Here we go, we are really piecing!

[DestinyUnknown]

Hi my fellow and loyal DBer's! My H and I have decided to work on our marriage. We are really taking it slow, literally building and laying a new foundation for our marriage one brick at a time. While he is still deployed, we communicate daily, several times over. No preaching, no accusations, no anger, no blame, and no lies. These are our primary guidelines for how WE interact with one another. We are finding it easier to open up with one another. It feels like courting, but I still have low expectations. My question is - how do you know piecing is progressing steadily towards reconciliation?

[BeginningAgain]

Destiny,

It sounds to me like you are on the right track! Congratulations on making it this far. I think you know you are progressing towards reconcilliation when you see a concerted effort on both partners to make their actions match their words, i.e. walk the talk so to speak. It is easy to say you are going to change or do things differently and much harder to actually do it and on a regular occasion. Are you feeling more trustworthy of your partner, more confident in the relationship? These to me are indicators that you are marking progress. Wishing you the best!

BA

[Mila]

Hi Du - came across your new tread in piecing....I'm so happy for you girl....it will be very hard work, but I know that you can do your part...hope everything turns out well for the two of you....

(((hugs)))

[sgctxok]

Congratulations, Destiny!

Just start building. Now is really the time to build your DB skills. Always 'take stock' as Michele says in DR. Really look at what your interactions are like. What are each of you doing?

Be clear as to what you want more of in your relationship.

How is what is really going on matching with what you want more of? THEN, look at the aresenal you have in DR/KLA, and start practicing. And it actually gets fun and enjoyable because you aren't on the edge of a breakup. So tweak your behavior, so you build your skillset to build more love.

And look at REAL GIVING. I like Michele's blog on real giving. Search that.

I'm so happy for you!

[DestinyUnknown]

Thank you Mila and SGCTXOT! It is going to be tough, but I am "beiginning to notice" that we are both more insightful about our past pollutant behaviors. It is a little hard because he is away, but he says he is looking forward to being home with me. He is using "us" unprovoked in our conversations and I am just taking it one day at a time...Slow steps can lead to big leaps.

Happy New Year!!!!

[DestinyUnknown]

Update - September 2011. My H and I are still building our marriage and we both very hopeful and committed. However, I is definitely work. We he first came home, he and I both wanted to please and appease each other to assure one another that we are both committed to investing the work to make our marriage succesful.

After about 3 months, I started to notice that we became "comfortable" with our progress and began (I say BEGAN) to see trust restored. However, we had a brief disagreement about one thing and I swear, I thought that one thing was going to seal the fate of our marriage sending it down the tubes!!! But my H surprisingly and with comfort said the next day that he was sorry, apologized and said that he knows that it will take us time to get use to "normalcy". Meaning that in all relationships, marriage or not, disagreements and arguement occur, but it is how we deal with each other after the arguement and disagreement that really indicates "marriage maturity".

I thought it was very insightful. I still sometimes have thoughts about if he has seen the former OW, but then I remember the DB techniques I learned here.

1) Patience is a virture and never allow my "thoughts" to control me
2) Get out of my own way; let things be and in time clarity will shine through
3) GAL and MYOL (maintain your own life) even after reconciliation
4) Be good to myself (knowing that I am the best advocate to for myself in achieving happiness)
5) Never maintain anger; you can be disappointed or even displeased, but never hold hold to anger because it will drag you into a pit of despair.

My very good DB counselor (you know who you are) continues to be a wise and faithful friend and that has been helpful. I hope this help some along in dealing with their pain.

I once did something to myself that was unimaginable, then I GALed and realize that life without my H was possible. It was possible and to my surprise, my H asked to see if we could build a new marriage. We are bulding one brick at a time.

[broken5150]

Hi Destiny!

It warms the heart to hear that have reached the point of reconciliation and piecing. You are at the point the most of us hope to get to one day.

When I saw your post, I went to your original thread and read about your situation. Its similar to mine. My WAW had lost some weight, had a tummy tuck and breast enhancement. Once this happened, her character changed.

She started posting herself all over Facebook and started to crave the single life. I started noticing that intimacy was decreasing and she was becoming very careless of me. Soon after, there was a tragedy in my home. A car came crashing into my living room killing two young boys. I think this made her snap. One month later, she was asking me to leave our home. Her replay behaviors have been brutal! Threats of restraining orders ( even though I never came near her), I put my hand on her back and she said that if I ever touched her again, she would call rape, name calling, verbal bashing, you name it, she did it.

Fast fwd a year later of this torture, OM comes in to picture. W is 38, OM is 25. She doesn’t allow me in her home and now she is letting OM come in and play with my kids! Now, she seems to be pushing harder for the divorce even though she claims they are just friends.

Please view my posts for more details.

So my questions to you are, how bad was your husband’s replay stage?

Was there a time that you gave up hope?

What made him turn around and see the light?

Any helpful pointers will be great!

Of course, Destiny, I ask these questions VERY respectfully. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

Thanks!