She had a mental breakdown a month ago, and about daily she talks or mentions wanting to leave the marriage. She is still home with me and the kids. Daily though she talks about, or mentions wanting to leave, or planning to leave. We are still hanging out, we watch movies, we go out to eat, we have lunch together, we talk in the evenings. I'm doing my best to do some kind of weird blend of LRT, no begging, no pleading, giving space when she wants it, but being there as a friend for her. It is so weird to be in this strange place.
Tonight she is planning on going out with her "wilder" friends to party/club, says she wont be coming home that night, so i assume she's going to stay at a friends house. It is just freaking me out. I'm going to say "Wow, you look amazing. Have a great time tonight". And not drill her about where she's going or who she's going with, etc. I know that one of the biggest problems we had, before the breakdown, is my not accepting her (she says i always try to make her fit in my square box, when she is a circle). I guess things are a little better right now, she talks less about leaving. And yesterday she said "I'm not going to work on the Marriage, until we fix what broke our Marriage".. so that leaves me with some hope. I just feel so lost right now.. Trying to be the good-guy, friend, good-father, no pressure, etc...
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
Hi simpleton, What are the specific things she says were broke (her being a circle, doesn't tell you or me, exactly what's wrong).
It appears you are doing the right things, and her talking LESS about leaving is good, so keep doing what you're doing FOR NOW. There may be more you can do if you understand what was broke.
I know it's hard watching her go party. The tact you are taking works for many people over time, and it's important to catch your baby steps. Hang in there. It's worth it.
Have you read Michele's Divorce Remedy? If not, you need to get that ASAP.
Do you and your W have children?
Referring to her mental breakdown, was she hospitalized and is she on medication now? You must be very concerned about her going out to party so soon after a mental breakdown. Is she in therapy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have 3 children. S17, D11, S5. Yep, almost finished with DR book. Very helpful. She went to treatment for about 1 week, but it didn't seem very helpful, she got Wellbutrin, and her Exit-Plan was that she was going to leave me. Uhg! She is in counseling, and getting good advice there though (i'm doing some counseling for myself too).
Reading DR yesterday, it almost seems that she falls into the Mid-Life-Crisis chapter. From the things she says, and losing weight, going to gym, trying to redefine who she is. We're both 37.
The main complaint about "breaking", is from "Not Accepting her". And i can see her point, I have done some things in the past to try and change her. She is a powerful woman, and I have tried to tone-her-down in subtle ways. I know that was not good. Also having her in-laws live with us (in the basement-inlaw suite) was bad for her. I have since asked them to leave. And they'll be leaving in February.
I keep getting this message from her now. "Why couldn't you have made these changes b4 I was broken?"
FYI: She didn't go partying, but I know she may in the future.
We have these mixed interactions daily. Like she let me give her a back rub while we watched a movie, but then after, she fussed about how I should look for a new woman who will be more like what I want. I just listen, and apologize for the harm that I have caused her and the marriage, try to tell-her/show-her I have changed. And indeed I feel like a very different man from all of this.
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
Was her C aware of her "exit plan"? Running away from the M is her way of solving her problems. Of course, it won't and her C should tell her that.
Quote:
The main complaint about "breaking", is from "Not Accepting her". And i can see her point, I have done some things in the past to try and change her. She is a powerful woman, and I have tried to tone-her-down in subtle ways. I know that was not good.
Are you saying that she had a break-down due to you putting so much pressure on her to be somebody she wasn't? What ways do you mean she's powerful? Do you mean her personality or other ways?
If your family was living in the house, then that probably added to her stress a great deal. Were these your parents?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Her breakdown came from lots of pressures, housecleaning, wife, mother, dealing w/her parents, money, my expectations, etc.
Sometimes she will say that it is all my fault, but her Counselor says that her main stressor came from her parents, not me, even though she is blaming right now.
Powerful personality, where I am more the Peaceful personality. We've studied personalities a lot in the past, since we are so opposite.
They are her parents, and yes they were putting pressure on her about how to raise the kids, spend money, etc... She's pretty upset with me for not asking them to leave a long time ago, but we had a financial agreement with them, and I knew it would be a big disaster to ask them to leave, so I procrastinated, and she eventually broke.
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
About the In-Laws: When we moved into the house 4 years ago, they agreed to move in with us, into an in-law-suite/basement, and give us 20k to help buy the house. Her Father said that he wanted us to guarantee we'd always have a place to help with her Mother, to help care for her after He died. At the time it seemed like a good idea, and it helped us buy a nice house. Also, 3 years ago, they helped us buy a swimming pool. Another 20k. So her Father feels like we owe them 40k. During my meeting with them, I apologized, and explained the marriage crisis I was having, etc. But they didn't seem to care, they don't even believe that she had a breakdown, they just think she's being selfish right now. Basically they'll be moving out in Feb, and will not be talking with us.. probably for years (they have not-talked-to-us before, and it lasted 3 years one time). Both of her parents are powerful-personalities. W doesn't care, she just wants them out. They have been very negative toward her. So, right now, I'm glad that I've done it.
Well, all kidding aside, you have a serious problem! She has resentment in her heart toward you. Let me tell you why. As her H, she felt you did not protect her from her own parents by insisting they move out. I don't know what the agreement was....but it won't matter to her, as a woman, b/c she looked to you to protect her. When you saw how it was affecting her...that was the time to step in and tell her folks that some other arrangements needed to be made.
Never live with relatives--and never do business with relatives.....and your life will be much happier.
So, have you told her they are leaving in Feb?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I have told her they are leaving. And she is pretty happy about it. You are right, she is resentful that I didn't do this sooner. I am hearing a lot of "too little, too late" right now, which I think is a good sign. Currently, her "plan" is to move downstairs into the in-law-suite, so that she can have her "separation" from me.. and I consider this better than the previous plan, of "get out of the marriage ASAP, and go live anywhere but here".
I do find it so interesting though, that we keep seeing each other. And actually Friday night, I gave her a nice backrub, and we watch tv together with the kids. Sleeping in different rooms right now. But, I am very thankful for the mixed messages. Little glimmers of hope. I'm writing a Journal (excel spreadsheet), to help keep my thoughts together. And I have a little column for "Positives", so that I can watch for small improvements.
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
