We need a group of therapists....if this works out

[Just about 40]

Me39, W38, D9, M10yrs, ILYBNILWY-1month ago, still living together, still in same bed, W is very distant and told me not to "expect too much" right now. apparently "waiting to see how we are after the holidays". But right now I am in more pain and hurt than I have ever experienced. Obviously. She might be too, but I have not been allowed to be a comforter as hoped for a long long time. W is withdrawn, angry, depressed, working out a lot now, trying to feel better about herself she says, wearing nicer clothes. She doesnt feel good about herself and hasnt for a long time she says. A long time ago I was so much more to her and in her eyes, Shes gone from a hundred pounds heavier and then lost it and then gained it again, and this has of course affected her, but has never, ever stopped me from expressing attention and affection towards her. but these days I feel like a chore, an additional load of laundry requiring the resentful washing. and resentful it has been.
For what seems like years now, I have noticed the affectionate side of my wife drastically reduced. Although there were times when she would be 100%different, to my amazement by those times after so long of periods of lulls (making me depressed and angry, etc). Then, it would sink slowly back to little or nothing. I can count on one hand the number of times intimacy occurred over the last year, and the same for the prior 2-5 years.
Disucssing it with her led to her justifying it with "thats just how i am", and "you have no right to expect more than I am wanting to give" (again, justified with her saying she just isnt the initiating type) We have a D9, and I got the ILYBNILWY talk, the (ur like a brother/friend) and how shes so confused, and unhappy. She even mentioned she thought she was having a MLC. When the W bought her notebook computer, thanks to myspace, Facebook, and games, she became addicted. Every night and every weekend spend hours sitting behind it. then she got the Iphone and alll its various apps and games. Along with AOL instant messenger. she was plugged in constantly. She has single girlfriends and married girlfriends who go out and sometimes act in ways that seem inappropriate and disrespectful of a marriage, if anything, just not very "married" like. Perhaps I am a lot more conservative or just plain jealous regarding actions and words, but they all have single male friends and sometimes when out around everybody, I see a lot of things that I myself probably would have difficulty thinking was at least, thoughtful. for a couple yrs now my wife has taken up going to a particular sporting event, and bought season tickets, the last 2yrs in a row. She goes with any one of her gf's and they take pictures and all so I know she is there with them. She enjoys it, and I was happy to go the first few times she went, was happy she had a thing to do outside of work. For several yrs I had a hobby that had me going out twice to three times a week and left her at home with the D. she spoke and acted supportive of it, but it was wearing her down. Ultimately this hobby wasnt fun for me either and ended up costing too much as we were having hard times financially. This financial issue was one that was always troublesome too. I begged for years to focus on getting out of debt, she makes more than I do, but I still contribute to the household almost as equally if she werent to proceed to spend further herself on things like additional groceries. We entered marriage with individual debt, but worked out a way to handle the household needs, and keep the individual debt to our own handling. Over the 10 yrs of marriage, we've had joint loans come and go, but whilst two people were out spending their own money frivolously, we both got further into debt. I finally broke down and decided to try to pay off mine completely, but its been very hard. Tires for the car, furnace breaking, new a/c, things just popped up that threw me back into the debt pit. With her, she is able to take loans from her retirement, so she ended up in a cycle where she would rack up several cards to near overlimit, take a loan out of her retirement, pay everything off, and then be right back where she was the next year. I almost bankrupted myself going to the dentist, and still need costly work done, but have no way to do it or pay for it.
So a lot o fthis has been difficult and depressing for me too. (it appears I have gotten too long on this post, its acting funny so I shall continue below.

[Just about 40]

Well, so here I am a few months later. I have found out that there was another man. A "Friend" from highschool that she used to date, and to me appears to be "the" shell around the emotional side of her. As if it were kept on a dusty silver platter in the back of the shelf awaiting his approach to her. I found out about it by her Iphone lighting up one night while I was close to it and me seeing the string of messages all romantic expressing a desire to get together "again". I dont know how long it has gone on, but her cell phone shows his as the only birthday out of everyone she knows on her calendar. I have since told her I wanted to work on this, and she seems to as well, but is also going thru a MLC, with working out, getting new tattoos, new piercings, just seeming to want to recapture her teen-hood. A slew of single girlfriends dont really help the matter much. She seems unhappy with me still. I get little crumbs that seem to brighten my whole day, but then lay awake at night wondering if he is calling her at work, or emailing her. Has this just been stuck even further undercover? Has she really "deleted his number" or decided to end contact? He is still on her facebook page as a friend, all of his posts on her pictures are still there. She posts her glamour shots on facebook seemingly to desire attention from single male friends, who are certainly complimentary. I post that I like one of the pictures and she gets angry at me saying its as if I were in a pissing contest with the rest of the guys posting there. She seems unhappy around me, but when we go out with friends, she runs into other guys and is beaming with happiness, close and hangy all over them. but not with me. We still havent had an intimate life, going on 4 years now. I left for 3 days over new years after just finding out about the EA. It just about crushed my D9, who made me sign a picture contract to promise to stay there and not leave again. Broke my heart.

My wife just seems completely disinterested in me, hasnt said or offered any line for me to get closer to her. She doesnt understand flirtation with other men and how it affects us at this point. I sound insecure and having no self esteem, but thats all surface first response stuff. I am talking about being on the verge of leaving for good, and thats where I am. Looking for some sign that we might work out, but being crushed at every few steps. We went out to dinner the other night with friends, and theres this one particular party guy that everyone knows and gets along with, including me. Not her normal type at all, but within the past few months shes suddenly giddy around him. We were sitting at a table and another friend took out her camera and my wife immediately leans towards him to take a picture with. I was sitting on the other side right next to her. Her friend then gestured for her to lean towards me and take a picture with me which she obliged, but by then i felt like second place.

I am not a fan of tattoos. She wants me to design one for her on her back. How can she want something so permanent when theres no sign of permanence for "us"? I am supposed to use symbols for faith, and hope, and peace, and love, when none of those seem to be remotely available within her. She rushes to the side of single men she hasnt seen in 20 years who were high school friends, but seems to cringe when she hugs me.

this is my continuing story. I see I havent had any responses from anything above probably because of its longwindedness and singluar paragraph. But I could go on.

[dbmod]

^

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well if you want an in-road, what does it hurt you to design at least on paper her back tatoo?
Despite the overwhelming irony in her choice of symbols.

[sparks14]

I am just learning as well, but I have received a ton of great advice on this site. I discovered my W's 10 month affair last month. It has been really difficult to get through, but the knowledge on this site, and the Divorce Remedy book have really helped me with tactics to save my marriage.

For me detachment and GAL are the two keys point in my life.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Start exercising. Get a new hobby. Do fun things that don't include her. At the same time, detach from the emotional and relationship talk for a while. Don't send her texts throughout your day or call to often. Don't tell her that you love her.

180 also helped me a ton. I have learned more about myself, my ability to love, and healthy relationships in the last two months than in my 32 years. I read and studied and listened. My behaviors have changed drastically, and my W has noticed them. She told me in front of our couples therapist that she resented them. Not because she didn't love me back and want to be treated that way. She resented them, because where were they for the last 5 years. She thought I had just bottled them up. I can handle that. I really don't know what she needed, because we didn't communicate well. I just happen to hit on the right behaviors.

You have hope, man. Just go through the stories on this site. Catch up with our situations and leave your thoughts. I found this site to be very helpful, but I have also found that you have to be active on other posts for others to post on yours. Either that, or I am way too long winded as well.

[MrBond]

Have you read DB or DR? Sorry that you find yourself here. Don't get discouraged if you don't get responses to your posts right away. There are alot of hurt people on here.

Don't give up. Learn from others who have walked in your shoes.

So has your W wanted to talk about the R at all?