How do I validate her when she wants a divorce? I have tried the "I understand why you feel that way" but then I get stumped. She has already filed and has kind of procrastinated getting stuff done. She blames the lawyer but I think that it is tough for her to pull everything together because of the emotions involved.
I think I made some big mistakes. The obvious ones like pleading, begging, etc but also I moved out of the house when she said that she was going to file. I wanted to take myself out of the picture so that she could really think but I realize now that that was probably a mistake and has really hindered my ability to communicate with her. Our only contact now is pretty much through email and she is super straight forward and just ignores any emails that I send that talk about anything substantive (which I'm not supposed to be doing anyway)
My question is how big of a mistake was it to move out? We have no children so our contact is only about issues pertaining to the divorce so I get stuck trying to agree with her on things that are tearing me apart. Then I backslide like crazy.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Validating does mean agree with her, it means make her feel heard and don't discount her by saying 'sorry you feel that way'.
When she talks, just listen, and try to get more of her feelings out of her, but don't take her feelings as fact or proof of future events.
Don't worry about your mistakes, move forward. You can't tell if it was a mistake to move out or if it would have been a mistake to stay. Use it to your advantage, use it to let her not be able to predict your every move. Use it to create mystery.
The emails you're sending that you know you shouldn't have the affect of confirming how she sees you. And I know it's hard not to put down in an email what you feel you need to say. Just don't send it to her. If you have to write it, send it to yourself. I did that years ago, too and that helped some. Look at it a day or two later. You will probably realize that you should not send it. If you still decide to do it, you will probably edit it and that will be a good thing. After you edit again, wait at least a few hours before sending.
I hope you find lots of joy today, find things that make you happy. Merry Christmas.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
So when she says something like "I have to get some documents to the lawyer and I'll let you know when I hear anything about a timeline" I should say?
I thought that she was stalling with getting the information to the lawyer and maybe she was but I mentioned to her in an email that if she wanted to take some time to think that was fine with me. But she responded that she wasn't needing time just that the lawyer was slow or something to that effect.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
