First post on these boards for me. I've been reading heavily here for the past few days and wish I knew about this site just a month earlier. I have ordered both DB and DR and they should come early next week. To the story...

I am 30 and my W is 27. We will be married 5 years in January and have been together 8. We met in college overseas and have had a blast together up until recently or so I thought.

About 2.5 months ago my wife drops the bombshell on me that she had a PA about 1.5 years ago and now has feelings for somebody else and doesn't love me like she used to. I'm not sure if it is important to note but the PA and the EA (not sure if technically an EA) are not the same person. When she told me I broke down and cried amidst all the shock. When I regained my senses I asked some questions and she would not tell me who either was. I also told her never to contact either again and she agreed.

I still prodded for a few days and was able to figure out who the PA was with and confronted her on it. She admitted it said it happened twice and has never contacted him again and is repulsed by the thought. I completely believe her on this.

Regarding the EA she still refused to say who it was and one night I demanded she tell me because I could not go on like this. I had no trust in her and no reason to believe she had ended contact with him. She finally broke down and told me who it was and as it turns out he had stopped responding to her and even defriended her from FB. She said it is probably because he saw what she was doing and was not onboard with it. I asked her if she had contacted him since and she said no. I periodically ask this every few days to her aggravation and she continues to say no. Few weeks go by and I just get the feeling that she hasn't been truthful on NC with OM. I did some snooping of phone records (I know I'm awful) and saw that she had been blitzing him texts since she told me and had never stopped trying to reach him. I finally confronted her on it and she admitted it to me. She couldn't say what she was trying to do or why she hadn't been trying to work on our M. She really resented that I checked up on her and I told her this was a matter of trust. I needed time to rebuild the trust. She did not agree with the 100% visibility into everything and wanted space.

During this time I didn't know about DB or DR and didn't think D was a part of her agenda so I worked hard to try and figure out the things that drove her away from me. She couldn't say what drove her to each guy so I did my best to think objectively and based on some her past feedback this is what I came up with:

1. Did not pay enough attention to her/not jealous enough - Before all of this I was the most unjealous type you could meet. My wife had my complete faith and I never thought once to question anything she did. Even when she mentioned that a guy had been hitting on her I just non-chalantly would laugh it off. In retrospect I should've been more "jealous" if you will because I ended up just showing that I didn't care. Truth was I cared very very much but I thought she would just take care of these things.
2. Not attentive in conversations - I'd been awful on this one. She'd be talking about her day or a something on her mind and I'd be off reading something on the laptop or playing on my ps3. I'd still be listening but clearly still doing my thing and not giving her my 100% attention. She even told me this and I don't know why but I never took it seriously and kept doing my thing. In retrospect what I did was extremely disrespectful and I've stopped doing it.
3. Always mad at her/she can't do anything right/always disappointing me - I'm not sure where this one came from actually but it's probably the more serious one. We rarely rarely ever got into arguments at all and there are a few times where I remember being truly angry at her but not consistently. I definitely was not disappointed in her either. I wish I could figure this out for me. I never wanted her or anybody to believe I'm disappointed in them.
4. I avoid conflicts at all costs - I'm super non-confrontational and I buckle easily.
5. Saying I'm ok with something I'm not ok with and then being angry about it when I go along with it - Again I'm trying to avoid conflict and end up looking like a pushover.

So the above things are what I analyze in myself and I take to reading hard and try to make the biggest most immediate changes possible. What really happens is I'm so needy to my wife and constantly all over her she feels like she is doing more wrong. During this time I'm also apologizing for everything I've ever done to which she tells me to stop she needs space. I do not give her space I keep trying and pushing harder and harder and make her more and more upset. I'm spending more time with her than ever and she is visibly liking it less and less.

Finally Monday 12/12 she drops the bomb on me that she wants a divorce and doesn't want to try anymore. I am devastated - by far the worst day of my life. I'm an emotional wreck and just sobbing to myself. I had also been laid off on Friday which did not help my state of mind. She consoled me for the rest of the night, was apologizing for everything but said she is done. Said she has felt more awful the last 3 months than ever in her life. Can't understand why I still love her and how I can forgive her. The guilt is just tearing her apart. After I get to my senses I demanded that she quit her kickboxing training. She is literally at the gym 3-4 hours a day and while not at the current gym both her affairs started at the gym. She hates me for making her quit because she loved kickboxing but it had become a major sticking point in our marriage because she wouldn't come home until 8:30 or 9:00 and we'd have no time together. Her reason had always been you know this is important to me. I should note I also think her relationship with her coach is getting to be inappropriate. They text a ton like 500+ messages a month and at all hours of the day.

So since Monday things have been really bizarre. We sleep in the same bed - still talk (only when she initiates) and still take yoga together. She actually signed us up for a year long yoga agreement this week. Emotionally she has been all over the place and I have no idea what to expect. Moments she's really chatty and playful and others she's a cold blooded reptile who looks like she could kill me. She baked us banana bread last night even. During this time I personally have completely laid off contacting her and make sure she initiates with me which she'll do a couple times a day. It's so strange at home we can have a normal conversation about our day go to sleep in the same bed as we always have yet be so distant.

I'm really at a loss here as to what I should be doing. I'm very active outside the home so I'm not so sure on what to add to GAL because I feel pretty good about my outside life. I hope there will be some further insight when the books come next week.

Side note - not sure if relevant. My wife had an awful childhood because of her mom. She strongly believed that her mom hated her and wasn't loved much as a child. She was also anorexic in high school and has a low opinion of how she looks today. She has always been beautiful and I've made an effort to always compliment her on this because of her esteem issues. The past few days I've stopped though because I think I read it looks like I'm pursuing her.

Any feedback on my rambling paragraphs is greatly appreciated because I just don't know what to do.