Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[Sad_but_happy]

Old link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112822&page=13

Well, seems my thread was locked so here is thread 2...

Where I left off:
Question... And this is going to sound nutty!

I went to a phychic about two weeks ago. Let me just state that I don't believe in that stuff but he was right on about many things going on in my life... Did it as a 180 cause I always told W it was crap.

He told me that I should arrainge a wine toast for my W and I for tonight. The reason is because its the Winter Solstice (the true last day of the year). He stated we should toast to leaving all our difficulties and trials behind (in the now gone year) and look forward to new years and new adventures ahead. kind of a cleansing...

He also said I should have a small gift for her. I was thinking one of those beaded memory braclets.

Now again, I don't believe in that crap but I don't see how it could hurt... Unless it is seen as smoothering or needy (this DB stuff really makes you think twice).

Is it a good idea or no? I will not bring up R...


Update,
Last night went great. After the toast we spent three hours in bed talking about everything including R. then we started reading about M and she stated, "it's a good thing that I stopped and thought about what I was doing before acting on my emotions (i.e. leaving me for her EA)."

We will need to rebuild our love, trust and affection but that will come in time. She seems so happy and grounded. I believe she still misses OM but far less then before. I know she loves her home and her life. We really lost our way, stopped doing nice things for each other and grew apart. this experiance makes you realize what you have and to never take it for granted.

Thanks to all that have helped me through this. I know I came off as angry or defensive at times but with the flood of emotions that this sitch creates it's hard to stay even keel.

I am convinced we are piecing but will stay here for now, continue to read and learn and hopefully gain more advice.

[sandi2]

That really sounds great and if both of you will work at it, I have confidence that you're going to make it. If my H had laid in bed and talked with me for three hours....I would have thought I'd gone to heaven.

We really lost our way, stopped doing nice things for each other and grew apart.

And I believe that is the bottom line with most of these stories here on the board. It's easy to lose sight when you have a family and such busy lives.

Remember to bring as much "fun" things into the R as much as you can right now. Helps to keep the tension down. Laughing is important and it helps heal. Helps both of you to relax, too.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Sandi,

I have a few great things planned...

Today, I looked up all the nicest Christmas houses in my town and mapped them out in Google. There are about 20. We are taking a ride with the kids, getting ice cream, listening to Christmas music, and looking at all the lights. There are about 20 houses so it will take about 1.5 hours. then we are headed home for a Christmas movie and some peppermint schnapse (sp).


We have lots of Christmas parties to go to. I think the key here is to not be clingy on the S if they are with you. Christmas parties are a great place to show your WAS that you can socialize and have fun independant from your S. Hang and drink with the guys (or girls if you're a W) and don't worry about what your S is doing. Then bring them a glass of wine or appitizer to be kind and thoughtful and head back to your friends.

Should be a great holiday...

[sandi2]

Sounds good. Are these parties people she knows?

You are having a great opportunity and making the most out of the season. Best of all, "you" sound better and that will be the best thing for her to respond to. Keep us updated, okay? Sure helps hearing good news.

[Sad_but_happy]

Yes, they are neighbors... In fact, they are more HER friends cause guys just follow along for the most part when it comes to these things, no? I get along fine with the H's. We live in a place where lots of W's stay home and the H all go to work so they have more tim to socialize. So she will see me have lots of fun with HER friends.

I do feel better. Not sure if it's cause I am less insecure about her intentions (feeling she really wants to make our marriage work) or getting more secure within myself (I hope the latter).

Today was/is good. Thanks for checking in with me...

[nas]

Checking in on ya SBH, how was your holiday?

[sandi2]

Hey sweetie, tell us all about Christmas and how things are going.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Guys,
Sorry for the delay in posting. Just got very busy. Thanks for asking how I'm doing. The holidays went well. Had lots of fun with the kids. I did make one big mistake on Christmas Eve.

We got home from a great time at a friends house. We went to a party and I drank waaaaay too much. So here is what happened.

Came home and got angry cause W let the kids open their first presant while I was in the bathroom. It made me angry cause I thought it should have been done as a family. Anyway W didn't mean to do it maliciously but like I said i had too much to drink. So I came in the room angry which mage my W angry and she said why don't you go to bed in an angry tone. Of course my anxiety rose. The worst part of your W having an EA is the LBS feels as if they are being compared to this perfect OM or OW(mind reading).So any time you mess up, you feel like you are losing your S. So you panic to make things right.

Anyway, after we both relaxed I stupidly opened myself up to W. Told her I missed her and felt lonely. Told her I miss ML. Didn't cry but shed a few tears. SO STUPID!!! I WAS SO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS BUT DIDN"T LET HER SEE THAT. Do NOT drink and DB!!!

Anyway, after all that we went to several parties the following days. She sat on my lap once and we still spoon every night. She leans into me more on her own. Still have wine every night and read marriage books together.

I didn't lie by the way. I am lonely and I do miss ML.

I am in such an odd gray area. She seems committed to the M but affection is not happening on her part. I assume it's cause she wants to feel those "in love" feelings again. My problem is that I can't live without affection. It is my LL.

I am sooo afraid that I am going to wander to OW just to feel something. I so want it from W but she is holding back. Everything we read tells to give to your S and nurture the R but she just can't seem to do that.

It's not right that the WAS and LBS both make mistakes in the R. Then the WAS decides to do something very bad like see OP. Then the LBS has to fight for marriage by giving the WAS anything and everything that will bring them back.

If they want to be left alone, we leave them alone. If they want their LL met, we meet it.

Sandi, am I being compared to OM every day or is she comparing the new me to the old me? I truly believe she is not going anywhere and wants to stay married but this lack of physical affection is really killing me!!! And knowing that she would readily give it to OM just adds fuel to the fire!!!

Ugh..

[InAPickle]

" knowing that she would readily give it to OM "

Do you really know this or is your imagination just torturing you?

Unless she flat says, "I would readily give it up to OM right now if you were not here and he was."

I would not ASS-U-ME anything.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi pickle,
She never said it and yes it's mind reading, but come on... I know she would... I know most WAS that "fall out of love with the LBS" and are in a fog with the OP! She told me she kissed him... And when snooping I found some emails and letters that stated some intimate things. No sex, but physical things she admired about him (nothing below the belt)...

Knowing these things doesn't help my sitch and only makes me feel awful.

I can picture W being sooo happy when she was able to see OM and I'm sure she was. I'm sure she gave him a big hug and kiss every time she arrived and every time she left. She was able to get away from "real life" and live in a fantasy! I want that too.

Sorry but even writing this makes me angry.

I know I can forgive if I feel a committment from W. And yes, I need to feel it physically. It's my LL. Anything else is second best. W knows my LL and if she can't meet my LL then I feel she doesn't love me. And maybe right now she doesn't. And how long can I really keep this up? It's crap that I have to wait for her to love me again before I get my needs met. With no guarantees she ever will love me again. And am I just wasting time? Maybe another woman will love me better.

I'm not as patient or strong as many on this board. I know I have it better then most with my W staying and committing and giving my SOME affection but for me it's not enough. Fighting the rejection and loneliness is not easy no matter how much 180 and GAL I do...