Scared and Alone

[lostinscared]

It’s so weird, I feel like if I don’t commit this to paper, that none of this is happening. Delusional, I know. 2 months ago my husband informed me that he was not happy and that he was wondering if we would be happier if we separated. (Translation: he would be happier if we separated).

It has been a very stressful year for us. The company we both worked for was bought out. Both of us were offered jobs in another city and he wanted to go, but I didn’t. He made the decision to go and for the sake of “us,” I went as well. Long story short, the last year has been a nightmare. While he has been thriving in his new position, I have not. Work has been going horribly for me. I want to find another position and have been looking, but the job market is very tough and given that we are paying for two mortgages (unable to sell our first house and renting it for a significant monthly loss), I cannot really take much of a pay reduction.

The work issues led to me becoming very depressed, negative and blaming him for the situation. I reminded him constantly that the move was his idea and that I didn’t want to go. I felt lonely because I missed my friends, my family, my old home and frankly, my old job (where I had practically grown up). When we moved, all of our “rituals” seemed to go by the wayside. We didn’t spend any time alone and he often made plans without me. I spun into a further abyss of loneliness.
Things had gotten a bit better with me as we moved into the fall. But one day, he dropped on me that maybe we would be happier apart. I blew up. I mean I scared myself with the visceral reaction that I had. There were two occasions that I had this reaction and twice accused him of having EA or PA which he fervently denied. Since that time, he has said that he is pretty sure that he cannot forgive me for the accusations or for the last year in which I made him miserable and that he has lost hope for us. He maintains that he needs some space and that he is not ready to commit to fixing our marriage nor is he prepared to leave yet. He says that he loves me and that it hurts him to tell me these things but that is the way that he feels.

I have read DB and try desperately to adhere to the concepts of the book and realize my mistakes and am so very sorry for them. I must admit that I have failed on several occasions to adhere to the concepts and as if MWD was some sort of psychic, those failures were met with bad reactions.

I am trying to become more involved with other things. Signed up for cooking classes, going to the movies with friends, working out and generally trying to make myself scarce, BUT IT IS SO HARD. I constantly want to do a relationship checkup. I am angry that he has used separation as his first answer to our relationship problems rather than wanting to go to counseling. I find myself falling deeper and deeper into an abyss. I cannot handle the emotional, physical, sexual abandonment that I am feeling. I feel each day is getting worse and as hard as I try, I feel everything slipping closer and closer to the edge. The desperation I feel is further exasperated by the fact that I know based on everything I have read, that if I give up hope, we are done. But I find each day, it gets harder and harder to hold on to hope. I just don’t know how to handle the feelings and I need help.

I am 38, he’s 40. We’ve been together 11 years and married 3 years.

I would really appreciate the advice of those far wiser than I am in this situation.

[SDFoundGirl]

Would he be willing to go to MC during the separation? Also, do you have any kids?

Your sitch sounds a lot like mine was. We had an in-house separation, H had a one-sided EA that he hid...badly, we had just moved to a new state and I knew no one, dealt with depression/anxiety, and H told me he didn't know if he could ever have feelings for me again because I'd hurt him too much over the years.

We went to weekly MC during our sitch and for probably 2 years afterwards. However, other than that, I steered clear of him. I got really busy, and if he came upstairs to watch TV, I went into my bedroom to read, surf, or watch a movie. I made sure to be out of the house when he came home from work quite often, and I forced myself to move past my social anxiety to meet new people through Meetup groups. I also was in IC for myself, and that kept me sane.

Believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Yes, this is hard, but you can do it.

Institute a 48-hour rule on anything you want to do or say to H...if, in 48 hours after you are calmed down and not emotional it's still the right thing to do, then do it. Usually it's not.

You have to get to a place where you know you'll be okay no matter which way your sitch turns out. You PREFER to reconcile with H, but you know that you'll be okay if it doesn't work out. This takes time and working on YOU.

If you find yourself getting anxious or emotional or overly-dwelling on your sitch, GET BUSY. It doesn't matter with what. If you stay in that spot, you'll just do something you'll regret later.

Your H is a roommate, an acquaintance right now. Polite detachment is the rule. You are easy, breezy, and calm. Fake it until you make it. When my sitch was going on, I'd get up and make myself breakfast, hum, grab a book, and look oh-so-happy as H got ready to go to work (it was during summer, and I'm off). I stopped crying in front of him or giving him any hint how torn up I was. Once he left, if I needed to cry, I did, and I set a 10-minute time limit. Then I got up and got busy with something.

I look back at that summer as one of the happiest of my entire life. I found myself, and I know without a doubt that *I* am responsible for my happiness, and I will be okay with our without H. Without reaching that point, I think reconciling and building a better marriage would have been impossible.

Get yourself busy. Find happiness. Your H cannot make you happy, only YOU can do that. Get to work on yourself, and give your H space. It feels counterintuitive, but it's the right thing to do.

Hang in there!

SD

[Sad_but_happy]

I know how you are feeling Lost...

It hurts, BAD! I feel it too as my W told me about a month ago, "we are no longer a couple." this after 21 years together... Remember that your husband is not your husband right now. He is someone you don't know. In fact, if you met him today as he is now you would think he's a creep, right?

This is hard but you WILL get through this. We all will!

Remember that a happy ending does not mean staying married. A happy ending is a happy life. And only you can provide yourself with a happy life. With or without him. YOU control your life, he does not.

I understand the fear. I have to too. But remember this...

"The person that cares the least has the most control."

Try and relax, fake being happy, go out (even to a movie by yourself, I've done it twice). He will respond. My W accused me of an A the two times I went out. Any reaction is good. It means that their thinking about things. Keep him guessing and off balance. It does work. Once you get your self-esteem back it will be him that has the fear (fear of losing you) and then you will start to rebuild.

And if he does not change his mind, YOU will be in a better place for YOU!

[lostinscared]

SD-

First, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me! You are right, our situations sound frighteningly similar.

No kids. He says he is thinking about MC. He's been thinking for 2 months and says that he is not comfortable talking to strangers. I have not reached out to arrange IC, but I realize more and more each day I should. I just don't want him to know about it because I don't want him to think that I am struggling as much as I am.

I realize that I do need to get busier. I'm obsessed with this situation and can barely function. I go out and do things, but at this point its just mechanics. I just am having such difficulty detaching. Your story, though, has given me hope that even in my situation, I have a chance of finding my new normal.

I am particularly intrigued that you looked at that summer as one of your best. How can that be? Also, how did you forgive? One of the bigger things that I am scared about is that if he does change his mind, I will be unable to trust him again. I really am so dumbfounded that we went straight to talks about separation and divorce and not stopped at "I have a problem and we need to work on this." I really feel like a boundary was crossed that should have never been. Now I know not to say that to him again (wish I had DB before I opened my big fat mouth the first time), but I really want to know how people deal with that. I don't mean to sound innocent as I clearly am the one who started the issues. It's just one of those things I think about...

Anyway, thanks so much for the much needed advice. I really do have some work to do on myself. I really do need to find my place in this new world I've found myself in.

LIS

[lostinscared]

SBH -

Thanks for the pep talk and I know you have such great advice!

I have been reading about your situation for a week now. I am so sorry! But really I had to chuckle about the A accusations. These WAS's are absolutely crazy sometimes. You really hit the nail on the head when you said that if we met them on the street, we would think they are creeps. The behavior is stunning. I wish more of them cared enough to step onto this site in order to see the destruction they are perpetuating.

Going to the movies by myself??? Now, that is funny! Maybe I should do it just to prove to myself that I am actually capable. I won't even go to McDonald's by myself! hahahaa..

Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me! Your words mean a lot.

[SDFoundGirl]

I'm going to paste in a post by JenJam, a successful DB'er who helped me when I first got here and was stuck in a pity party and all freaked out. It's good stuff, and it helped me a lot. Hang in there...this is tough, but if you do the work, there are beautiful gifts to be had from the situation.

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 965
Loc: Surrey, UK
OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example.
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
_________________________
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005
Seperated Sept and Oct 2005
H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad
May 2006 - found this site
Oct 2006 - H recomitted
April 2007 - I began to feel normal again

[lostinscared]

SD -

What absolutely awesome advice! Thank you for taking the time to find that!

Each day is certainly interesting and brings its own challenges. Never in all the years have we been together has he not kissed me goodbye even through all the drama. Today he walked out without kissing me. It seems that he keeps trying to up the ante on his complete coldness. Some days I really feel sorry for him. I know that sounds crazy, but it just seems like so much work to hold all of that resentment and unforgiveness. He's normally just the opposite. Last night he went out for drinks with people from work. One of whom is a guy who spent a year trying to destroy H's reputation at work. All is well with that guy. But me? His wife? Well, I get the bitterness. It just isn't right. But beyond that, it really seems he expends a lot of energy trying to figure out new ways to make sure I know he's miserable around me. Just seems like a lot of work and at the end of the day, I can't imagine he feels good about himself.

I need to get out this weekend. I got invited out. Problem is that I am battling a major cold and am barely keeping my head up at work. Ugh...

Have a great day all of you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

LIS

[lostinscared]

Where do my messages go? I've responded to these incredibly helpful answers I have received, but I've not yet seen them post?

[lostinscared]

Well all the advice is good, but its hard, hard, hard. We had another blowup after New Year's because I just can't keep my mouth shut! Of course, he says that he is thinking about divorce and sometimes feels like he's not in love with me anymore. He has lost A LOT of weight and drinking more than ever. Not getting drunk, but drinking. I am pretty sure he's at least got an EA going on. I can account for most of his time so I really do not think that it is a PA. We work together at the same company so I really am aware of his time.

This week has been tough because usually we eat lunch together and take smoke breaks together. He has made an excuse not to eat everyday and then takes his smoke breaks with someone else. I spent the week trying to pull my head out of my rear end and have just smiled and kept a good attitude. 3 different people in the office said I was glowing this week! That made me laugh. On Friday, he actually invited me to lunch with someone else. I guess that is a step.

He's very cold and distant, though. Doesn't want me to do anything for him. Doesn't want to come near me or be near me. He's not angry, just avoiding. Of course, because I've had such trouble CONSISTENTLY keeping my mouth shut, I understand his reactions.

What do people do? When the emotions become too much, what do you do to stop doing what you know is wrong????

[sandi2]

The title of your thread got my attention b/c it sounds so sad. But I'm wondering if you aren't a lot stronger than it sounds in that title.

What do people do? When the emotions become too much, what do you do to stop doing what you know is wrong????

Well, nobody has control over you but yourself. I know, I KNOW how hard it is to keep the mouth shut....but when we learn to control the tongue, then we can set about doing bigger things.

Coming here to the board every day and posting or reading other threads will give you guidance and strength. If you don't post very often, people have a tendency to get discouraged or think you've left the board.

When your emotions get too much to handle, you need to take a break from what is causing it. Maybe you need to take a weekend away or be around people who love and appreciate you.

I'm attaching a list of immediate DO'S AND DON'TS for the M that is in trouble. I hope will give you some ideas in what to do in your R.

Here you go:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.