Can't seem to tell what stage or what i'm doing

[Metal]

Maybe i'm just talking to myself, but here goes...

She spent the day at the beach on Sunday to "think", and get some clarity. She really enjoyed it, and was in a pretty good mood when she got back home.. until she dropped the bomb - that her clarity was that she needed more separation, to move out. She said that I needed to think of a solution to get her out. I calmly said that I understood, but did not agree, and did not want to help her with it (since i didn't agree). Well... she didn't like that at all. She said that I wasn't allowed in the bedroom anymore, and should take my clothes out, and consider that area her "new apartment". Out of respect, I agreed that I would (hadn't been sleeping in there anyway since her 12/13/10 bomb).

So, I've given a small boundary, right. But, she is totally withdrawn from me.. not even friendship right now. I'm worried that this "boundary" has hurt my sit. I know that I have been a chronic fixer in the past (part of our M-breakdown). But i'm feeling like maybe I should bend some more.. and it's tearing me up. I already feel like i'm bending over - sleeping in the S5 room, and now moving my clothes up there, and agreeing to not enter W's room anymore.

Am I setting good boundaries here? or am I breaking R ??

[Grocerykartman]

2x4 time.


Go back to your room. Who is she to tell you you aren't allowed in HER? bedroom anymore? If the last you checked your name is on the deed and mortgage (though don't say it like that to her because it will get you nowhere), then go back. Because that is not a healthy separation for YOU. You will probably just end up resenting her more and more for relegating you to your son's room. That's not healthy for you or your son. In fact, leave that room for your son's benefit if nothing else. What's he supposed to think when he sees that?

I don't believe in stirring up unecessary arguments out of pride or anger, but this is a matter of right and wrong and appropriate separation from your son. I know you're resistant to tell her no on this, but if you don't....I would be shocked like I've never been shocked by anything if it actually helps your sitch.

In answer to your question, this is a terrible boundary to not set for yourself, that being your own sleeping arrangements.

[MrBond]

I don't see how you think that you built a boundary. She did by kicking you out of your own bedroom. How are your day to day interactions? Do you enjoy not sleeping in the bedroom?

[Denver_2010]

You are not talking to yourself Simple. I'm having problems getting my posts up too. I'm really not sure what is going on. Anyway...

Bond and Grocery are absolutely right. You didn't set a boundary, she did. Go back to your bedroom. Your W is the one that wants the S, let her find a new place to sleep and dress.

My 2 cents.

BITS
DEnver

[Metal]

My boundary is that I'm not going to help her find or pay for an apartment. And I'm paying for that boundary right now, by her 2nd day of basically no-communication with me. Prior to this, we were quite friendly, and even went out to lunch, and talked in the evenings, etc. Now I think she is mad, and is desperately looking for a job and a way out.

I do enjoy my bed. She really loves it though. Its a big room with a big bathroom. I chose (after her 12/2010 bomb) to give her some separation by going upstairs with S5. S5 and D11 love it, D11 comes in with us too. We have started praying in the evenings together, and D11 has been pretty upset by the whole crisis. I am building a very tight bond with the kids, and even made some recent progress w/SS17. It may seem weird, but we raised our kids in our bed. S5 has only been in his "own" bed since about 1 year ago, prior he was in our bed. I don't know.. does that change your opinion at all? I really want to know. I'm going to give this some thought. The other thing to mention, is that I have asked the inlaws to move out, and they'll leave at the end of Feb, at which time W plans to move to that part of the house. So, I see this a one-more-month. I don't know. I love her, and I want to buy as much time as I can, but I don't want to be a doormat either.

[Grocerykartman]

My boundary is that I'm not going to help her find or pay for an apartment.

Good Boundary. Let her do the work.

And I'm paying for that boundary right now, by her 2nd day of basically no-communication with me. Prior to this, we were quite friendly, and even went out to lunch, and talked in the evenings, etc. Now I think she is mad, and is desperately looking for a job and a way out.

I think this is no different than when your kid wants something and you tell him he or she can't have it, and then they give you the silent treatment or pout about it. You are not paying for anything, rather, you are just being presented with very childish behavior. She didn't get her way, so she's going to give her own husband the silent treatment. Very poor character on her part. You didn't do anything wrong here.

I do enjoy my bed. She really loves it though. Its a big room with a big bathroom.

If the tables were turned and you wanted to leave, would you have much respect for her if she also offered to leave the bed and give you a bedroom all to yourself?

I chose (after her 12/2010 bomb) to give her some separation by going upstairs with S5. S5 and D11 love it, D11 comes in with us too. We have started praying in the evenings together, and D11 has been pretty upset by the whole crisis. I am building a very tight bond with the kids, and even made some recent progress w/SS17. It may seem weird, but we raised our kids in our bed. S5 has only been in his "own" bed since about 1 year ago, prior he was in our bed. I don't know.. does that change your opinion at all? I really want to know.

I am not personally in favor of that kind of raising arrangement, but it may be fine for others. Regardless, it is neither here nor there for this topic. I will say, though, that it sounds like you are rationalizing to some degree here. I think you know deep down where YOU should be sleeping.

I'm going to give this some thought. The other thing to mention, is that I have asked the inlaws to move out, and they'll leave at the end of Feb, at which time W plans to move to that part of the house. So, I see this a one-more-month. I don't know. I love her, and I want to buy as much time as I can, but I don't want to be a doormat either.

I get what you're saying about buying time. Seems like a short term loss for a long term gain. Are your inlaws truly moving out then? What if there is a snafu and they don't?

Let's put it this way about being a doormat. Despite what I said above, my opinion, Mr Bonds opinion, anyone else's opinions on here really are just that, opinions. If you don't feel like a doormat whatsoever, then don't let us talk you into feeling like you are. But if that voice in the back of your head starts to whisper doormat, you have every right to reclaim your room. Your wife might be pi..ed, but she'll get over it. You can't always get what you want, most of us learn that early on, but some WAS's seem to forget that. Either way, what you feel is acceptable is ultimately up to you. I'd have been remisced though if I hadn't brought out the 2x4 in the last post.

[Metal]

I appreciate the advice. I want advice. That's why I'm here.
I'm thinking about going back to the bedroom.
But is it worth a fight? Isn't my goal right now, to be her friend? And to detach? Seems like these two ideas are conflicting.

[MrBond]

If you enjoy the bed and you weren't the one who had problems with the M, then why should you leave? There comes a point where you start standing up for yourself.

You're not forcing her to do anything. That is your house isn't it? It is your bedroom also correct?

I can tell you this much, even though you've given her the bedroom it's not going to be enough. She's going to start acting as if your shadow were bothering her. Make a stand early. She is going to keep finding ways to say that you "bother" her. Remember those are just her thoughts. Not yours.

In the WAS frame of mind, it doesn't matter what the LBS does. It's never enough.

[Grocerykartman]

I think you're confusing "being her friend" with "being overly acquiescent." How many friends in your lifetime have you moved out of your own quarters for? Not to mention how she just decided that it was HER room.

But again, if it really doesn't matter to you, then don't let me talk you into thinking it does. But you can't have it both ways if it does matter to you...you can't ever whine or sulk about it. And if it does start to bother you more, it will be harder to take it back the further away you get from it. Hard to take a stand like that later with any effect.

[Metal]

She's left the house.
Moved out with some friends of ours.

I didn't even mention the bed.
I got to tell her one time that I was disappointed. And she acted surprised, "Why?", and I told her that I had hoped we could work though things living in the same home.
I helped carry her things to the car.
I Db'd my tail off. No begging or anything.
As she was packing, I brought my things back to my bedroom, and unpacked into my closet.
I wished her good luck on her journey.
She said that maybe we could date in the future, and if I "grew up", then maybe there'd be a chance for "us". Ouch.

This totally stinks.
Prob next time I post, it will be in the MLC, b/c that is what I think this really is.