Hi everyone – first post here after reading for a few months. I’ll start with the basics
Me: 30 W: 27 M: 5 years in January T: 8 No Kids
This October I learned that my W had a PA with someone from our Gym about a year and a half ago. She came clean on it and told me about the PA and that she has feelings for another man (who does not have feelings for her) as well as that she does not love me like she should.
At the time she said she was willing to work on the marriage and I bought a bunch of books to “fix things”. It is in my nature to fix everything to the point of it being a flaw. During this time W kept saying that she needed space while I was pushing for commitment and trying harder. Of course this ultimately drove her away more. I became paranoid and believed that she was still trying to contact the OM and I resorted to snooping and was right. She had been trying to contact the OM but he had been unresponsive with her for some time. I called her out on it beginning of December and she admitted it and agreed to work some more on us. For the most of December I had been snooping in the phone records and it only made things worse.
About 2 weeks ago we talked and she let me know that she wanted a D. I broke down pleaded, cried and did everything I shouldn’t have. W said she has been so unhappy since this all happened and she feels so much guilt. She doesn’t love me like she used to or how she should and this has nothing to do with another man. She said “I’ll never be able to look at you the same now” and it is hard for her to cope with what she did. On my end she thinks I’m overanalyzing everything she says and am acting mopey and depressed. I’m trying to do a 180 but falter when the D conversation comes up.
We still live in the same house although she just moved to sleeping in the living room as of two days ago. Since she dropped the D bomb things have been pretty good between us, as I’ve been trying to give her space and have not been the one to bring up R. We still IM, txt and talk and had a great day in the city yesterday shopping. She said she is trying to see me as a best friend now although I mentioned if we D I would be out of her life completely. I feel like every step forward is followed by 2 back.
The things I’m working on are:
Not being a pushover and saying how I actually feel – I’ve never discussed feelings until all of this and she always pressed me on this early in our R. I also go along with things just to avoid conflict. We’ve never really fought at all in our marriage, which is why it is all the more surprising for me.
Getting out more – funny at the beginning of our R she was insanely jealous and I never was. I used to party had a ton of female friends and I basically gave all of it up for her.
Genuinely be more peppy and fun to be around – I hate this mopey ish.
No more snooping.
I am reading DR and codependent no more but I am way out of my element here and really appreciate any and all feedback from everyone.
