Well she's moving out, this week. About a month ago she had a mental-breakdown, and wanted to hurt herself, and went to a rehab/kind of place, and hasn't been the same since. Says she is through with the marriage. I'm half-way through the Divorce Remedy book. I'm doing good on the 180 technique. It is just really freaking me out. All this last week, we've been hanging out and talking, watching movies with the kids and all... but she wont stop saying that she's leaving. She told her friends that she is leaving on "good terms", so it'll be a friendly divorce. She knows I love her (although i'm not saying it anymore), and I desperately want to make this work with her. The moving thing is freaking me out. We have a plan, that if in a few months (maybe even 6) we might decide to get back together.. and all of us live in the apartments (lots of financial stress at home & live-in inlaws-hers). So I understand her leaving.
How am I supposed to go along with this, and help her move out, and be her friend (doing a great job so far), but the emotions are just crushing. So, I'm going to keep this new friend role, and move her stuff out, and act like everything is ok, on the chance that she will eventually change her mind? I think I'm losing my mind. I will do whatever it takes to save the marriage.
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
It's hard to do. Very hard. But you have shown in your post above that you are aware of how you are supposed to act if her mindset is that she is going through with this and there is no stopping her. That's a lot of the battle right there. The friend role is VERY important.
I helped my WAW move out to her first place and on to a second one that was nicer. You can do it under the premise of you want your kids to see their dad helping their mom, doing it so they'll have a nice place to be when they are over with her, doing it just because it's what you would do for even a decent male friend, not to mention the mother of your children and your best female friend (I would assume anyway). Hold your head up high that you are doing this. The only caveat is: you need to say ONCE, and only once to her that it saddens you greatly that you two are in this situation, but that you'll give her the space she is telling you she needs.
I did end up divorced, but my XW and I are on great terms and if I didn't know better, I think she would come back for another try pretty quickly, though it very much would be a take it slow process. I attribute a lot of this to maintaing a cooperative and friendly attitude with her, and that included helping her when she needed it. I didn't have to, I was mad a lot of times seeing the demise of my marriage and I was hurt a lot of times too. But I decided the right thing to do was to act like a friend and someone she could still depend on. I think you have to maintain that attitude, hard as it sounds and may end up being.
That doesn't mean you overdo it, I think you should only help her with stuff you truly want to help her with or stuff that you wouldn't think twice about doing for a male buddy of yours. Moving is certianly one of those things though, and I can almost guarantee you will feel you did the right thing if you do help her. Might on occasion feel like you helped open the door to her leaving, but it really isn't that. If there is no stopping her from moving out, then I highly encourage you to do this as you state above and act like everything is ok..you can always post her to let off steam about how it's not.
I wish you the best.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I think that Grocery is giving you really good advice. My W moved out at the very end of November. I wish that I had had that advice weeks prior to her move bc I acted very angry when she told me that she was moving out and left town when she did the actual move. I think that I could have helped my sitch tremendously if I had just been nice and understanding. I think the advice to say once that her moving saddens you is also very good advice. After that, stop pressuring and/or pursuing for a while. Don't just tell her that you understand and are giving her the space that she needs. Do it.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Personally I wouldn't help her move out. She needs to learn that if she leaves, she doesn't get the benefits that go along with being with you anymore.
Having said that, you need to work on letting her go with respect. ie. not getting angry and/or acting out.
Good idea on not telling her I love you. What are you doing for you lately?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Personally I wouldn't help her move out. She needs to learn that if she leaves, she doesn't get the benefits that go along with being with you anymore.
Having said that, you need to work on letting her go with respect. ie. not getting angry and/or acting out.
Good idea on not telling her I love you. What are you doing for you lately?
Agreed. That is a very good point. Don't help her move. But also don't act cold and angry about it. I did that and it set me back I think.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Last night I was supposed to "pick" the best choice for her to move out to. So, I did lots of thinking and writing.. and I made my choice. But I (like an idiot) peppered it with.. "My first choice is for you to stay home".. and then told her which apartment I liked best for her. Then (like a real idiot), I mentioned a few stressors that this would bring. Although I was positive about the apt, I listed several difficult topics (mostly financial).
Well, that tripped her. She switched moods entirely. "I'll stay home, since I have no choice, and go back to being the perfect wife." And saying how I manipulated her (which I admitted to). Then she cried for hours and would not be comforted. First time she's cried since she's been back home from the help-center.
This morning she wakes up, super fake-happy. Making breakfast, gave me a kiss and all. I start heading for work, and she drops this bomb.. If you really cared about me, you would have taken the day off work and got me that apartment. So, I switch gears, and start to do just that. But it's too late, since now she's told me. So, I take off work, but she wont talk to me anymore. but then we're fighting. I suggest that we go have breakfast, and talk this over. But she won't have it. She's mad, I'm mad. Uhg. How could I be so stupid? Anyway, so here I am back at work. Miserable. Back to the drawing board.
So, should I go rent her an apartment during lunch today?
I think I broke some 180 rule like "don't engage in discussions about the future?", and definitely "don't lose your cool, don't get emotional".
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
This is by FAR, the hardest, most heart-wrenching experience of my lifetime (I'm 37). Everyday is a challenge. And I am hurting beyond anything I would have ever thought possible. Coming from a broken home myself, I vowed to never let something like this happen to my family. Totally crushing to live with someone who wants to leave, and still act like things are ok, and be a friend to them. I feel sick. Married 14 years. 3Kids: S17, D11, S5. I barely know my name sometimes.
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
Don't lose your composure simpleton, things WILL be ok. You will get through this.
Let's break this down. First, I don't see any reason to call yourself an idiot for the content of your response. You have 3 kids, two very young. You have every right to have a lot of say in this. She can't just up and move anywhere without thinking of logistics, so if you pointed out reasons why place x and place y won't work, good! If YOU don't like the neighborhood or YOU can't do the drive or YOU can't get the kids to school or YOU flat out can't afford it YOU need to make that known and stick to it. Shows you're thinking and defending your right to your kids and your ability to help them get to school and whatever else may be the case. As long as you're thinking about the kids and logistics as the key priority with this, you are doing what you need to be doing.
It's important to think with your brain right now and not with your heart. Rememeber how I suggested to say what you said about you wish she'd stay only once? Well, you've done it. You can look at yourself everday now and know that you at least tried and she didn't go for it. It was likely going to be that way, so don't feel beat yourself up. It's over and done with. Time to move forward from that thought.
So then she says, "I'll stay home, since I have no choice, and go back to being the perfect wife." She claims you manipulated her? Maybe you did, but notice that she is doing the exact same thing to you with a guilt trip statement like that. She's mad because you actually pointed out reasons why she can't just do whatever she pleases. What does she think the real world will be like?
Not to be contradictory, I should point out that I still think you should help her move if that's what SHE (important) follows through with. Because the actual act of moving is a friendly act, something you'd do for your best male friend. But only the act of moving. Meaning, SHE ultimately picks the place based on however many you'll acquiese to, she does all the phone calling and utility set-ups, she pays for the moving expenses, she buys new stuff for herself, etc. You might have to help with extra stuff for your kids, but separate their needs from yours if SHE is doing this. But as of right now, she wants you to do a lot of the work, my guess is that this helps her feel like if things go wrong you had a big hand in it and it takes the pressure off of her in making this uncomfortable decision.
Move on to this morning. She's testing you with the "if you really cared about me..." statement. This is garbage and you shouldn't put up with it. You HAVE to go to work, particularly if you are going to be separated. If she wants to be away from you so bad, why does she want you to help her do this? I think as a guy, she wanted to test your resolve to your responsibilities. I will advise you to never waver on something like this again, meaning go to work! She is a fine one to talk about manipulation if she is putting these guilt factors on you. Has she been doing this during the course of your marriage? Do you give in just about every time? Don't feel bad if you have, many of us have been there and I sure was. You have to stick up for your responsibilities here, you can't just take off a Wednesday after all the holidays breaks because she is guilt tripping you.
I hope you didn't rent her the apartment, for the reasons I stated above. But if you did, don't get down on yourself, just realize that she's continuing to test you. You cannot be wishy-washy like you were this morning if this is ever going to work out with you two. You need to show a woman strong resolve.
You might have broke the rules, but tonight is a new night, tomorrow is a new day, etc. This is a tough time right now, like you stated. You feel like all the wheels are coming off and everything you do makes it worse somehow. Many of us have been there. My last two pieces of advice to you are simply, be as happy as you can be around your kids and get strength and joy from them. Regarding your wife, don't let her take you down HER road...she had you on it all day trying to deviate from your work schedule and wondering if you should surrender your lunch hour to help her do this. Stand up for your life, your work, and your lunch, and you'll gain your own self-respect.
I wish you well.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
First, let me just say that you and I are similar in at least some respects. I am 38, am also from a broken home, and NEVER wanted this for myself or family. It is absolutely gut wrenching! I have been miserable for 2 months now. But my situation has also progressed farther than your's has to this point. My W told me that she was moving out and 2 weeks later she did. She is just now beginning to deal with some financial hardship. She has complained to me about being broke 3 or 4 different times over the past 2 weeks. I think that it is good. Long term, I don't want my W to return to me bc of money, but I d*mn well would be fine if she decided to give our M another chance bc of the financial stress. I'd have my foot in the door so that I would have an opportunity to show everything that I have learned from this experience. That's all I need to make her fall back in love with me. I have no doubt about that. The problem is getting that opportunity.
So, I don't see what has happened with your situation as all that bad. You provided her with a reality check... my W needs it, so does your's. You should have avoided the argument, but that's the only thing that you may have messed up on. I think that Grocery is right about how to proceed. Let her make her choice now. If she decides to move out, let her do all of the work in getting that arranged. Don't be cold, rude, or mean about it, and definitely don't try to change her mind anymore. Just let her do it. You would be giving her the freedom to choose, space... and time, if she decides to move.
If she decides to stay bc of money, well then, you are a step ahead of me. Still give her space, but do your 180s and be the man that she fell in love with in the first place so that she no longer wants to move. Just don't pressure her or pursue her. Let her make her choices, own them, and deal with their consequences.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
