WAW tearing up our family

[ironMan]

Hello, new here. I've been reading the boards for a while but this is my first post. I'm really sorry to be here .... but glad that this place exists so that all of us aren't alone.

Sitch: We started dating the first week of college. She was gorgeous and I had to become her friend as she was interested in my roommate. Then one night, we went to a party together and thus started our journey together.

At the end/after college I developed a habit of chatting online and it became very bad for me. I tried to quit repeatedly without sustained success. A year into our marriage this led to me actually meeting somebody. I panicked and didn't have sex with them, but was broken inside. I couldn't believe what I had become and couldn't bear to think I had sunk this low. I began seeing a counciler and a support group to help me break this habit. It worked. I had to tell her what happened so that she could leave if she wanted. I couldn't live with the burdon of this secret. She was devastated but stayed with me. A few years later we were more in love and more passionate than ever. Although the balance of power had changed. I was always the strong and confident one .... and I had become very dependent and clingy to her. I always took care to let her know what I was up to, not work late too much etc. and she always struggled to trust me. But, things were good I thought all in all.

Until, I discovered her EA with a co-worker in 2007, we almost split then but we both seemed to be getting along better and better .... then she got pregnant.

I told myself that I had to just put all that behind me as we had somebody else to put first now. We were SOOO close during the pregnancy and we were both so excited to welcome our baby into the world. We worked hard together to prepare for and then have the baby. Whenever she looked at me, I could see she was full of love for me and our new family.

She was distant but things were still going pretty well since the baby was about 6 mos old, but I figured it was related to all the hormonal changes etc.

Sex really began to dissipate this fall, before learning on our anniversary that she "loved me but was not in love with me". I told her she needed to go to counciling, and she said that nobody else would be able to make her love me. She relented and went.

I called anxiously after her first session, which annoyed her (I did spend much of our relationship trying to fix her and telling her what was wrong and what she should do about it .... which was of course a big mistake). She said the therapist had told her to get a separation (really, she said that's what she wanted and the therapist helped her work towards telling me this). I went ballistic ..... why would she want her daughter to be away from one of us all the time ... and why did she want to be away .... was this guy back? Was there another one ..... WTF is going on .... who is this selfish person?

She agreed to go to marriage counciling and we did develop much better lines of communication between us. I picked up DB and started applying some 180s. However, her desire to get out didn't go away. She told me on 12/23 that she didn't see us working out. She had been working on some co-dependency issues with her therapist and decided she couldn't find out who she was while she was with me. WAW, MLC ... I don't know. But I did feel like I was dealing with more like a 15 yr old than a 31 yr old.

Christmas with my family was horrible. I couldn't believe the woman I loved and intended to live my life with was doing this. She was putting distance between us and was no longer affectionate in any way.

I decided on 12/27 to begin LRT. She was distraught that I was being so nice and said that I was a much better person than she was and didn't understand how I was taking this so well.

I had a phone coaching session with Laurie on 1/4 because I knew that there was a serious talk coming. My W warned me that there was one coming and that I wouldn't be happy.

I did well even in our therapy session on 1/5 where she told me that she wanted to separate. I DBed very well .... told her I didn't like what was happening but understood how she was miserable and needed to separate.

She tried to discuss details and logistics and I said I wasn't ready yet and the therapist said that I deserved a week or two to digest this.

So, here we are. No firm plans to S yet, but she has suggested that we get an apt and then take turns being home with the daughter (1.5 yrs old) and the 2 dogs.

I do think that would be best for D, but .... not sure it will let her experience being separate. We have always kept finances separate, but I make about twice as much (she makes good money too though). My gut tells me to insist that I'm staying in the house where my home office is etc. so that I can continue to prep the house for selling it in the spring (we intended to do this anyway). And, she could experience life without my income to assist her. I need help here. If the W intends to divorce anyway, the D will be changing homes anyway so is delaying this by 6 months worth the buffer it will give my WAW?


Thank you very much for the support I've already received by just reading everybody's posts.

[sandi2]

so is delaying this by 6 months worth the buffer it will give my WAW?

That depends on how valuable you consider the M.

[Denver_2010]

So, here we are. No firm plans to S yet, but she has suggested that we get an apt and then take turns being home with the daughter (1.5 yrs old) and the 2 dogs.

I do think that would be best for D, but .... not sure it will let her experience being separate. We have always kept finances separate, but I make about twice as much (she makes good money too though). My gut tells me to insist that I'm staying in the house where my home office is etc. so that I can continue to prep the house for selling it in the spring (we intended to do this anyway). And, she could experience life without my income to assist her. I need help here. If the W intends to divorce anyway, the D will be changing homes anyway so is delaying this by 6 months worth the buffer it will give my WAW?

Step - I'm very sorry that you are here. No one wants to be, but it is a very good place to get support and advice. The tough thing with any advice though is that no one is walking in your shoes except for you. Good advice for one person may result in a train wreck for another. So choose the advice that you follow based on your particular sitch, what you know about you, your M, and your W.

IMO, my instinct is to agree with your gut on the living arrangements if/when you and W separate. It is a tough call, bc drawing a line in the sand on not sharing home for sake of D may push your W away from you initially. But I also think that you need to stand for what you think is right. You can only control your actions here. You need to learn that very quickly. Your W is making this choice and I agree with you, she needs to experience what life will be like without you. That means experience what it will be like if D happens. I assume that you would not agree to house sharing sitch if actual D occurs? I would cut her loose and let her experience what she is asking for right now... life without you. Work on you, being a great dad, having a good life, and learning how to be happy without your W.

I would read Divorce Remedy ASAP and specifically the chapter on Last Resort Technique. Others may think that this is premature, but MWD clearly states in DR that LRT needs to be applied if S has physically separated from you.

All this being said, please keep in mind what I said at the beginning of this post. Choose the advice that you follow carefully. And there are some vets on here that give great advice... Sandi being one.

Good luck man.

Denver

[ironMan]

Thanks Sandi and Denver. I think I'll schedule another phone session and then post here again.

I didn't want to be here .. but I am ..... and it isn't going to destroy me :-)

[ironMan]

Thank for the support Sandi and all the advice, Denver. I Really, really appreciate it right now.

I'm going to schedule another coaching session to see what they think the way to handle the S is.

[ironMan]

Well, I have taken some time to reflect .... and talked to DB coach Laurie.

Even though I would be most comfortable if she left the house ... I believe that us "nesting" and spending our time with the baby at the house ... and the other time at an apartment will be the smallest step towards divorce and will make it easier for her to spend more time around me if she so chooses. So, I told her I was ready to talk about the separation when she was. She asked to have the conversation tonight after the baby goes to bed.

Its very sad to be here ..... but it is ok. I'm not looking forward to the discussion. I plan to be a good active listener, then firmly and gently tell her what I need in the situation, but make sure that she will shoulder the work here. I'm not finding the apartment or working out the details.

[dbmod]

Is this what Laurie suggested?

[Denver_2010]

Hi Step. I think that I posted on FOBD's thread that I wasn't familiar with your thread. Sorry bout that. I read so many that I just forgot that I had read your's a few days ago. Anyway, like FOBD said we have to be BITS here!

My suggestion on this separation deal is to avoid if at all possible. At least physical separation. I think that there are probably some sitch's where it is unavoidable, necessary, or, maybe even in some cases, beneficial. But from what I'm reading, it sounds like it is a bit premature in your sitch. JMO. the bottom line is that if you can stay in the same home and DB without p*ssing W off or driving her to file for D, I think that you will have more of a chance to turn things around. I'm fairly new here to the board, but I am physically separated from W myself and it has been a tough road so far. Just my two cents.

[ironMan]

There was no avoiding that discussion, Denver. I said, I agreed that nesting was the best plan but we would need to get an apartment as well. She then resisted and said she would just leave then. She said she didn't want me spying on her and she didn't intend to stay home the nights she wasn't at home with baby. She seemed shocked and angry that I agreed with her plan mostly ... before agreeing again that the nesting plan would be best for the baby.

Now, its up to her to go find an apartment etc. Delaying this convo was just making her mad so I had to let her know I was ready to have it.

Yes, that was Laurie's advice. Wife is insisting on separation .... and this was the least separate we could get. The smaller the step the better. She will have to have regular contact with me and we will be splitting time 50/50 with the sweet little baby.

W really is a selfish person right now. But I know she's hurting. I fear she probably won't figure out that this is a bad plan before there's no going back. But, I'm not giving up. Continue to be a friend and DB my ass off. I can't control what she does. I intend to keep GAL, hang with friend, and do what I want with my new found free time.

BITS!

[Bworl]

I don't see how actively participating in steps that move the two of you apart is consistent with how you feel, or in the best interests of saving the marriage.

You're married about 8 years, which puts you just around the traditional 7 year itch period. Put that together with the wanderings on the part of both of you during the married years, this rocky period is not uncommon.

The question is, what do YOU want?

If you want to save the marriage, if you love this woman, if you are comitted to her for life, then bending to support what she currently "wants" is not who you really are or how you feel.

Not agreeing to a trial separation, not agreeing to renting an apartment together so that the two of you can trial run separation is NOT something that has to be a fight, nor is a sign that you're being confrontational.

Your wife can choose to leave. You can do nothing about that decision. She can choose to officially separate and live life on her own. You can do nothing about that.

But acting as though you are in agreement, well, to me it says just that. "I agree with you." I don't think you feel hat way, so it is disingenuous at best to act as though you do.

You are agreeing to put off conflict, to appeal to her, and in hopes that she will see you being nice and change her mind.

Trust me, I'm pretty sure it won't work that way.

You have to decide what you want and what you are willing to tolerate. Then you have to be a man of integrity and compassion, and yet stick to those decisions.

You can do everything regarding this matter IN LOVE, and not turn this into a dog fight, yet at the same time send the clear and consistent message to your wife that you love her, you love your family, and you believe tearing it apart is wrong and unhealthy.


Think.

To often in this state we act out of fear and later regret that we did not stand firm to our convictions.


Blessings,

Bill