The DB site has been SUCH a huge influence on me as I've experienced my STBXH's MLC. Sometimes I don't know what I'd have done w/o this info.
I've been (pretty cleanly) separated from H for 10 months when I asked him not to come home on dday. I've know for a while that I'd probably file for D early next year. I told my ex this today. I am admittedly overwhelmed a bit by all my emotions about this. But I know it is the right "next step" and is happening on what feels like the right time frame.
I guess this is a pretty boring thread--all I'm trying to say is I just moved to this board, I'm hoping to learn as much here as I did on the others, and BEST OF LUCK TO US ALL!
AMG
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Oh and hoping/planning to avoid "rebound guy". Wow that's the last thing I need!
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Welcome to the "other side". Sounds like you are turning a corner. Remember that you don't "HAVE" to get divorced. make sure it is what YOU really want. My lawyer told me it was important to get a financial agreement but the divorce is really just a piece of paper. It is so true. BUT...
I really did move forward faster once I got the divorce. For me - that was the finality I needed.
Don't worry about a Rebound guy just yet. Take time to heal yourself before you think about someone new. Find yourself again. learn to enjoy being single. Remember the things you loved before you met your husband. Activities. Hobbies. Whatever - make sure you find joy. Get your groove back.
Good luck and there are many here who can help you as you go through your recovery.
Thanks Barb. It's really a choice of evils for me. I'm 37, no kids, good job, good family. If I were at a different point in my life, I might have chosen to "wait out" the MLC. BUT, this wasn't the first "indiscretion"...by far not. My story sounds like a move and had elements I can't even discuss b/c of potential job loss, etc. As I said I've been separated for 10 months. Really doing a lot, keeping busy, making and reconnecting with friends. I've also taken up running which is something I didn't do previously b/c stbx had a bad back and wasn't "allowed" to. I had planned to give myself a reprieve from thinking about any BS over the holidays and rest up for filing at the beginning of the new year. HOWEVER, somehow decided to drop what I call the "d bomb" tonight via text. Now doing this by text might sound questionable, but given my ex's inability to step up and talk about ANYTHING, I felt little need to "do the right thing". I don't really know what he does, I don't investigate and haven't for about 7 months. The d day "indiscretions" were not LTRs that I'm aware of. He has really never "shown up" in our marriage, and continues this now. Without me telling him what to do he does...nothing. So he has told friends that he's surprised I haven't yet filed, but we don't talk. I don't care to hear any of what he has to say. It's meaningless. I don't think he has a GF (could be wrong) but he has done so much crazy BS as part of his MLC, and he needs someone to blame and that someone is ME.
So I've recognized for a while that he can't be dealt with. And I certainly don't take this decision lightly. And until I've actually filed I guess it's not official. BUT, I'm certainly not looking for a rise out of him with this or anything. I really just accept defeat, recognize an unworkable situation, enjoy myself and my freedom, and think this is the right thing to do soon. I am going to discuss all of this further with my church, but that discussion won't change the outcome of the impending D.
It feels refreshing to be here with others in my situation. Thank you.
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Hi AMG! Like Sunforone, I moved faster in the detaching process once the divorce was filed by exH and then once it was final.
No kids? Many of us have said "if we didn't have kids, we would have pushed the divorce through." I don't know if I would have held to that or not, but I do know that my initial reaction was to divorce him when he said he wanted to be with OW (duh). However, I retracted that statement and never initiated any divorce talk. They say to wait until "you know" before doing anything.
It sounds like "you know." The other good thing is that you know that filing is just a step and doesn't mean anything else has to happen.
So how much have you GALed? How much communication have you had with your H? Are you sure he is not having an A? How long were you married/together?
I am not trying to talk you out of anything; just getting some background info.
VERY WISE to not look for a rebound guy unless you wanted to date casually with no long term potential. I couldn't do it until exH served me with D papers but I did post an online profile "just to see" about a year post separation. Not telling you to do this...just saying it happens. I notice a lot of us divorcees going through some common phases.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hello all, I love the humor here. Not that it's a funny situation, at all. I use humor so much to get through this that I've been asked more than once if I have a boyfriend (which I don't and never did). I love Soleil's tag line "Got a ticket to the D concert". I figure I'm getting ready to buy my ticket for a ride on the "D Train".
Newmama, I remember you from the other boards back in Feb-March of 2010 when I was new to this. Yeah I'm not sure about this kids thing...but I can definitely say that I CAN'T imagine doing it with kids OR having to see your ex on a regular basis. That really might be a whole different story for me. I have GALed a lot. Lot lot. But I think with the weather turning cold and maybe the holidays (not sure on that one) and approaching the one year mark, it's just a natural progression to move on legally. Most of me has already moved on emotionally. My stbx wanted to be "bud's" by going to dinner, etc. which I cut off back in Sept. by telling him I only wanted to talk business as long as he was behaving inappropriately as a H. Of course what he told people is I wouldn't talk to him anymore. He's very much a victim, and will be even more so with this D. I'm not SURE about anything to do w him as far as OP. I do know that on this most recent d day he was 1)caught having some sort of text/cell/probably physical rel w someone he met through work. 2)Having an inappropriate texting rel w a minor (I believe it wasn't sexual) and 3) injecting steroids. I stopped investigating or asking questions about 7 months ago so I don't know what he does. It has never been the textbook "She makes me happy, I'm leaving" situation. When I told him not to come home from work on d day he kept says "you mean, don't come to the house? Don't come home?" as if he didn't understand. He acted so bizarre that there's just no way of knowing. He has never said he wants a D, he still wants to attend my family functions (which I've cut out even though our families are VERY close). In short I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a GF and if he does it's not a real relationship, and he's in a corner that he doesn't know how to get out of, he knows he's f'd with me, he loves to be the victim, so he blames me/our marriage for his poor choices and then he does NOTHING.
I haven't heard back from the d bomb text. I didn't think I would. In nearly a year he's had almost nothing to say, in either direction, about anything. He's paralyzed. It's sad really. Hopefully he'll figure it out for himself at some point. I'm not expecting (crossed fingers) any problems with him over finances, etc in the D. Only problem could be that he doesn't seem to understand that he'll have to take ALL of his things and find a place to put them, that I'm not going to keep anything here.
I haven't figured out how to put this on my profile, but: M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
As I type this I can't believe I wasn't here sooner.
THANK YOU
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
AS for putting that in your profile, go to "My Stuff" and add it to your signature. there are so many spaces allowed but keep playing with it.
Divorce is not fun by any means. I would say if it weren't for my kids I would have kicked him to the curb the moment he even hinted at his affair. He had cheated on me very early on in our marriage. Best advice I can give is picture the life you want and then figure out the steps to get there. Then don't expect to get there overnight.
Take the time to heal and really find yourself. Evaluate how you contributed to the issues in your marriage and how you might deal with those things differently in the future.
Hope we all can help.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Get tested for STDs. Seriously. Re: the inappropriate relationship with a minor - yuck! You were right to cut it off w/ him if he was not behaving husbandly and still wanting to carry on a "friendship." I am dealt with that in my own sitch and it's annoying as hell. When do you plan to file? Also, regarding D, expect the worst. I know you say that you don't anticipate any problems re: finances but trust me, you NEVER know someone til you D them. I never ever imagined some of ths tuff that's gone on with mine would ever happen (i.e. him suing me for mortgage when he makes way more $ than I do -hahaha) so I am just issuing that as a caution-- gear up for battle.
Take the time to heal and really find yourself. Evaluate how you contributed to the issues in your marriage and how you might deal with those things differently in the future.
Agreed. Are you seeing an IC? I can relate to you in that I'm divorcing sans children, btw.
