things as you have and you will learn.

Take care and read on!

[Scott33]

Thank you angel. It's nice to have someone relate. Although I have friends and family to talk to, they still can't seem to walk in my shoes. That's when I question my sanity. I've been reading the posts here for 4 weeks before I posted today. That's why I've consciously done some of the things I've done.
The one thing that I haven't done consciously, though, is the emotional detachment you mention. It just seems to be happening. Wondered if that was a self-preservation instinct. Do you think denial can be in the subconscious?
Thanks for listening. I needed that.

[Denver_2010]

Hi Scott. I'm really sorry that you find yourself here. But it is a really good place to get support and advice. One thing to keep in mind though, is that no one, not your friends, family, or the people on this board are in your shoes. No one can tell you how to feel or respond to your H's actions. These are your choices. I know that my friends and family are starting to think that I'm crazy for being so patient with my situation with my W. Actually, today, I kind of think that I may be crazy but that's a post for my thread.

My advice to you is to read Divorce Remedy by MWD. Specifically, the chapter or pages on "the last resort technique" (LRT). The reason that I point you to that chapter is that MWD states in that book that if your S has physically separated from you, you should start LRT ASAP. My W physically left our home at the very end of November and I have been in LRT ever since. Mixed results so far. I also agree with Angel that this may be mid life crisis stuff (MLC). I would read up on that. There is actually a separate forum on this website that I hear gets lots of traffic.

Lastly, I will just repeat some advice that I've gotten off of here.

1. Patience - You must have patience with this process bc reconcilliation can take a very long time. Again, you are in charge of the choices you make in regards to whether or not you want reconciliation. Only you can decide when you've had enough. But if you do want to reconcile, it may take a while.

2. GAL - Get a life... go make yourself happy. Do things that you have always wanted to do. Start a new hobby. Make you H wonder if you HAVE decided to move on without him and be curious about all of the fun that you are having!

3. Don't panic - Normally, I'd put this as #1, but you don't seem to be panicking at this stage. Angel may be right that it is denial, I don't know. Either way, just don't panic. And definitely don't make decisions while you are panicking or in an emotional state of mind.

Good luck Scott! We're all pulling for each other here.

[Scott33]

So today I wake up feeling not so strong, and not so upbeat. In fact, I'm downright depressed. Last night I got a text from H asking when our previously planned vacation with friends and their kids was scheduled (already rented a house in Costa Rica and bought plane tickets). I gave him the dates via text and nothing more. He responded that he was asking for the time off at work. Apparently he plans to still go. An hour later he texts that "Vacation is 12 weeks away...so long, I need a vacation now." I responded simply, "What would life be without something to look forward to." No more communication.

So this morning, I find myself so sad. The last couple days I have felt empowered. Not today. Was I in fact "moving on" in my mind and when he gives me these glimmers of "hope" and he still seems to call and text daily since I don't ever contact him - do I actually want him back more than I'm willing to admit to myself? Lately I've had really clear moments of actually "wanting" to go on alone. Maybe fear, maybe hurt.

I reread LRT and it seems that I must have committed it to memory when I read it 4 weeks ago when this started, as I seem to be doing all of those things. And he seems to be curious, and maintains contact. He asks for "dates" but I'm not sure why he needs to see me. Is it to relieve guilt? Is it to reconnect? I don't think he really knows is my guess. He's obsessed with my appearance (new clothes, new hair) and new attitude (not depressed around him). And interestingly, I knew that his "friend" (the EA that turned PA 4 days after leaving me) "decided" not to come for a planned visit next weekend. Not sure why.
Oh, and H wanted to friend me on facebook, which is where he posted the above info on the OM to another mutual friend who wanted to make plans next weekend.
So is he insane? Confused? Why does he seem to still "need" me so much? One other interesting note...for the last 4 weeks since D-day, he has ONLY used the "divorce" in relation to our future. The last 2 times we have spoken (and I did not mention anything about a future at all) he managed to reference our status as "separated" three times during normal conversation as it related to other things. Has not used the word "divorce" since.
Am I over-analyzing? And how do I get strong and self-confident again?

[HRT]

Hi Scott,
Just wanted to say that I could relate to some of your SITCH. It hurts when S is involved with an X (or anyone) I know all to well. And as far as feeling ok one day, than depressed the next. That's just the way it is. I'm still dealing with emotions all over the place 3 months later.

I feel like I don't know my S too.

Seems like he wants his cake and eat it too.

I read something once about "greener grass" I am going to do my best to remember it and repeat it,

The grass might look greener on the other side of the fence, but when you cross that fence and go to that grass it will wilt beneath your feet.....and the grass that you left behind will again flourish and thrive.....that's not exactly how it went...but I am sure you get the idea. Hang in there.

[Denver_2010]

Scott - Haven't heard from you in a while. How is it going?