Running out of time

[Goodfight]

Well, the hearing didn't go very well. H has to pay spousal and more child support since he is dropping us from his benefits but I understand because it is going to cost him so much and the benefits that are being offered are terrible.

H got furious when he found out how much he would have to pay. But then I got him to calm down. I offered to put him on mine since it wouldn't cost anymore for me to do that until the D was final but he said he wasn't taking anything from anyone. Then his L goes and brings up the D when I was praying and hoping she wouldn't.

So she says to my L about not going through a master since neither my or H could afford the court costs or the L's fees. And just deciding between all of us. I know this is because his L doesn't want him to pay spousal for a long period of time so she is pushing the D to save him from paying.

I asked H that after I talked to my L for a minute did he have time to talk to me, and he said yes.

So we talked for around 1/2 an hour and I told H this is it and he needs to decide what he wants because on the 15th that will be it. H doesn't comprehend very well, and says no it's not, it's just a meeting. I told him that it wasn't just a meeting.

I told him I had to get back to work and he said he had to also so I asked if we could talk some more later and he said he would call me when he got home and I could come over. Back at the court house we talked about his family and he was telling me that he is a family man etc. and I told him that he has his own family and I understood what his family means to him. He told me that his sister has changed so much and is not the evil and mean person she use to be (boy does she have him fooled), and that they are very close now.

H called me at work and told me he was home and to come over when I got out, so I did. Well we didn't discuss much of the settlement at all or putting off the divorce for now, or going through with it......I was soooo nervous and I could tell he was too. We talked about the kids, and his family and he was showing me pictures of his nephews how big the one got and the one he just met a year ago when he made up with his mother and that side of the family.

We got along really good but I did have a couple of drinks because I was soooo nervous. H also had a couple, now remember he told me he quit drinking......that he didn't need it anymore.....LOL Anyway, basically we talked like friends and then we both had too much to drink. I was afraid to drive home. I don't drink to begin with and I had 4 so I was feeling pretty good. I asked H if I could stay on the couch for the night but one thing led into another and I ended up being with him again in his bedroom.

He called off of work around 2:30 a.m. (which he would never call off when we were together), I was sooo shocked!!! I also had to call off around 7:30 because I was still drunk....LOL I could have sworn he told me he loved me while we were ML but I'm not 100% positive. Too much to drink!!

So the next morning after I called off he was laying on his couch and I laid down at the other end. He said what are you doing (in a joking voice) and I said I'm laying down and as soon as I can drive I needed to get home.

We didn't talk much, I was so afraid to bring things up and I guess he was too. He would say around every 15 minutes, what are you still doing here and I got so fed up I got up off of the couch and said that I was going. Then he says I'm only joking, you can't take a joke. He grabbed me and held me (oh and by the way the night before, he thought I was sleeping and I felt him hold me like it use to be, and then I thought he fell asleep I needed to get comfortable so I rolled over and he pulled me closer to him again and that was the best part). We ML the morning after also, but then he wanted me to do it again before I left and I said that I'm not his **ore. He started making me feel like that or maybe it was just me....I really don't know.

Anyway, I was crushed because he did say he was going out later on to do some shopping and I sent him a text and no response. So I called and he didn't answer the phone so I just left him a message saying I had a quick question for him. In the text I sent him I told him that I was willing to talk to his family if they were willing to talk to me. The reason I did this was because he was talking about them and saying how much his sister has changed and is not this mean and evil person anymore and he is very close to her. I know that's what he wants to believe but I know for a fact she is still the same person. Anyway, I didn't hear from him until Sat. night. He took our daughter during the day to his brother's for their Christmas party and she didn't want to stay over at the last minute. So he brought her home around 9:30, and he actually walked her up on the porch, which he has never done since the separation. And there is a big window behind our couch and he banged on it and I thought it was our daughter trying to scare me joking around. She came in laughing saying that daddy said to her watch this, I'm going to scare your mother.

I texted him and called him a smart a@@, LOL because he did scare me!! Then within 10 min he was calling me (he was feeling good), asking if I wanted to go out. He also had his 2 sons staying over there, which the one is 17 so he drove there. Well, I don't know which one it was but they were having a fit. He asked the oldest one to drive him to my house at least and we would leave from there and his son said no. So, since I can't see very well at night, I told him I would have my son and his girlfriend pick him up and we could walk to the bar down the street from our home. We ended up going over for about an hour and a half, with his son calling almost every 15 min. Then his son told him he was coming for him and H told me. I got mad and said this was one of his problems that he had with me. Letting the kids tell us what to do and letting them come first. So he called his son and told him to turn around and that my son and his girlfriend would bring him home later.

He actually came in the house, I was upstairs getting ready cause I was not dressed and did not expect this at all. At first my son's girlfriend said he stood outside and then came in and let the dog out of his kennel (it was H's dog) but stayed with me. He was playing with him, then when we got home he said I'm not staying here, so I don't know if he wanted me to ask him to stay or what but I said no you aren't. (Son's girlfriend said he seemed like he missed being at our home) I told H that I was going downstairs to get the kids to take him home. He played with our dog while I did this and was telling the dog that he loved and missed him.

This all happened Sat. night so Sunday morning I texted him and told him I had shopping to do and would he like to come with me and he could buy me something to eat. So here we go again. I never heard anything back from him.

Forgot to tell you this part. When our daughter came home she was telling me that H was crying at the party saying he loved his Dad to his oldest brother and the brother can't stand their father and was just looking at H like what the hell....... since H talks to his Dad, so the rest of the family came in the room and he told them that I stopped at his house on Wed to talk. I couldn't believe he told them! The bad part is, our daughter and the rest of the kids got sent upstairs so she had no clue to what they said back to him. So now I'm afraid they talked him out of trying to make things work, or slowing down the divorce. But then again, he still called Sat. night and we did go out for a little while.

Don't know where to go from here since we are running out of time and I think H is realizing that also. I have to talk to him because I got a letter from my lawyer saying he needed my proposal for the divorce by the 7th because H's lawyer wanted it by the 15th. And here me and H didn't realize it is a Sat. and there isn't any meeting. I'm waiting for him to call and I'm going to ask him if he got a copy (which I know he didn't), or some kind of letter about all of this, I just hope and pray he calls. I'm so nervous. I don't know what to do.

Sorry so long, but wanted to give the biggest update I have seen in 2 years on everything.

I really need advice.

[AntoniaB]

Wow. That's a huge update. I'm not sure what to tell you other than to be cautious about how much importance you invest in the ML part. The reason I say that is that last year when H and I were separated two months, and he was not involved with anyone at that point, he was over one night to just watch a game with me and we had some wine as we were nervous. After 3 glasses, he started to hold my hand, then kiss me, then all hell broke loose and we probably had the best sex we ever had in our lives. This put us back into a place where we started "dating" frequently, and in retrospect it was probably more about the sex than anything else. Emotionally we were not ready to be in a relationship again (especially him). I still think it was the sex that got him to move back in before he was "ready" to, and later he did say that he moved back before he had figured out "who he was" and that this made him grow to resent me for "making" him move back by laying a guilt trip--I admit I'd say things like "you can have sex with me several times a week and get along with me better than ever but we are paying 500 a month for you to live elsewhere?? And he lasted a few months and then started up the affair with the new coworker.

I think sometimes alcohol and emotions can mix and make for a deadly combination. Hell, my H was drunk the night he decided to make out with the OW, and it was that act that made him to come to the decision to move out, pursue something further with her, and divorce me.

In your case, just be really cautious. I'm not surprised that your H took part in this and a lot of old feelings/emotions came back for both of you and that after, he begins the pullback. Not surprised at all.

As for "running out of time", do you mean you feel you need him to recommit before the divorce is final? Like you're running out of time to get things back to an intact marriage? Well, if you were somehow able to stop the divorce before it got to that point, and he wasn't ready for real, then it would eventually break apart anyway. I almost think you have to let it all play out as it is going to. If the rel. is meant to come back together successfully, it will, even post-divorce. Divorce isn't always the end for some people. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but it sounds like you want to know what to do to get things "right" before anything is final. Believe me, I get that feeling as I'm divorced any day now. But a few weeks ago I gave up trying. There isn't anything we can do. It was their decision to leave, it will have to be their decision to come back. Then, it's our decision whether we let that happen! But there is no magic bullet. You just have to keep doing what protects you and your emotional health, and I'd say the biggest thing you can do is to not place too much faith in the night you had with him. I'd hate to see you get really wrapped up in the promise of that and find out that it hasn't changed anything.

[Goodfight]

AntoniaB, this is not the first time for ML. And we have been separated for 2yrs. now. What I meant was for running out of time is the divorce. I don't want H home until he wants to come home if he ever does want to come home. I just don't see any reason to go through losing the house spending all this money on lawyers and for a divorce if he still is undecided (in the fog).

H doesn't comprehend well at all and doesn't realize that if he doesn't put a hold at least by contacting his lawyer on the divorce that it will go through. And to be honest with you, like most people on this board I don't want a divorce.

I've been standing for over 2yrs. and H hasn't had OW, his family is the big problem. I guess he told them lies about me so he didn't look like the bad guy for leaving, and now he seems to regret it and doesn't know how to get out of the mess he made between me and his family.

Maybe I'm totally wrong, I don't know. But what I do know, is I don't want a divorce at all. We are both in a financial mess now because of all of this, and it keeps getting worse. If the divorce goes through I will be even in a bigger mess.

That's why I don't know what to do as far as contacting H about the letter I received or not as far as a proposal that my lawyer wants and needs me to make. Or do I wait for H to contact me then bring it up? I'm really confused, especially how things went this past week with H. We didn't ML on Sat. night, just spent a little time together.

I do understand what you are saying as far as spending Wed. night with him because I did that in March. Thought things were going to change and we would start to reconcile. But nope. This time was different, it was the first time he told his family about us being together. I'm wondering if he is trying to make it so they won't be upset with him if we do try again. He would have never told them anything unless he was at least thinking about us again.

There would be no reason to tell them as far as he was concerned.

I'm just totally confused.

[AntoniaB]

Oh I see what you're saying. I guess in terms of protection for you, if you will be in a bigger financial mess if the divorce goes through, and there is some chance that he's confused and doesn't understand those implications, you do have to be proactive about things and I guess make him understand (or have your lawyer do it) the urgency of "Y will happen if X happens". Maybe one of you can file some sort of delay of things if he is showing signs of being up in the air? I don't know the legal name for it, but something that delays the divorce for 30 days or something?

[Cadet]

I think that Antonia has given you good advice.
He sounds like he is still within his FOG.
You need to keep moving along with your life "as if" he is not coming back.
The encounters you had with him are probably a function of him having some clarity.
A touch and go.
There probably is some relief on his part that the divorce is moving along and
he is getting rid of you.
I wish I could see something more positive but when he is really out of the FOG you will have no doubt.
Now thats all you have is doubt.

It sounds to me as if you were pursuing him and he let you catch him.
That is not going to be the basis of a new marriage IMHO.

Stay on you path.

[Goodfight]

AntoniaB, I just spoke to my lawyer and he said that he feels that H doesn't know what he wants either and I did tell him when he asked if anything was new.....I told him that we were together Wed. night and Sat. night and Sat. was for a couple of hours. He said he had a feeling that we would end up seeing each other because H didn't look happy at all when his lawyer mentioned the D.

His advice was for me to get all the paper work together as far as all the bills in both of our names and just have it ready just in case and wait for H to call me and for me not to call him, and that he would love to see us reconcile. But not to call H because he probably will feel pressured. And if H does call then explain to him what is going on. My lawyer said that he doesn't think H really understands that this is making the D happen quicker but that it is H's lawyers fault for not explaining things to H. H has learning and comprehension problems.

As far as pursuing my H, I have not done that in a long time. Well, since March.....guess not that long, the last time we ML. I knew better this time then to push him this time. He actually pursued me these last couple of weeks. And before March I didn't pursue him then either. In the beginning of our S yes, I did all the wrong things....I pleaded and begged etc. but I didn't know about DBusting and found the site 5 months later.

H pursued me from the time we met till a couple of days before he left to go live with his father and step-mother and I had NO clue to what was going on.

I really thought I was seeing baby steps as far as him contacting me and asking me to go out. Now I'm confused.

[Goodfight]

Cadet,

Years ago, yes H was a very very angry person. He suffers from anger depression also and stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue until he was gone and I found the bottle.

Anyway, OUCH. That really hurt when you said there probably is some relief on his part that the divorce is moving along and
he is getting rid of you. Yes, I believe that was true for a while and he would even say it to me, but I honestly don't believe that anymore. He just seems so confused about everything.

[AntoniaB]

I think maybe what Cadet meant by saying he might be feeling relief about the D is that those in MLC have built up the marriage as the problem in their lives because they are too afraid to confront themselves head-on and their issues, and so they sometimes push headlong into the divorce thinking that "if I am just divorced all these feelings and confusion and pain will go away", kind of like "I want to be a new person with a new life and it will just magically happen if that divorce is final.

My H has referred to his whole path as a "reboot"; he has said directly to me that he wants to "start over at square one" and "try his life again as a different person" and he figures that this OW will help him do that, and he can't be fully committed to her until he is divorced from me.

I think he's wrong. I think he thinks that the emotional ties will magically fizzle away. Maybe your H thinks the same. But they won't. This is why so many of them end up later regretting their move to divorce us. Of course some of us will never know if they regret it. But I think that's what Cadet meant.

[AntoniaB]

Oh and as for the other things you were asking about, I think you should follow your lawyer's advice and sit back and breathe. There isn't much more you CAN do.

I can tell you from my experience that in the beginning I used to call or email my H to try to get him to deal with the legal stuff because it seemed like he was putting his head in the sand. I had an ulterior motive I'll admit now--I know that I was holding out some shred of hope that when I explained this, that, and the other, showing him what a pain it all was, what a lot of work it all was, and the cost to divorce, that I was hoping maybe he'd give up and abandon the idea. Kind of like "gee in my fog I never thought about all these real things coming down on us. Maybe I should stop this before it's too late."

Guess what? It made no difference at all. Logic didn't work. Emotion didn't work. The man wants his divorce and his confusion or foot-dragging, at least in my case, comes from his inability to just handle things like this IN GENERAL. I was always the one who would handle phone calls/lawyers/bill paying/record keeping. My H, this is ALL NEW to him. He's scared about dealing with it all and a procrastinator. I think he figured if he just procrastinated long enough, I would take over and make all the arrangements FOR him.

After I realized that my trying to get him to be definitive or take action one way or the other was only frustrating me, I backed off entirely. The most I've heard from him now is that he FINALLY got a lawyer who is FINALLY working on the QDROs so even though we'll be divorced in a few days, there are still financial ties till the QDROs go through because he dragged his feet on that stuff till now.

So I don't know if that helps, but it seems like it might be a parallel situation.

[Cadet]

GF what I am saying is the way I think he feels.
It has nothing to do with you.
He is depressed and in a fog.
Anotonia bascially has it right in what I was saying.

No I don't think the emotional ties will be cut but he may feel that way.
He just wants his pain to end.
He mistakenly thinks that you are the cause of it.
So when he gets rid of you he thinks his depression will end and his pain will go away.
That right now is giving him a lift.

He will find out that his pain will NOT go away even after he has divorced you.

At that point maybe he won't blame you anymore.
But I am mindreading here.