This is going to be long, not sure where to even start? Sorry. I have been Married for 3 years. When I met my W she was drinking everyday. I was addicted to pain meds. We jumped right in a Relationship and got married within two months. She stopped drinking except to run off to her hometown every few months to go on a 3-4 day binge, but always came back home.
In June her best friend died. She went back to her hometown and started drinking everyday. She used my addiction to pain meds as a reason to leave the marriage. I got help and haven't used anything for 6 months now. While she is drinking everday. She also reconnected with her EH who also drinks. She was living with him for awhile. I think they are living together again now? it is more for emotinial supportt. I think.
We started seeing each other on weekends around the middle of July. We had great times together and nothing bad. She kept telling me dates she would move back home, but never followed through. In September she actually brought summer clothes back to the house, put in a two week notice at her job and assured me she would be home in two weeks. than she called and said she needed more time, and if I couldn't deal with that to just leave her alone.
I hate to admit it but I lost my cool. Told her I was sick of her broken promises and to just keep her alcohol, friends, and do whatever. We haven't talked on the phone since than. We had emails and I did EVERYTHING I shouldn't have. Pleaded, begged, sent email after email. reminded her of all the good times. Blamed her, like I said, did everything I shouldn't have.
I got Michelles book DR and I have tried to put the principles into practice, as hard as that has been for me. Recently we started emailing again. I find it extremely difficult to not run with the emails.
The situation has me so messed up. One day I am thinking D the next day I am not. I have already threatened D, started getting prepared for it, and deceided it wasn't what I really wanted. Now, I know she doesn't beleive anything I say. Especially when it comes to D because of my empty threat.
The other day without me mentioning anything about our M she sent me an email saying "she misses me, she misses me everday, and she guesses moving on with her life would be easier if she didn't. That nothing was fun, and she didn't look forward to anything" She had me blocked on her cell Phone and I tried to call, and seen that she took the block off, but hasn't answered the 2 calls I made in the past week. I think I shouldn't call and wonder why she even took the block off? I don't understand why she wouldn't want to see me if she "misses me so much"
I just don't know, I really don't. I know I have been verbally abusive at times (when we would argue) I haven't been very open to communication. And I blame my addiction on alot of that. I have been accusatory too. I have really been trying to get myself together. I see a C. I attend church regularly. I have been trying to focus on me. But its hard too. I miss her tremendously. I don't even know what to do anymore. I really don't. It doesn't seem like she appreciates any of my efforts.
I'd like to add that she has a lawyer in her family. It would be very easy for her to get a divorce. Frankly, I don't know why she doesn't. He would be happy to do it. She tells me she doesn't have herself together enough to make decisions like that, and the only time she even thinks about D is when I brought it up.
I find any communication with her leaving me more frustrated (through emails only) but wanting more in spite of this. I love her and I am not even sure why sometimes. I really am messed up over this. There are D/S classes at a local church but I haven't started because of weather conditions here (snow) I know this is difficult because of addiction issues and I have tried to post on addiction sites but they don't care about the marriage aspect...so it does no good. I don't even know what my next move should be? I guess the LRT? I am so messed up over this.
