Hi everyone – first post here after reading for a few months. I’ll start with the basics
Me: 30 W: 27 M: 5 years in January T: 8 No Kids
This October I learned that my W had a PA with someone from our Gym about a year and a half ago. She came clean on it and told me about the PA and that she has feelings for another man (who does not have feelings for her) as well as that she does not love me like she should.
At the time she said she was willing to work on the marriage and I bought a bunch of books to “fix things”. It is in my nature to fix everything to the point of it being a flaw. During this time W kept saying that she needed space while I was pushing for commitment and trying harder. Of course this ultimately drove her away more. I became paranoid and believed that she was still trying to contact the OM and I resorted to snooping and was right. She had been trying to contact the OM but he had been unresponsive with her for some time. I called her out on it beginning of December and she admitted it and agreed to work some more on us. For the most of December I had been snooping in the phone records and it only made things worse.
About 2 weeks ago we talked and she let me know that she wanted a D. I broke down pleaded, cried and did everything I shouldn’t have. W said she has been so unhappy since this all happened and she feels so much guilt. She doesn’t love me like she used to or how she should and this has nothing to do with another man. She said “I’ll never be able to look at you the same now” and it is hard for her to cope with what she did. On my end she thinks I’m overanalyzing everything she says and am acting mopey and depressed. I’m trying to do a 180 but falter when the D conversation comes up.
We still live in the same house although she just moved to sleeping in the living room as of two days ago. Since she dropped the D bomb things have been pretty good between us, as I’ve been trying to give her space and have not been the one to bring up R. We still IM, txt and talk and had a great day in the city yesterday shopping. She said she is trying to see me as a best friend now although I mentioned if we D I would be out of her life completely.
The things I’m working on are:
Not being a pushover and saying how I actually feel – I’ve never discussed feelings until all of this and she always pressed me on this early in our R. I also go along with things just to avoid conflict. We’ve never really fought at all in our marriage, which is why it is all the more surprising for me.
Getting out more – funny at the beginning of our R she was insanely jealous and I never was. I used to party had a ton of female friends and I basically gave all of it up for her.
Genuinely be more peppy and fun to be around – I hate this mopey ish.
No more snooping.
I read DR and codependent no more but I am way out of my element here and really appreciate any and all feedback from everyone.
Hi Bab, welcome to DB. Seems like your short M hasn't been the best for your W. Was she all for getting M when you did?
You've got a good list started of things you're working on. Another thing is to cut back on the IM/txt/general communication with her. Go dim. Let her miss you.
There'll be more folks along that type a whole lot more than I do.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi Baboon - It really stinks that you find yourself here, but it is a very good place to get good advice. I forget which MWD book that you read, but I found Divorce Remedy to be the better one bc it is more detailed. I suggest that you pick it up if you haven't read it.
I'm too new to all of this to give much advice. All I can say is that I did everything wrong at the beginning in terms of begging, crying, pleading, etc. too. So don't feel badly. It is natural response I think. I will also say that my W has calmed down, it seems, since I backed waaaayyyy off and let her have what she was asking for, i.e., space. I don't know if anything positive will come of it, but it was/is all I can really do. All I'm doing now is GAL and focusing on my issues that I see contributed to the current state of my M. I do not initiate any contact with W at all.
I will also suggest the DB Coach. I signed up for 3 sessions but have only used 1 so far. It helped bc I at least feel like I have a plan and am not proceeding directionless.
good luck man!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
WCW thank you for the feedback. Yes she was actually pressing us to get married earlier. When I look back on how things progressed I feel dumb not seeing this coming.
So when I think about the beginning when we were in college we had a ton of time and spent it all together. She used to be obsessed with me. Used to be super paranoid about who I'd hang out with and all the other girls who were friends with me. When college ended and we hit the real world we just didn't have much time together. We didn't spend it together and now I know I grew distant.
A huge part of what is so important to her is talking and having somebody who listens to her. For the first 5 years of us being together I did this exceptionally well. In recent years I didn't give her my full attention when we would talk (I'd be on the computer typing, playing video games, etc.) and this drove her nuts. I didn't text her much before or sit down and talk with her when we were at home.
So part of my 180 is to be a very attentive listener without offering my opinions and to just talk more. It is a 180 that kind of goes against the grain with the contact thing but without any talk of R or feelings that part has been going well. A few days I went totally dark and only spoke when spoken to but that made her think I was mad at her so I went back to IM'ing and txting. I generally don't initiate though.
Me being mad at her is another issue in itself. I have grown serious the past few years and generally just look pissed off. The vast majority of the time I am not but just look that way. As a result she often thinks that I'm mad at her or disappointed. This is a very hard one for me - I obviously don't want to look upset but it is hard for me to change. I just look serious and somewhat mean in my facial expression. I've gotten this feedback from multiple people as well but don't know how to fix it.
The past week has actually been great for us. She's been baking me stuff like crazy in the kitchen and we've been spending some good time together. We've gotten coffee, gone to the movies twice in one week and have been playful and cheerful together. She's even had some physical contact with me here and there (nothing sexual) just touching the arm and hand etc. I'm trying my best to keep it light and funny as this week she mentioned that my humor was one of things that attracted her to me.
I added this lot of stuff because my original post is over a week old but never came through.
Denver - Thanks for the support! Lord knows it is a natural response to beg, plead, cry, show pictures and try to rekindle past happy memories. Our own human nature and how similarly we react is a surprise in itself. Much like the WAW - as I read all the different stories on the board it is amazing how many parallels there are between our situations and the ways we all react.
I read DR thought it was great and will reread it again after I read the 5 love languages. I will likely get the coaching sessions too because I know I could use their feedback on everything that is happening. This is very foreign territory for me.
I read your thread tonight and wish you the best - I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. Know that you will emerge from all this a better man than ever before. You recognized you need to break free from your own behaviors and are actively doing what you can to be a better person. It is so much easier to throw in the towel, say I'm right, I don't need to change and do nothing. It takes courage to do what we're doing and the reward is a better relationship with ourselves and those around us.
My posts don't seem to be posting so hopefully this comes through.
After a good long weekend with W where we had a good time. Kept conversation light and playful she instantly became the snow queen this morning over IM.
Not sure if I did this right but I said "I get the feeling something is on your mind, do you want to talk about it?" W: No Me: I'm here to listen if you change your mind.
The 180 is confusing to me because I'm supposed to change and do what I used to do in the beginning of our R which was listen and be attentive. On the other hand I'm also not supposed to contact her much and make her "miss me". These two things seem to go against each other.
I feel like my 180 has been working because we're spending time together and having fun but it's keeping me emotionally connected.
The 180 is confusing to me because I'm supposed to change and do what I used to do in the beginning of our R which was listen and be attentive. On the other hand I'm also not supposed to contact her much and make her "miss me". These two things seem to go against each other.
You catch a squirrel doing things that make it curious and want to come around, not by chasing it. Part of the lure is backing off and getting on with being a better person. She will notice as long as there are some windows of opportunity. The changes must be genuine and not superficial acts for her benefit. If you want to work things out, you must be willing to put the work into yourself.
If and when she does come around, let her initiate and then listen carefully and validate. "I get the feeling something is on your mind, do you want to talk about it?" is not letting her initiate, it is trying to get her to talk.
Reframe the two things. They are not conflicting. The first is a strategy to get her to come around, the other is to keep her coming back for more.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Denver I actually replied to you but that post never actually went through...
Spellfire - I am making the changes for myself and I can tell you I feel much better with not snooping alone.
Total random question here - I do the most of the housework here. I genuinely do this for myself because a messy place drives me nuts. Doing her laundry is a part of that. Should I stop doing her stuff for her?
Had my first phone session with the DB counselor this week which was great. I spent the majority of the time talking and talking. Amazing what just talking will do for yourself. Most of the time I feel so alone in this because I don't really have an outlet or feel that anybody is there to listen. I haven't told anybody real close to me and only one friend who lives in Europe knows. I told him because he went through something similar and beat it. Unfortunately we've only spoken once since everything has happened. I have great friends and I know they would be there to listen to and support me if I reached out to them. However, I really don't want to taint the image of my wife with them and make things awkward in the future as I pray we'll be able to reconcile. I figure if people know it will just make everything harder down the road.
Everything feels like such a balancing act these days. It is amazing how much emotions can swing at any given moment and how much. One second I'll be optimistic and literally a moment later I'll be upset and thinking maybe I want the D. What is fortunate for me recently is that I've been able to keep this from the W and remain cheerful around her (before my 180 I was an absolute rollercoaster to be around). I'm honestly not used to being this emotional and it just feels so bizarre. It's not just what is going on with our M but in general the whole experience has made me different. I can be reading something on CNN that is somewhat sad and just burst into tears over it whereas that would never happen before.
I took some time to read Sandi's story from when she was a WAW and it has probably been the most helpful thing in giving me understanding as to what my W is going through. My W too is also emotionally all over the place and in talking to Laurie from DB she said it's also normal. We can have a great couple of days and then for seemingly no reason the wife will be terribly unhappy for a few days. What I've learned and what seems to be working is to capitalize on the times that we are having fun together and the second I sense that she's not into it just back way off and give space while being cheerful and pleasant.
I just got a verbal offer on a new job this week which I'll be starting at the end of January. This is great news for me because I was laid off in December for the second time this year and that was not helping my confidence. I'm debating on jetting off to Europe alone for a quick 7 day vacation and the W thinks it's a good idea too. If I do go I'm debating on not contacting her at all while out there just to break up the tension some. We've never gone a full week without talking in the 8 years we've been together.
I'm going to log off for the night - any and all feedback is always welcome.
