Had to start a new thread. Quick recap on situation, wife of 19 years gave me the I no longer have feelings for you speech November 2009. Spent the last year working on improving myself as a person, father and husband. Made alot of progress on improving myself but was not making any progress on rebuilding the relationship and found out my wife was having an EA.
I confronted her about it and advised that if she wanted a Divorce I would help her work through it, if not then we needed to focus on our marriage and family.
Currently waiting for her to make her decision. Interesting times to say the least. Had an interesting day with my wife yesterday. She wanted to cleanup things around the house re kids clothes and things in storage etc, something that she has been wanting to do for about 2 years. During the course of going through things she kept making comments like we can just buy a new one if we decide to go on a trip, we should keep that in case we ever have grandchildren, or I am going to work on going through that stuff next year. We actually had fun doing it and at one point she actually let down her emotional wall and joked with me about how I wasn't being much of a help with a particular task. Something she hasn't done in over a year. Left me with a small bit of hope that she may elect to stay.
Today was a different feel as she seemed depressed and down in the dumps. I didn't want to ask her what the issue was but it maybe the result of having to end her EA. Of course I am only guessing but I don't think she would be depressed if her decision was to go and be with the OM. I am not trying to read too much into her actions etc, just taking things day to day.
Punchy, keep it going my friend. Those are all great signs. It will get worse before it gets better. Especially if she has truly cut off her EA.
Fill the void she now feels by leaving her EA as best you can. Don't come on too strong (I need to take my own advice here). But be there emotionally for her as long as you feel that SHE is comfortable with it.
There is no harder work in the world!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Going slow is the plan so far. Just making sure that I am there for her and trying to help out as much as possible. I want her to see me as a steady support over a very hectic time of the year, someone she can count on and who is generous with his time and his support.
I want to make sure that I provide her with no negative thoughts that may sway her decision to the OM. I am spending extra time with the kids, her family and friends, all the things that the OM can't have access to. I want everyone including her to see that leaving our family would be a huge mistake.
Whether she chooses to stay or go is still her final decision, but I have a plan and a purpose, something that I know she doesn't have in place right now as she tries to deal with this through her emotional fog.
I have also developed a plan in case she does decide to leave. I have looked at our finances, living arrangements and custody options. Either way, I am ready to move forward and get on with a better life.
"Either way, I am ready to move forward and get on with a better life."
Way to go Punchy ! That's the spirit !
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
What pickle said. And have a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. This is actually a real opportunity. Try hard to relax with it so it's easy to be around you WHILE doing your "program". I know it's tough to tow the line, but you can do it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks everyone for your support. Had a nice Christmas Day with wife and family. Wife bought me some very nice gifts which was unexpected given current situation. She put some real thought into the gifts.
No word on where things are heading. She seemed pretty upbeat but who knows what's going on inside her. I am dieing inside but show nothing but positive behaviour on the outside. I guess we are both doing this strange dance with neither one of us sharing our real feelings with each other.
This time last year, I was thinking that was probably our last Christmas together but here we are a year later and still grinding away. The next couple of weeks are important as I must continue with my program no matter how rough I maybe feeling.
Can't say for sure if what you are doing is working, but it's not hurting things. So for now, keep it up buddy. You might be on to something. (( hugs ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Still no word from my wife on what her plans are re the OM. Have spent the last few days helping my wife run errands and doing things with the kids. She seems more interested in doing things together and is taking much more interest in the household. We are laughing and joking more which is great. She has always liked my sense of humour, and over the last couple of weeks I have felt more upbeat and have been letting this part of me come out more.
For the past two years she has done nothing around the house and has been totally disinterested in anything related to our home. Over the past few weeks she has taken a renewed interest in getting things organized and cleaning things up. She also continues to make comments about things in the future that include me. We have a vacation home that we would have to sell if we got divorced and she keeps referring to things that we can use there instead of giving it away.
Getting the OM out of the picture and getting her to stay would be two huge steps forward. This would enable me to keep up the DBing and show her that I can be the husband that she always wished for.
I'm sorry that I can't remember, but did you stop checking emails, etc., to see if the A had ended?
It sounds like your W went through depression when she wasn't interested in previous things (homemaking, etc.).
If the A has stopped, she may be slowly coming around. If it has stopped and she is still in the grieving process, then her moods will continue to swing back & forth.
You are doing what not many men are not willing to do, and that is to wait it out until the A ends. That is what MWD teaches.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have stopped checking her emails since I confronted her about the EA. I have checked her cell phone and there was only 1 call to the OM. I have no idea whether the affair has ended.
I do find it strange that she has not yet made a decision. If she is so unhappy with our marriage, OM is so wonderful and I have given her a green light to go then why is she still here?
She did tell me that she has been depressed and I found out that she has been on medication to treat it. There doesn't appear to be a lot of huge mood swings. I think she is very good at hiding her feelings from me and the rest of the family.
This waiting approach is a painful process. I really want to have a followup discussion with her to question status of the OM, but am not sire that this would be helpful.
