I fit the description of the WAW, but HE left .

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am the one left behind. In all the things Michelle talks about I was the one that talked until I was blue, nagged, begged and then...stopped because it was getting me no where. Figured I had to accept the status quo, and never thought of ending my marriage. I did start looking for emotional food elsewhere, validation elsewhere, shared activity elsewhere. I did this because in almost every way he could he excluded me, marginalized me, didn't need/want me.
Yet, I was devastated when he left, thought everything in our marriage was if not great, a temporary dip in the road of life.

Counselor says he left premptively.
How is this addressed effectively? It's not a classic WAW situation. He left September '09, January he told me he wasn't coming back. It's been 15 months, there have been small improvements along the way, but I don't know how long I can live without companionship, a genuine appreciation of who I am, or sex.

[grebjack]

You and I have some things in common. I was the walk away wife, but after giving up on us and feeling so hopeless that divorce actually looked like the lesser of two evils, I never stopped talking til I was blue, nagging and begging, and now I too am the one who is trying to save the marriage while he's looking to move on.

How do you address it effectively? I don't know, but what have you done to make those small improvements along the way? Maybe that's your best guide.

Empathy for your wish for companionship, appreciation, and sex - I long for the same things.

Sorry it's been a month since your posts - these boards aren't as busy as I'd hoped. But there is at least one person here wishing you well. Hope the new year brings some new hope.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks for your kind response. It seems when you need the most help, it's farthest away sometimes.

Things are forcing my hand. Financial problems requiring a formal separation agreement. I am not happy. I hope it has a paradoxical effect on the WAS, but I don't know anymore. He's so distant, silent, and emotionally dead/detached.

I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 9 months and made incredible and effective progress. He acknowledges the changes he's seen in me, few though they may be from his POV, as he's not around that much. He only really sees me when he picks up and drops off the kids mainly.

I did find out something valuable this past week though. He is taking every word I say as a dig/criticism. For example: He did something thoughtful and I thanked him, and I added I knew that the act was an inconvience to him. It was my attempt at acknowledging his effort and kindness.

He took it as a dig against him. So we had a calm and short discussion about intent, truth, reality and perspectives. How what he may think is a dig may not be one at all, and if he's e questioning it, then please ask me to clarify. It went well ( I thought). I used the analogy of a traffic collison viewed by five people at different vantage points, how they all see the collision, but they'll all have different stories because they see the same thing but from different locations.

I then respectfully asked him to please assume I am behaving above board with kindness and sincerity and not malice.

It hurts to know he thinks the worst of me.
I honestly don't know how it's come to the point where he sees every word/action/contact as a negative experience with potential meanness behind it. It saddens me greatly. I have absolutely nothing to gain in being vindictive or mean.
I have never been either in my perspective, but I guess criticisms over time have that effect on a person.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Today the hammer fell.
He emailed me that he wants a divorce.
I am deeply upset.
I already spoke to my DB coach.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yesterday the bomb dropped.
He emailed me he wants a divorce, our marriage is over, he wants me to move on.
I am grieving again.
I spoke to a DB counselor, I'm not giving up.
Pray for me, my husband and my family.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yesterday the bomb was dropped.
He wants a divorce, he says our marriage is over, he wants me to move on with his life as he is moving on with his.
I am grieving again. I can only make more changes in myself/behaviour.
I have talked to a DB coach.
Pray for me, my husband and my family.

[Queen_of_Swords]

So now what?
I have done what my counselor had recommended.
I will see the WAS tomorrow night and again Sunday afternoon.
Do I keep up the unconcerned, less said the better, upbeat and happy attitude?
He is cold, unwelcoming and even rude to me. Looks at me like I'm some particularly poisonous insect.

[grebjack]

He assumes the worst, acts extraordinarily cold, and tells you he wants you to move on. The easiest thing for the spouse who wants out is for you to (1) be a jerk (thus his assumption that everything you say is you being on the attack) or (2) to leave him alone (thus his discouraging tone and request that you move on). Who knows what he's really feeling - maybe this is just his way of protecting himself. Seems to me, though, that your best chance at reconciliation is still to avoid talking about difficult topics and be as upbeat and pleasant to be around as possible. Yes, he wants a divorce now, but it's not over yet, and you already know (from wedding day to January 11th) that his feelings can change, so don't lose hope yet.

[marcusko]

Praying for you Scylla - Michelle says in Divorce Remedy to expect miracles. So listen to the last post about it not being over yet . . . . he says he wants divorce now but others have reached that place and turned it around. Keep with the plan and don't lose hope!

marcusko

me: 55
W: 50
D: 17, D: 12
Married: 21 yrs
Bomb: 03/01/10
Separated 10/09/10

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thank you for your responses and encouragement grebjack and marcusko.
I am only halfway through reading Divorce Remedy. I plan to finish by the end of this week. I've got some time.

I am doing what my coach advises though and keeping a journal of the postive things he does do, so I have a little more balanced view of things. It's really easy to focus on the negative stuff and forget about the little positive acts that occur.

I had my g/f over today, she was here when he dropped off the kids, and I specifically asked her about how I behave around him as a reality check. Her overall analysis is that I was pleasant, polite and neutral.

I've completely shut up about talking about things that are important to me with him. There is no point. He wants it superficial, so I save my breath, words and energy now. In my view, distorted as that may be, he really doesn't care about how I feel or what I think anyway. That's a bitter thing to accept, but I must, or say things that don't benefit me.