"My wife does not respect me." What makes you think so?
"At times I think she does not love me." First define love for me!
"All my life I have been told that you should "do" things that will help build a "family"." Yes, and hopefully not to lie, steal, betray, ...
"I feel like I have done that." Already? Then build a community of families. When you're done with that build a nation. Then come back and post some more ...
"The measuring stick that I am held to says I did not." What stick is this? Have you tried the "rule of thumb" which says that the stick cannot be thicker than your thumb
"I have DB'd a marriage. And "won"." Define victory. Marriage is war that should end in the death of one or both spouses. Its not just one battle.
"I find myself lacking in what to do next." What needs to get done?
"Me.. personally.. I am a year with my foot out the door." A WAH in the making?
"I don't "love" her like I used to." And she does not love you either?
"Is it my drinking? Is it my porn abuse? Is it money (feeling secure)? Is it just that I am not who she thought I was?" Why not ask her?
"I want to hear thoughts on what I should do." First define the problem.
"Or will this be a waste of time for me?" I don't mean to be cynical but to me marriage and love cannot be based on attraction which is fleeting and immature; it has to be based first on commitment otherwise you should take the domestic partner approach for tax saving purposes or the no strings attached "friends with benefits" approach and change partners as often as you wish and you won't need to bust a big D each time. If you happen to have "children out of wedlock" give them up for adoption at birth.
You also say: "Is it my drinking? Is it my porn abuse? Is it money (feeling secure)? Is it just that I am not who she thought I was?"
If those things are involved, of course it would take a toll on her. Are you still doing those things? Then stop.
What is your wife doing and saying?
Forrest, you can do this and it IS worth it.
Do DIFFERENT work.
A lot of folks are able to find help with AA (and there is an online version), Moderation Management, and there is help for porn addiction. Sometimes a pastor or a DB Coach (They are all trained as sex coaches, I believe, and I'm certain Dottie and Jody are). If you prefer a male, Chuck is very good.
what does respect mean to you? what did she do in the past that "told" you that she respected you?
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At times I think she does not love me.
this is mind-reading. during a marriage crisis, the mind can be your worst enemy. i am going to discount this statement. for now.
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All my life I have been told that you should "do" things that will help build a "family".
what kind of things were you advised to "do"? what are your thoughts on this?
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I feel like I have done that.
The measuring stick that I am held to says I did not.
feeling vs. knowing. two different things. i feel like eating this bucket of fried chicken for lunch. i know it isn't good for me.
one uses the heart and the other uses the brain.
what measuring stick? where is this said measuring stick with special powers that you must adhere to? can i buy one at walmart? i am not joking.
women are attracted to men who can lead. do you think you're leading by following some measuring stick and allowing it to dictate your competency and let it guide you to where you are in life?
what do you want in life?
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I have DB'd a marriage. And "won".
I find myself lacking in what to do next.
i find that hard to believe. everyone is capable of figuring out their next step. we don't just stand still when a marriage is in crisis. i have witnessed this before.
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Me.. personally.. I am a year with my foot out the door.
I don't "love" her like I used to.
i'm not surprised. men need to be respected by their wives. since you said your wife doesn't respect you. this is common in many WAS.
love is a feeling. it can change. it takes work though.
one foot out the door? it is commonly said that a man does not leave unless there is someone else waiting. so .. is there someone else?
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Is it my drinking? Is it my porn abuse? Is it money (feeling secure)? Is it just that I am not who she thought I was?
again .. mind-reading. prime example of what the mind can do and why it is your enemy at times like these.
Well, I believe it's hard to know what to do next. It's very easy to know what someone else should do next. When it gets personal, it gets harder.
It is never a waste of time, because if it doesn't work, at least you tried and you gain more skills, you know yourself and your spouse better. You will win anyway, Forrest. I know you will.
1. "love is a feeling. it can change. it takes work though." Really? I thought love is is the cause and the feelings are the effect.
2. "i'm not surprised. men need to be respected by their wives. since you said your wife doesn't respect you. this is common in many WAS." So catch22!?
3. "I find myself lacking in what to do next." If 1 and 2 are true there is just no hope. So either 1. or 2. has to be false in order to proceed.
But FG, perhaps you were "drinking" when you posted.
She has said it. The words have come right out of her mouth.
"First define love for me!"
From my perspective or hers?
"Yes, and hopefully not to lie, steal, betray, ..."
Can't say I have done any of that.
Maybe when I was younger I lied. Not so much now.
"Already? Then build a community of families. When you're done with that build a nation. Then come back and post some more ..."
I have. It is here. You have been a part of it.
"What stick is this?"
Her stick. To me.. it seems ever changing. She tells me it does not change but life has thought me something different. To be honest I don't know why we have to measure each other at this point in our lives. Measuring things.. just seems petty to me. It seems so tit for tat.
"Have you tried the "rule of thumb" which says that the stick cannot be thicker than your thumb wink"
My wife has big hands.. so what does that mean?
"Define victory."
I have been a LBS and overcome that situation. More than once.
"Marriage is war that should end in the death of one or both spouses. Its not just one battle."
I totally disagree.
"What needs to get done?"
You tell me. I posted. I answered your questions. What needs to get done?
"A WAH in the making?"
Yes.. was I not clear with my first statement? If I am a WAH it is clearly just another label for me. Why should I care?
"And she does not love you either?"
Again.. who's perspective?
"Why not ask her?"
Well.. if you had followed along you would know that these were things that I have.. Overcome. Is something in that statement still in play now.. yes.
"First define the problem."
I feel like I am. Which part don't you understand?
"I don't mean to be cynical but to me marriage and love cannot be based on attraction which is fleeting and immature; it has to be based first on commitment otherwise you should take the domestic partner approach for tax saving purposes or the no strings attached "friends with benefits" approach and change partners as often as you wish and you won't need to bust a big D each time. If you happen to have "children out of wedlock" give them up for adoption at birth."
FB2.. I don't understand. Your comment had nothing to do with me. Or my stitch. Would you care to explain more?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"I am missing the context. (duh) Is this you speaking or one of your ways to make a point?"
Mrs. Maria.. it is me. I am not trying to make a point. It just happened to come at an awkward time.
I have always said I was a newcomer. And in that setting I could help. I have always said that the being back together is the hard part. Typically I don't get involved in people that are back together. It is not where I work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
