My wife and I have had some rough times as of late including a 2-3 month EA by her with a co-worker. Now it's not as bad as some of the EA's I've read about here (it was mainly confined to work hours [They really didn't work together except for a few hours one day a week], and mainly expressed in the context of emails. No L word was ever used by either party) but it was still an EA.
Now my wife and I are working on things. She has agreed not to divorce and to work on M with MC. She is still very angry with me and acknowledge that we need to take things really slow. Last night we had an R talk, for the first time she acknowledged that it was an EA. Before she always said that "it was couple of emails," or that "they were just friends," the typical excuses. do you think this is a significant step? She said she doesn't want to give it more importance than it was i.e. she says it was diversion from her home life, but doesn't think it reflect that she never loved me or the marriage was a mistake, etc. Do you think by calling it an EA it gives it more importance or is it really not relevant? Love to hear your thoughts.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
An EA (especially to a woman) is more important than a PA. There may have been something that the OM provided for her emotionally that she felt she wasn't getting from you. See if she'll tell you. Was it excitement? Validation? A boost to her self-esteem? etc.
Look at several books about affairs such as the "not just friends" book and DR and it'll give you an understanding of how important it is to address this.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks. I have a good idea why it happened. (I don't think it happened because she just fell out of love with me and in love with the OM) We have touched on it. I understand it doesn't really matter what you call it, but how you address it.
My question was actually more specific. Is it important that she see it as an EA rather than "just some emails?" It's easier to dismiss in her mind if it was "just some emails" by her admitting it was there was an emotional component makes it harder to dismiss. however, in the long run it is important for her to see it for what it was in order to address it.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
It's important to see it as an EA because all affairs start off as something small like "just some emails". Be sure your W does not dismiss the importance of this. Which is why affair books like "After the Affair" are important.
Hopefully if she understands what it is, she'll be aware of not letting it happen again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think it's absolutely critical that the partner who had an EA be able to identify it as such. My H spent months insisting he and his EA were "just friends" and all other possible minimizations--but as long as he was in denial, he couldn't address why it happened, how to get past it, and any emotional impact it had had on me.
He managed for some time to polarize his thoughts: PAs were despicable, whereas EAs could not be considered affairs (and by extension, could not impact the marriage in the same way). For him to recognize that he'd actually had an affair was a huge step towards being able to rebuild. I feel that until the emotional component has been admitted to, it's not possible for the partner having the EA to turn his/her emotions back towards the spouse.
