Husband continue to come see son. We continue to have light conversation. He has so much to talk to me, when is he going to realize that if we are divorced, who is going to listen to his BS? we were talking about his childhood experience of seeing a ghost, his work etc. He doesn't really know what to do with son. The visit feels more like him visiting me than visiting son. I think the true problem of our relationship is starting to surface and this time I think I can pin point what it is and get help on that.
I just had a breakthrough in my perception. A lot of my previous and current anger to my husband has to do with him not playing a very good father role.
Today, me and my son were supposed to be going on a plane to visit my folks and to spend Chinese new year with them. But son got sick a few days ago, and this morning he's still in no shape to travel. So I changed the flight to tomorrow. However I have already let our maid go for her holidays, so I am stuck at home alone with a sick child. In the past few days, husband continuiously expressed his worry about our son's condition. (fever, got the flu), and everyday he'd ask me to call him if he even so much as waking up at night crying or whatever. I said to him, if you are going to worry so much, why don't you sleep in the house? The guest room is right next door to son's room. You can hear him and everything. It's a bit unrealistic for me to call him in the middle of the night every time the kid cries. He refused every time.
Since I have to travel alone with a two year old tomorrow with a stroller plus a huge luggage, I really need my sleep tonight. He offered to come spend the night with son.
All day, when I was alone with son, I was thinking, what kind of a father would still put his own feelings ahead of his child's welfare. The kid is sick and he still insist on going back to his hotel room and work. He always schedule his projects through the week disregarding weekends. So today he was working all day. I was quite unhappy about this. Thinking he's not going to see his son for another ten days or so, and the kid is sick and I am without help, he couldn't even come home and help taking care of him. (please forgive me sincere are very spoiled here as domestic help is so cheap and available. You do get very used to it and would go into a complete frantic stage if all of a sudden no help)
Then I had a revelation. I am going to expect nothing from him from now on. Think that I am actually a single mother. This man has no blood relations to
From now on, I am going to think that he is just a nice man that comes to see my son so my son can have someone to call dad. I am a single mother with a child and he's not related to my son at all. Then whatever he does or does not do, will never piss me off. Because everything he does is out of pure kindness and care. And I will thank him for it. That's why I actually wrote a note (cant say it, it'll be too fake). That saids I really appreciate him doing this and it really helped me a lot.
I understand, and you did the right thing by leaving the note, 'catching' him doing something right.
I doubt that your H's refusal has to do with lack of care. Men often have different ideas about roles and responsibilities, and even their own capabilities about doing these things. Culture plays a big role in it. It is more modern and more western, as I understand it, for women to expect men to do these things. You H may have an 'expert mind' about this....not very open. It's starting to change and stretch. Give him time, and do what you're doing--catching him doing something right.
