I am a WAW, and I think I need help.

[allie12]

As you can tell from the title, I am a WAW kind of, I guess I should say I am a WAW that hasn’t left yet…

Here is some background information: (Please excuse me, I don’t know all the abbreviations yet)
Age: 44, H: 49, Married: 18 ½ years, S: 18, D: 13, Step D: 25

We meet at work when I was 25, moved in together a few months later. Got pregnant after about a year and got married. Just before my son was born, we moved to a little house in the country.. Shortly after my son was born, I went back to work. I wanted to stay home but my husband had issues with money, mainly he didn’t want to share his and picked apart any spending I did with mine. (Example: I picked up a magazine in the store and he said sure just waste our money, I put the magazine back.). He made about 3Xs what I made at the time, and it was a big issue for him, it caused a lot of stress. I thought if I worked hard and helped bring home the bacon he would relax.. Long story short, after a couple of years I was making as much as him, but it didn’t help. All big decisions were made by him alone, if it was his ideal we could do it, if it was mine forget it, I was just trying to spend money. As I mentioned we worked for the same company and occasionally I would go to see him and he would act like a jerk like what was I doing there, he wouldn’t say ILY, because it made him look bad in front of his friends even on the phone. I called him once a couple of days before our first Valentine’s Day, and asked what he thought he might like. He yelled at me and said the day was overrated and he wasn’t getting me anything because it was a waste of money, sending flowers was not going to happen. I said okay and hung up the phone, but I felt 2 feet tall and never ever brought that day up again. We went to lunch a couple of times after the baby and he spent the time reading the news paper, he said I always wanted to talk, but didn’t know how to have a conversation, so he just read instead. We’ve only been to lunch 2 or 3 times sense then and that was 18 years ago. He would come home and not want to talk because he needed to unwind first, and when I would try to talk he would again say I didn’t know how to have a conversation. He would spend long periods of time on the phone with his ex-wife telling her all kinds of stuff he never told me. About 4 years into our marriage I left and stayed with my mom for 8 months. I came back because I wanted my son to have 2 parents and he promised he would change. That worked for a little while and then our daughter came along. He moved out of the bedroom almost immediately after we brought her home, said he couldn’t turn his brain off to sleep and did better on the couch. At first I really missed him, but it’s been 13 years now so I am use to it. He would come in for sex and then go right to the couch when we were done, no cuddling or pillow talk. He yelled all the time, and blamed it on being stressed. I could do nothing right in his eyes. If I cooked dinner, he would say stuff like you shouldn’t use the oven when it’s that hot outside or you made to starches. Everything I did was wrong; he never wanted to go out at all. He wouldn’t go to the movies with me. The most I could get out of him was sometimes dinner, if he asked where I wanted to eat I would reply and he would say that I just wanted to spend money. I stopped saying and I always let him pick, I am scared to make the wrong choice. I like candles, but if I light them he blows them out saying I am going to burn the house down. I would here stuff like if it wasn’t for me you would be just like the rest of your family, etc.. I would tell him this kind of stuff hurt and then he would say I was too sensitive that he was just kidding. We use to make list for Christmas, but the first year I put a coach purse on my list and he scratched it off saying it was a waste of money. I stopped put anything other than stuff for the house on my list. My wedding ring cost $99.00 when we bought it and I lost the diamond in it about 5 years later, when I asked to replace it he said he didn’t believe in wasting money on stuff like that, so no ring.
I through myself into work and the kids and just kind of lived in the same house with him and did whatever he wanted with a few exception. When I wanted to go out I went with friends, when I wanted to buy something I bought it and just didn’t tell him about it. I tried talking to him but he would never listen we would end up yelling and I would just give up. In 2007 our company started having major problems, so we thought we should do something else. A friend had just bought a bar and was doing very well. The plan was for me to run it and for him to keep working until we were making enough for him to quit. We bought a restaurant in 2008 just before all hell broke loose with the economy. The night we took over he thought he was having a heart attack, it ended up being anxiety. They put him on drugs and he said that he couldn’t talk about the restaurant or go there without having an attack. So I was left on my own. It was very hard; I worked from 7 AM to 12 AM 7 days a week. I had no idea what I was doing, but learned every day. I was able to keep it together and I kept thinking he has to be proud of me now, I am doing this all by myself and the economy [censored]. If he wasn’t at work he was in bed. The house was awful, I am not kidding it was really bad. A year went by and he finally decided to start helping at the restaurant, he worked right next door to the place where I got my supplies, so he started picking them up for me and he would come up on Saturday and Sunday for a few hours to help. I really appreciated this, except that he yelled every time he came in, at me and at the help, I could do nothing right in his eyes. I even over heard him telling a customer that he didn’t know why I did certain things, because he had told me not to. It got so bad that I started having anxiety attacks when I knew he was going to show up. Not long after that I sold the restaurant, we were not making enough money and I knew I could not work with him. I found a job right away and he got laid off. For the first 6 months he really didn’t even try to look, just stayed in bed all day. I thought maybe he was depressed but he said no he was having the time of his life. I worked all day, made dinner and did all the chores. One night I came home and he was out shopping, when I saw his car driving down the driveway I had a really bad anxiety attack, because I knew he was going to come in yelling and he did. I just stood there looking at him thinking is this it, is this all there is.. I went downhill from there.
I love my husband or I did, I don’t want him to touch me now and most of the time I don’t want to talk to him. We are going to MC, but it doesn’t really seem to be working for me. He has stopped yelling, but he is still taking shots, and still saying he is just kidding, but I know deep down that he isn’t kidding. The MC told us to go through the motions for a couple of months and if that doesn’t work then we need to split up. Going through the motions means greeting each other with a hug and kiss and I guess having sex. My husband is really good at this but I hate it, it feels fake.. I don’t know what to do, he didn’t want counseling at first because I am the one with the problem not him. I am really scared that if I give in he will just go back to the way he was before. I really don’t want to be a WAW, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. If we talk about it at all he cries, if I don’t greet him with a hug and kiss, he says it’s over. I feel so bad, like I am being horrible. I’ve lost close to 25 pounds, my friends and co-workers think I am sick and they are all worried about me. I was in the grocery store Sunday and over heard this woman I know telling her husband I must be doing drugs or something. I know this site if for the LBS, but I need help, I am so lost…

[HRT]

Hi Allie,
I don't think the site is just for LBS. I think I seen something for the WAW. Anyway, it sounds like a form of emotional abuse to me. But, being rather new here and unable to figure my own issues/troubles out, what do I know?

Good luck with your situation anyway. I beleive everyone that finds their way here is dealing with pain in one form or another.

[PEI]

allie,

I don't even know what to say other than you are in the right place. Thank god you found the courage to post ...

(((hugs)))

Others will be along ... keep posting ... keep venting ...

Peace
PEI

[Lotus]

Allie,

Wow! You've been through a lot. I guess we all have, though. There is a group that can help you, if your husband will go away with you for a weekend. The group is called Retrouvaille. They have a website, www.helpourmarriage.org. They have turned around thousands of marriages. Read the website, especially the section on the 4 stages of marriage. Then look for a weekend near you. Then ask you husband to go with you. Many people resist going, but those who do go are glad that they did. It saved my marriage, and changed us both as people.

[zengypsy]

Lotus - I took a look at that website you mentioned. My STBX would never go; he would think it's too religion.Christian based. He's Mr. New Ager (Deepak, Eckhart Tolle) and says that we have to learn to live without each other.

It sounds so wonderful and something that possbly would help save our marriage. I would be willing to go without question but w/o his participation it would be futile!

I am still hoping for a happy ending that you had even if I have to go thru the D process unwillingly.

There are some really encouraging stories and words here.

[allie12]

I tried to tell my H that I thought that it was emotional abuse, and he thanks I am being to, I don't know something. He says he is stressed all the time because of his childhood, but he doesn't need help. I guess it's my fault that we are here, I should have put my foot down a long time ago, but I felt like I tried and he just blew me off. I also thought that deep down he loved me and I figured I could just deal with it. But I think I've gone off the deepend. He says know he is willing to work on it, but he thinks I am depressed and need to be on drugs. I think he thinks this will make everything better, because he really believes he hasn't done anything wrong. I will give him this, is hasn't yelled in a few months, however the a few weeks ago he was depressed because I wasn't greeting him at the door with a hug and kiss. I asked him what was wrong, was it me, work or what and he said I asked 3 questions in a row and he wasn't going to answer me, so he wouldn't talk to me for a couple of hours. I started trying harder and then about 2 weeks ago I was having a bad day and didn't talk much, I answered when spoken to but thats it. He got depressed again and didn't speak to me for 3 days. It makes me feel awful when he gets like that. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him or our kids, but I feel like I am dieing inside.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear Allie,
If your husband is not going to do Retrouvaille with you, I may have another suggestion, but for YOU, not for your spouse, although if you can get him on board that would be fantastic.
(((Allie)))

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[allie12]

I just don't know what to do.. I feel so lost, I don't want to break-up me family. But I don't know how to turn on the love.

[allie12]

Update - I am still at home, I am homing every night after work. I make dinner and clean-up and then read a little talk a little and go to bed.

He is not answering my calls and barley talks to me because he says I am not trying. By not trying he means that I am not stopping what I am doing when he gets home to hug and kiss him etc. I greet him with a nice hello, how was your day. I am always kind. I cannot bring myself to greet him with the hug and kiss and i am not sure why. I tell myself on the way home that is what I am going to do and then I just can't. Because of this he is punishing me by not answering my calls this morning. He pouts and stays in bed.

[zengypsy]

Hi Allie:

I am sorry for what you are going thru. It's such a painful time. You are certainly in the right place!

You can't blame yourself for it all. If you can accept responsibility for your role it whatever, be it big or small, you have taken a great stride already and your H is nothing more than stuck. It's so much easier to balme someone else then to really take a look at yourself and see what your contribution was.

Do you feel your depressed? It wouldn't hurt to go to your MD or C (if you have one) to get a firm diagnosis. And if you are diagnosed with depression, you don't necessarily need to treat it with drugs. Get yourself into some therapy for YOU.

Ambivalence is a tricky, tricky piece. I don't recall what Chapter it is, but I remember Michele in the DR book indicating she had a similar situation with her H asking him what's wrong and he [censored] down. I was the same way with my H. I would badger him to tell me what was bothering him, following hinm from room to room. NOT the thing to do. It's about giving him space and let him work through whatever he needs to and it may not have anything to do with you or the situation. If that happens again, just let him be and you get yourself busy. Clean the dishes, the house, read. If you leave him alone, you will be showing him a different action that may get a more positive response.