Hey, LL I wish that I could offer something to help you out...I have read your posts the last few days and you really seem to be digging deeper in your heart as to what you want and what you have...you and your h are still young..I look back on our 24 yrs together and I question if h and I really "love" each other, or if it became a habit, pattern..because we had 2 kids to raise...if our marriages were going along smoothly we would not have these thoughts, but our m are not going smooth, and I think most of us here on the board are having these same thoughts at one time or another.The question is when will we know if what we are doing or what we have accomplished is enough for us to be truly happy and fulfilled in the way we feel we deserve. I know i said it before, but your h has only been back for a short time..even though it seems like a long time, give yourself time to let your heart heal.. Sue
Quote: I know many people probably read my posts and think what an agry bitter little bitch she is...but that is not the real me. I am hurting always have been...
LL, I see a great revelation tonight in your post. You recognized your responsibilities. In addition, you showed that you really love your husband by your choice, since you still treat him well despite the betrayal you feel and out-of-love feelings of your own. It seems to me you figured out what is really important to you, and you are sticking to it...
Quoting lostlove: I just want to know that everything will be ok but no one ever does know do they.
LL, you are right. No one knows if that is true, since for a good part, that would depend on you. If you believe you would be okay, and you do everyting to make it happen, you will be. If you are on a self-destructive path, there is no one in the world that would be able to help you.
This is the same thoughts I always have to remind myself. It was you that told me that you would be all right, and that has been my aspiration. Believe or not, I have doubts too. All the time. But I can only try to convince myself, so I can act in a way that could help me achieve that "all right" goal.
I like hoping's advise. It takes time to heal your wound. It really does, no matter you get your M back or not. But, rest assured, knowing you and knowing the resilience and compassion in you for your DB effort,it is my belief you will be all right.
Hope your weekend is going well. Give your H a hug for his busy working with the snow supporting your family...
Yiu are truly an amazing woman. Not only are you a wonderful friend, a compassionate friend and a great advisor, you can also look deep in to your own heart and see it so clearly. You amaze me. I have so much respect for you. I know without a doubt that your life will be exactly as you want it to be.
Don't be so hard on yourself for doubting. We all do and we want this over now! You will succeed because you are LL and you are wonderful! And most of all I'm so glad you are my very dear friend.
I know why h is here..yes he loves me...he is here because he "this is where I need to be"
h doesn't want to be with me and you know what I don't care anymore...yes it hurts but why should I let it...honestly in the end it will be his loss...I know how to live and have real friendships and enjoy life to it's fullest..I appreciate people for who they are and I like life. H is just H...doesn't care much to know people other than on the surface and that is the way it is.
after spending 0 time with me all week and being out plowing yesterday and sleeping at his appartment last night then being out plowing today..h came home at 1 and let me know he'd be going out tonight with "buddie"
gee nice...I tried not to care or to show him that it hurt me but couldn't. I do care and it does hurt me. I have decided to sign off with h. will I go file for a d. no...will I kick him out? no... will I waist my time on him? no will I ask him to go out anywhere with me? no will I bother with him anymore? no
he can live here, help with the kids, and the house and go about his merry way. he can do his thing and I'll do mine. I'm about all done!!!!
bet h wont come home tonight as his appartment is closer to where they will be out and he no doubt will have a few and is already tired...was falling asleep on the couch before dinner.
I have been unhappy for more than 8 years with this r...it has not changed and will not change the only thing that has changed is we are now married and have children h will now participate in the family and accept invitations to go places with me. h has no interest in working on a r with me, no interest in talking to me, sharing anything with me and never has...that is why I do not believe this to be a mlc...it is simply the realization of the truth that I have known all along..that though h cares about me he does not love me the way a man should love a woman and that is that.
I have tried I have tried for many years...finally when I had reached a point of acceptance that this was just h's way because of his work..I was slapped in the face and told no h is not this way because of work h is this way because he doesn't love you the way a man should love a woman and he has found someone he does feel that way about intentional or not (though he admits to going back to her after we were married cause he missed that feeling and it was still there when he went back)
I don't care if h is still talking to her...I don't even care if h is sleeping with her...it's not as if he's sleeping with me with any regularity why the hell do you think my friends gave me that interesting b-day gift. "the bender" last sat at my request we did go out it was ok..did I feel close to h..no I felt like I was out on a date with a guy I don't know because that is the way it is. h did not initiate any physical contact when we got home and rejected me the next night when I tried...glad I have my bender. I don't want to waist my energy on this r any more. I am tired of feeling rejected and tired of waiting for him to come to me. I just want to be me..I don't want to play these games any more. if h doesn't want to be with me when I'm being me, then to hell with it.
don't think that I will waist any of your time anymore...there is no hope for this sit...the deal is h just didn't have the balls to file for a d...and just wants me to do it for him will I give him that satisfaction...maybe someday. for now I just don't care anymore!!!
Quoting lostlove: I have been unhappy for more than 8 years with this r...it has not changed and will not change
I have come to the same conclusion...which eplains why I haven't been here in a while!
Over the Xmas holidays, my wife and I spent sooooo much time together, but it opened my eyes in a way, I realized that i was happy, she was not...and i realized that i was happy because of me...not because of her. She does not make me happy, I make me happy...In fact, she adds an element of stress and chaos that i simply do not want nor need in my life at the moment!
As for exepting that things simply remain the way way they are at the moment (i.e. H staying with you or not, filing for divorce or not etc.), I do not necesarily think that is a good thing, but remember: Only YOU can judge what's best for you. You know your situation better than anyone...so you must make the decisions. You are ultimitaly responsible for your life . I KNOW that even if my wife told me tomorow that she wanted to come back to me...I would (at this point) say NO...I have made changes in me that I love, that make me feel good...she does not make me feel good and I would not be able to live with her the way she is at the moment (or the way she has been since the birth of our daughter)!
I know I have fought the good fight. Life is a journey...and it is the journey that is important, NOT the destination!
Until next time...if there is one...keep being YOU!
Love Steph
P.S. Thanks for ALL the help and support along the way!
My heart breaks for you. You were my inspiration. I know that in the end you will make the right decision for LL. I am here for you if you need a shoulder. God knows you have been here for me. Heading to NH soon. I'll give you a call. Until then be well my friend.
I didn't stay detached...didn't know how to stay detached and be in a r..didn't make much sense to me..but I know now that it is what I must do.
I cannot let what h does and doesn't do effect me I cannot let what h says and doesn't say effect me I cannot let h effect me
I must focus on myself and do things that make me happy and stop worrying about whether or not h is happy...h isn't complaing so why am I.
at a loss
lovingly distant I must be
I await the ramifications of my outbursts last night...h did come home...h did sleep in my bed? puzzling to me why he would crawl into my bed at 3am after all that I said to him but he did honestly I was shocked to see him there...so much so that I thought he was my son and as I went to cuddle him realized it was h. I don't know what to think of that so I wont think about it at all. in fact I intend to act as if and let him do or say what he wants.
ll, do you think you need to have a serious, no kids around talk with your h? You have alot of feelings building up and maybe he needs to hear them...really hear them, not just in passing or bits and pieces...maybe coffee out together...I feel sad by what you are feeling, you have done so many great things to change you...you deserve some answers or some sort of idea where your h is right now...we know that keeping things inside is not what a m should be. Maybe think about it...so you can constructivly present your feelings to him.. Take care SueS
. I KNOW that even if my wife told me tomorow that she wanted to come back to me...I would (at this point) say NO...I have made changes in me that I love, that make me feel good...she does not make me feel good and I would not be able to live with her the way she is at the moment (or the way she has been since the birth of our daughter)!