So far, so good; That being said, I still need to initiate a discussion with my W about my past behavior to ensure that she doesn't think that I'm just trying to sweep things under the rug.
No worries at this time and I feel cautiously optimistic that I can keep our discussions on the right track.
My W and I spent most of the day painting our rental unit and then had friends over late in the evening for a bottle of wine and to get our weekly fix of HBO. While watching TV, I looked over at my W and could see the expression on her face begin to change.
By the end of the program, her mood had shifted and I could sense that something was on her mind. After our friends left, I asked my W what was bothering her. She said she didn’t like my tone and wouldn’t give me a definitive answer. I pressed a bit more, which led my W to remind me about what my counsellor had said about stopping a situation before it spiralled out of control. Our conversation ended on a sour note after my W had asked me at least twice to stop pressing her (I should have listened the first time).
There is a common theme that runs throughout my thread. Initiating a conversation with my W when either of us is tired does not turn out well. It would have been much easier to have just told her how much I love her and to let her feel her emotions, good or bad, in peace.
In the end, we both went to sleep without saying a word. I woke up at 4 AM feeling like crap, and here we are; not a good feeling.
Sorry I missed your post. I hope things are well with you also. If you read my last post, you'll see that I'm still having an issue knowing when to stop and how to react/not react to my W's non-verbal cues.
During conversations with my W, I have a real need to respond/confront instead of listen/reassure. I'm sure I come across in a really direct, abrupt manner, which does nothing to reassure my W that she’s making the right choice by staying in the relationship.
This morning my W and I talked about what triggered her to shut down when we were watching TV last night. Our discussion was going well, but then I decided to stray off topic which opened a big can of worms that led to a new discussion about unrelated issues. This led to another heated exchange where I proceeded to take three steps backward, after gaining a bit of forward momentum.
This may seem like a stupid request, but I’m looking for advice on how best to stay on topic when discussing issues with a spouse who is really hurt.
I’d also like your advice on what to say when you’ve hurt someone repeatedly…….besides sorry. I’ve said sorry so much, it has no meaning.
I guess actions speak louder than words…….which is what you’ve told me in the past.
Another good day; I've taken your advice; listen more, talk less". Understandably, my W is still really hurt from my recent outbursts. I definitely feel that she's pulled away, although we're talking and getting along generally well on the surface. She may be in survival mode b/c we have a great deal on the go at the moment. Regardless, I know I have to be positive while acknowledging that the process of repairing my marriage will take a significant amount of time.
This may seem like a stupid request, but I’m looking for advice on how best to stay on topic when discussing issues with a spouse who is really hurt.
Most people when describing communicating, refer to it as talking.
Think about it. Not listening, but talking. Like listening is secondary and meaningless. Like most people are just waiting their turn to talk (about what THEY are interested in or what's important to them) instead of listening to what interests or is important to the other person.
Work on listening with your wife, in fact? Do your best NOT to talk, unless it is to encourage her to keep talking.
Quote:
I’d also like your advice on what to say when you’ve hurt someone repeatedly…….besides sorry. I’ve said sorry so much, it has no meaning.
Herb, it doesn't; not anymore. Come a time when saying sorry just means I acknowledge my bad behaviour, but it isn't going to prevent me from doing it again.
Right now? You're saying sorry to make yourself feel better, not her.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
