Learning while in holding - pattern

[beastiemanager]

It has been some time since I posted, so I started a new thread. I attended status conference last Wed in court. H was there. I do NOT like his lawyer. He did a good job at trying to belittle me.

I mustered up the courage though, and I gave a time-line on the last 2 years events to the Court Commissioner and H lawyer.. I had written it up explaining why I did not want a divorce but stated that I knew there was not anything I could do about it, I was being forced into it.

The lawyer sat up and told me he wasn't interested in the time-line and it had no bearing, and said H could write a a paper telling why he felt marriage was broken. He then told me the Commissioner was not interested in the paper. But she was busy reading it. Lol. And she took it with her when she left and was still reading it.

I was angry with myself a little as I started to cry out of frustration and said to all in room that somebody needed to know what our family has been through for the last 2 years. I was not writing to belittle Mr. H. I accepted he was divorcing me as I have no choice.

It wsn't much that happened. Just set another date for another conference in Feb. I am seeking legal help as I didn't like that lawyer. I don't trust him. I thought I could do it on my own, but I will not take the chance on H word that I would be taken care of financially and home-wise. He may agree to do that, but I don't know about that lawyer.

So I am glad I gave that paper. I would never have done that before the crisis. I spoke right out and never did that before. I guess I have grown!

H was strange before conference while waiting. For the first time in 2 years he made definite eye contact with me for a long time. Like searching for something in my eyes.. Huh...weird. My D25 was there and said there was something definitely different going on with him.

Thanks for listening

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Glad to listen beastie, and good idea on getting legal help.

The fact that he has a lawyer, and how the lawyer treated you should be all the reason you need to protect yourself by having one as well.

Ask around for a good one.

How are you doing, and what are you doing for yourself in the meantime?

You should also be proud of giving that time line to the Commissioner.

[beastiemanager]

Jack-three-beans,

Thank you Jack.
I found a couple names of lawyers today so sent an email to one of them and will call the other if I don't hear from the first one tomorrow.

I am doing ok. I get sad, really sad at times. But I am doing alright for the most part. I can't believe I am in this "place." I had always been of the mind I would celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary with my H. It was a long term goal I had in my mind. Now that is not a reality. It was taken from me. I had no choice in that decision. I will not get the chance to do that again. Not now at my age. But neither will my H.

As for what am I doing? I am painting a little again. Got into a terrible artist block with all of this, for the last few years. I am doing some knitting for gifts. I have been shoveling and snow blowing until the starter burned up on my snowblower a couple days ago. So work around home and outdoors keeps me really busy. Thank goodness I have a 4-wheeler with a plow for plowing snow. That sure helps. I have had a bout of feeling it is all hopeless. I am feeling a bit better with that.

I spend a lot of time with my grown D's 25/22. We do a lot together. I celebrated my birthday today with family. I have to admit a tiny part of me had hoped maybe I would get a text from H wishing me a happy birthday, but no expectations. And I didn't. So no heart break. But I was a bit sad. Thoughts of old days krept in.

And put up a Christmas tree and decorated that. Me and D's went out and cut a tree for ourselves. That was fun. It is a tradition. I do a lot of "spiritual" things. Work on myself, for myself. A lot of journaling, reading, practicing, meditating.

Thank you for the compliment. I am glad I gave that paper too. I felt stupid after court that day, but it passed. That was due to lawyer. And it was due to me allowing it.

I also have a lot of cats that are farm cats outside and a dog, so they keep me busy. And cats inside the house as well. I am never bored!

[AntoniaB]

I have lots of cats too, and 2 kittens right now (though they are 6 months old so not kittens for long) and they are really a comfort, aren't they? They offer love all the time. I think animals are wonderful helpers in our time of need, and we help them right back, which can give us focus.

I was struck by your comment "I can't believe I am in this place." I think all of us feel that way. It isn't just us. My sisters have said that they are in the middle of the work day and all of a sudden, stop and think, "oh my god I can't believe this is happening to my sister."

The reason they think it is that I had the marriage that everyone envied.

But you know, it's so hard, and I keep trying to tell myself, and maybe you can too, that you had something beautiful for a time, and now it's not that way, but it doesn't mean you're not a good person. It doesn't mean you will never be happy again. NO WAY.

Despite all of the trauma of the past several months for me, my reaching out to others has put me in situations where I have laughed. Laughed more than usual. And I've felt true connection with other people whom I'd have never had connections with before. That is all so important.

I applaud you for the steps you have taken to paint, to spend time with your grown children, to knit, to deal with your home things, to put up a tree. You have already shown strength by doing these very things. If you were weak, you'd have done NOTHING. But you didn't. You are already finding things to focus on and direct your energy towards, and that means that you have already become stronger than you might have thought you were.

(((((HUGS)))))

[beastiemanager]

AntoniaB
I have 2 kittens also and they are 7 months old! They sure
are a comfort. My kittens are female and a male. And the male is the biggest baby I have ever seen. We have to do cuddle time during the day, which is him laying underneath my chin and me rubbing his belly...he loves his momma. They are great friends. I have a dog too. She is great.

I think all of us feel that way. It isn't just us. My sisters have said that they are in the middle of the work day and all of a sudden, stop and think, "oh my god I can't believe this is happening to my sister."

My sister and her H were just talking about old times and us visiting in years past. And my b-i-l said that very same thing, that he can't believe this is happening that my H won't be there. He has been there for 30 years....

I also had a great marriage. I heard the very same thing as you, that peple had envied our relationship.

But you know, it's so hard, and I keep trying to tell myself, and maybe you can too, that you had something beautiful for a time, and now it's not that way, but it doesn't mean you're not a good person. It doesn't mean you will never be happy again. NO WAY

Thank you for this thought. It helps.

It is neat how similar our situations are...I also have changed in how I relate to other people. It was an area that I didn't realize needed improving on so much. But I discovered I did have issues to change or improve. I am more patient now and I am more extraverted when talking to others. I was stand-offish before and shy. Now I make conversation.

Thank you Antonia, for your kind words and thoughts.