I posted this on the new comers site, I didn't see this site.
As you can tell from the title, I am a WAW kind of, I guess I should say I am a WAW that hasn’t left yet…
Here is some background information: (Please excuse me, I don’t know all the abbreviations yet) Age: 44, H: 49, Married: 18 ½ years, S: 18, D: 13, Step D: 25
We meet at work when I was 25, moved in together a few months later. Got pregnant after about a year and got married. Just before my son was born, we moved to a little house in the country.. Shortly after my son was born, I went back to work. I wanted to stay home but my husband had issues with money, mainly he didn’t want to share his and picked apart any spending I did with mine. (Example: I picked up a magazine in the store and he said sure just waste our money, I put the magazine back.). He made about 3Xs what I made at the time, and it was a big issue for him, it caused a lot of stress. I thought if I worked hard and helped bring home the bacon he would relax.. Long story short, after a couple of years I was making as much as him, but it didn’t help. All big decisions were made by him alone, if it was his ideal we could do it, if it was mine forget it, I was just trying to spend money. As I mentioned we worked for the same company and occasionally I would go to see him and he would act like a jerk like what was I doing there, he wouldn’t say ILY, because it made him look bad in front of his friends even on the phone. I called him once a couple of days before our first Valentine’s Day, and asked what he thought he might like. He yelled at me and said the day was overrated and he wasn’t getting me anything because it was a waste of money, sending flowers was not going to happen. I said okay and hung up the phone, but I felt 2 feet tall and never ever brought that day up again. We went to lunch a couple of times after the baby and he spent the time reading the news paper, he said I always wanted to talk, but didn’t know how to have a conversation, so he just read instead. We’ve only been to lunch 2 or 3 times sense then and that was 18 years ago. He would come home and not want to talk because he needed to unwind first, and when I would try to talk he would again say I didn’t know how to have a conversation. He would spend long periods of time on the phone with his ex-wife telling her all kinds of stuff he never told me. About 4 years into our marriage I left and stayed with my mom for 8 months. I came back because I wanted my son to have 2 parents and he promised he would change. That worked for a little while and then our daughter came along. He moved out of the bedroom almost immediately after we brought her home, said he couldn’t turn his brain off to sleep and did better on the couch. At first I really missed him, but it’s been 13 years now so I am use to it. He would come in for sex and then go right to the couch when we were done, no cuddling or pillow talk. He yelled all the time, and blamed it on being stressed. I could do nothing right in his eyes. If I cooked dinner, he would say stuff like you shouldn’t use the oven when it’s that hot outside or you made to starches. Everything I did was wrong; he never wanted to go out at all. He wouldn’t go to the movies with me. The most I could get out of him was sometimes dinner, if he asked where I wanted to eat I would reply and he would say that I just wanted to spend money. I stopped saying and I always let him pick, I am scared to make the wrong choice. I like candles, but if I light them he blows them out saying I am going to burn the house down. I would here stuff like if it wasn’t for me you would be just like the rest of your family, etc.. I would tell him this kind of stuff hurt and then he would say I was too sensitive that he was just kidding. We use to make list for Christmas, but the first year I put a coach purse on my list and he scratched it off saying it was a waste of money. I stopped put anything other than stuff for the house on my list. My wedding ring cost $99.00 when we bought it and I lost the diamond in it about 5 years later, when I asked to replace it he said he didn’t believe in wasting money on stuff like that, so no ring. I through myself into work and the kids and just kind of lived in the same house with him and did whatever he wanted with a few exception. When I wanted to go out I went with friends, when I wanted to buy something I bought it and just didn’t tell him about it. I tried talking to him but he would never listen we would end up yelling and I would just give up. In 2007 our company started having major problems, so we thought we should do something else. A friend had just bought a bar and was doing very well. The plan was for me to run it and for him to keep working until we were making enough for him to quit. We bought a restaurant in 2008 just before all hell broke loose with the economy. The night we took over he thought he was having a heart attack, it ended up being anxiety. They put him on drugs and he said that he couldn’t talk about the restaurant or go there without having an attack. So I was left on my own. It was very hard; I worked from 7 AM to 12 AM 7 days a week. I had no idea what I was doing, but learned every day. I was able to keep it together and I kept thinking he has to be proud of me now, I am doing this all by myself and the economy [censored]. If he wasn’t at work he was in bed. The house was awful, I am not kidding it was really bad. A year went by and he finally decided to start helping at the restaurant, he worked right next door to the place where I got my supplies, so he started picking them up for me and he would come up on Saturday and Sunday for a few hours to help. I really appreciated this, except that he yelled every time he came in, at me and at the help, I could do nothing right in his eyes. I even over heard him telling a customer that he didn’t know why I did certain things, because he had told me not to. It got so bad that I started having anxiety attacks when I knew he was going to show up. Not long after that I sold the restaurant, we were not making enough money and I knew I could not work with him. I found a job right away and he got laid off. For the first 6 months he really didn’t even try to look, just stayed in bed all day. I thought maybe he was depressed but he said no he was having the time of his life. I worked all day, made dinner and did all the chores. One night I came home and he was out shopping, when I saw his car driving down the driveway I had a really bad anxiety attack, because I knew he was going to come in yelling and he did. I just stood there looking at him thinking is this it, is this all there is.. I went downhill from there. I love my husband or I did, I don’t want him to touch me now and most of the time I don’t want to talk to him. We are going to MC, but it doesn’t really seem to be working for me. He has stopped yelling, but he is still taking shots, and still saying he is just kidding, but I know deep down that he isn’t kidding. The MC told us to go through the motions for a couple of months and if that doesn’t work then we need to split up. Going through the motions means greeting each other with a hug and kiss and I guess having sex. My husband is really good at this but I hate it, it feels fake.. I don’t know what to do, he didn’t want counseling at first because I am the one with the problem not him. I am really scared that if I give in he will just go back to the way he was before. I really don’t want to be a WAW, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. If we talk about it at all he cries, if I don’t greet him with a hug and kiss, he says it’s over. I feel so bad, like I am being horrible. I’ve lost close to 25 pounds, my friends and co-workers think I am sick and they are all worried about me. I was in the grocery store Sunday and over heard this woman I know telling her husband I must be doing drugs or something. I know this site if for the LBS, but I need help, I am so lost…
I am sorry about your situation. I do not want to give advice because I am not qualified, but I would like to offer something that came to mind while reading your post.
I have been a pretty verbally abusive husband, sounds like your husband is also. I did not have the money issues like your husband has.
I am a changed man and I want you to know what did it. It is the same thing that changes a lot of us. The BOMB. When the WAW tells us it is over. This is an action, and men understand action, not words. We need to be hit with a sledgehammer.
The problem with me and a lot of us is, by the time the WAW does this, it is to late for her, she has already given up. Like my wife.
My point being. You say you are not a WAW yet, and I agree. You are not giving up yet. So what would happen if you did everything that a WAW would do before you actually become one? Do you see what I am getting at?
Before taking MC advice and giving up, why not try something drastic. Drop the bomb on him. Tell him it's over. See if he reacts the same way the rest of us are. Truly changing.
This would be hard. It would have to be a long drawn out process just like a WAW would be. If he works at it, make him work harder, if he changes, make sure they are for real.
This may be a horrible idea, I don't know. I do know if you are going to get a guys attention, you have to hit him hard.
I hope a veteran will comment on my thoughts. I just know what got my attention, and if you look at all the guys that want there WAW back, and are willing to do anything, and to actually change themselves for the better, why not look at what made them do it.
Please do not apply this without further research, and if it does become something to try, it needs a more drawn out plan.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
