Ready to give up

[blue2010]

My last post and thread was focused on my dilema about confronting my WW about her A with the email evidence. The OM was my best friend and is my BIL. This has created extra challenges in confronting the A. My Sister the OMW and I coordinated confronting both of them at the same time on Dec 30. This is primarily according to them a friendship EA/ brief PA bit back in June-ish 2010.
My W was a teen mom. We have a total 5 kids. I thought she was happy. They started complaing about the M's to each other Barriers broke down.
Since confronting we see no evidence of contact. My W seems to be in withdrawal and very unhappy. She says she is done with this M. She filed for Divorce on Dec. 16. I have yet to be served. She says she is desperate to leave but is taking the time to buy a house. She has been working extra to do so.
I feel like she is a combination of the WAW, MLC and affair wife. I am still willing to try to save this she says she is done. Is this even recoverable if she is so set on leaving and filed and keeps saying she is done? She signed for a mortgage application today. I have read and rereading DR,DB, now Mars andd Venus. Really starting to think I should just give it up.

[MrBond]

Since exposing, what have YOU been doing. You've centered alot on your W but what about your actions?

[blue2010]

My understanding is we confronted the affair partners. (We did not expose to family and friends.) I confronted her. Told her what I had for evidence and what I knew, she did not deny it. The confrontation conversation lasted about a half hour. Just so you have most of the story, OM packed his stuff said he was never coming back.
Next night New Years Eve. During that morning OM confessed to his Mom, Then he went to Lawyer and filed harassment order paperwork against my whole family. Dropped it Monday is suppossed to put back in Place against my W she has been the one to restart contact. He got really drunk New Years eve threatened suicide, apparently said some vicious things to my W which he was so Drunk he doesn't remember. That was their last contact we know of.

Since then: we have had about 4 R conversations started by her. I active listened, I validated when appropriate. If she got way off base I stood my ground. She stayed at her sisters for 2 nights after confrontation she had already planned to be there she called to talk to kids I was pleasant. Saturday she was going to sleep in her van she ended up coming home (3rd shift work) She would not look at me went to bed. I have been nice. I have allowed her to vent, lots of complaining about the M. I continue to try to improve myself around the house. And have stopped waiting on her to do things like take all the kids out. I now call a relative if I need two adults. I am also attending a divorce cares class which she knows about since she filed i do not want to be unprepared.

We had an MC appointment yesterday which was more like divorce counciling. I basically had to force MC to even discuss that it is possible to recover because my W's focus was on seperation and divorce. My w actually answered the question directly : Are you done with this M? Yes....then she started crying.I wanted to discuss the other side of the coin.
I am not pursuing her. I saw my IC yesterday and he ordered no R conversations and blame him if I have to. No seperation conversations about budget without third party.
He also thinks we should consider a 6-12 month seperation.
So I have simply been trying to treat her as a friend not do the things she has complained about me doing . i have offered being there for her to talk to she complained she had noone to talk to and at some point we stopped being friend and she became just my wife.. I am the primary caregiver and only work part time due to an early retirement I have a full income.Sorry so long but maybe that gives a more thorough perspective.

[MrBond]

No this is great. You're doing everything you can. The next time she starts up another R talk, try stopping her before she gets into again. Tell her that you understand that she's hurting but she's rehashing everything and it's your choice to be happy. Then leave. Let her figure that out herself.

Don't worry my W was the same way. We sat in MC for not more than 2 minutes before she said she wanted a D and nothing was going to change her mind. The C looked at me and said the M was dead since she didn't want to work on it. Now today, my W just called me to see how my day was going. I saw the C about a month ago and he was genuinely surprised that we were still M'd since my W was set on it.

Your W is probably still hurting from the withdrawal of the A most of all. So she needs to "feel" something. Even if it's hatred towards you. She's pointing the emotional rifle looking for something to shoot and lo and behold, you are the closest one there. So start by moving out of her crosshairs. Call her out on her BS when necessary and don't be too accessible to her.

[blue2010]

Not being accessible i have been arguing with myself about. What she wants: a friend to be able to just talk about nothing anything without fighting. So if I make myself inaccesible and that is what she was getting from OM will this not be counter productive?

[MrBond]

She'll come and talk to you when she feels like it. If you're constantly in front of her, she will feel like a trapped animal. It's how it works.

[blue2010]

I am not getting in her face. Just not being rude. Treating her at least as nice as a friend staying at the house.

[blue2010]

I am also starting to feel like it's not wort trying. Like it wouldn't be so bad even for the kids, they get enough love. Take my time before a new R. This mostly because I have 3 months of my W saying she is leaving. In my heart I still love her but I am doubting if it is worth the effort.

[MrBond]

Only you are going to be able to tell when it's time to quit. My W and I have been going through this for almost 3 years. For a year and a half she kept saying she was done and wanted a D. Yet she still didn't file. It's up to you.

[blue2010]

Thank you for the feedback, woke up extra frustratrd this morning. I am not 100% ready to give up so I guess the best plan would be to work on me and 180's and keep reading. Maybe she will decide she wants to save it????
Need the guidance though.