I'm pasting a post from a former DB'er, JenJam, that helped me a lot when I first came here. It's stellar advice. Read it, reread it, heck, print it out and keep it on your person at all times and read it whenever you get the urge to pursue. This is hard, but there are gifts to be had if you do the work.
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SDFG, thank you so much for re-posting that!!!! That was an amazing post & it really helped soothe me tonight, it was just what I needed to "hear." It's too bad JenJam isn't around any longer, I bet her insight would be greatly sought on the site.
M: 46 H: 39 Together 10 years, married almost 8 years No kids D day 11/23/15 GALing at this point
Thank you SDFoundGirl & MrBond, I really appreciate you taking the time to offer help and support, in todays world it is so hard to come by. i do need to GAL in all honesty i feel like i have lost myself and i really do need to detatch from my H not be so dependant on him. When he picked me up from work instead of driving the normal way home he went what i call the longer way, the usual questions were asked in the car, how was work, how was D2, but then he pulled up outside his sisters said he was dropping of D2 so we could go skating, this made me really happy and appreciative of him arraging this so we could go, this has helped to give me some hope thats its not all bad, but again after being on this site i now realise don't read into anything and dont expect anything. We had a good time skating we even talked abit about R, i advised him that i had sent him an email letting him know how i felt and i tried to valdate his feelings i will post the email later, when he changed the subject i didnt bring it back up as i wanted to continue the good vibe we were on and your all right i need to not bring up the R talk again which i will try not to and if i get the urge to i will come on here and vent :0) The evening went well he cooked and we went to bed at the same time which was nice as that hasnt happened in a few weeks.
in trying to GAL i am gonna try and go to the gym once a week if i can find a babysitter, its hard as have no one to turn too. H said this morning that he would watch lil un if i ever wont to be on my own, so i think i should take him up on this offer i now think even he is saying GAL :0) next week i am also planning to get my hair and nails done i think well no i know i need to take beeter care of my self and present myself at my best on nearly all occassions as i at the moment i dont really make an effort so its no wonder my H just sees me as a nagger and a moaner. i am even trying to look at my faults i.e. always moaning and complaining whilst at work and instead of just moaning and trying to convince others of my opinion i should try and offer a solution as it also doesnt make the situation seem so bad when you can see there is at least one solution. i have considered get anti-D's but as my mother is trying to get custody of our D i dont want that to show on my medical record as it could prove her case of me not being able to cope, but after googling i have read that there are self medicating herbs available from reputable outlets that act similarly to anti-d so will give them a try. Today hasnt been so bad i am constantly battling myself trying to keep a PMA as i suffer from automatic negative thinking, also i am not going to contact my H as i usually do instead i am going to deep clean the huse to keep myself busy (and hopefully be GAL) and wait for him to contact me, so here it goes!! :0)
planning started out pretty normal my mom i a seamstress so she was making the maid of honors dress who was my sister, 3 flowergirls dresses, 2 waistcoats, 4 cravats and 100 chair covers. i know this probably sounds alot but my mom is a really good seamstress and all thi was planned and decided 1 1/2 years before the wedding ut the ost important thing she was making was my wedding dress which meant so much to me because it would be so personal and when i pass it to my daughter it would have personal history. ...... so forward to the wedding day we're due to married @ 11am it is 11am and i have no dress the girls have no dress, the rooms havent been decorated theres no cake the cars have been outside for an hour 1/2 and i am in floods of tears whilst my h2b is waiting at the altar. now a week before the wedding i forced my mom to let me try on my dress as i couldnt decide how i wanted to do my hair if my shoes realy matched etc.. she was very reluctant but did it anyway, now 8 mths before i bought a very basic dress and just wanted to add my own lace and bling to it which my mo said she was happy with and that she was cracking on, everytime i wanted to see the dress she would say she didnt want to spoil the surprise and wanted me to see it when it was virtually finished so i waited and waited (had other things to do anyway) i also ad a major operation 4 months before the wedding so i was very distarcted but i still managed to sort all the cars the guys clothes the decorations the rings the programmes the menus etc... the only thing i hadnt done was my dress the girls dresses the cake and the chair covers and my mom said she had arranged the helpers to decorate the venues. so when it came to the week before i was very concerned about my dress but when i put it on i was so delighted my mom assured me that everything would be done in time and everything was on track so with me being heavily mdicated and exhausted i believed her after all its my mom but the night before the wedding instead of relaxing and feeling nervous i was in tears as we had spent thousands on decorations which was now all over the house and the help my mom had promised never arrived so i had to call my h2b and ask hm to help, he was not impressed to say the least and actually called off the wedding, but then 2hrs later he came round and said he loved me and still wanted to marry it is our wedding day, so we load our small car with as much as we could and head to the reception to at least put the menus out, now he is a chef and had done the catering for our wedding himself with a team of 5 others chefs he works with so they had been cooking for 2 days straight hardly any sleep but they all chipped in to help dress the room as much as possible but by the time we brought the deco to the venue it was 4am so 2 hrs later no sleep for 2 days straight we had to sleep so i sent my h2b to his best mans house and i headed to my mom's house
when i got to my mom's she was frantically sewing a sash for the girl's dresses i asked her what happened to all the help (trying to be as calm as i could although i was steaming inside) thats when she advised that she hadn't done anything, i wanted to shout and scream but instead said in a harsh tone 'just get my dress done at least as i need that more than anything and dont be late you have to give me away. so its 7am i take my car (that is another story as to why my mom had it) and go home, by the time i get home its 8am once home the videographer and potographer come to film and shoot me getting ready instead tey are addressed with me in floods of tears so they say they will go to the venue instead, so then my mil2b turns up she has heard whats going on and has come to help (she had to travel up so i imagine exhausted) she pulls me together and ask me to bring mine and my daughter's dress if i still wanted to get married as my h2b says he does and will be waiting for me, so i realise i cant leave him at the altar on his own i love him to much to do that, but i have to explain to her that i do not have the dresses yet, so she phones my mom no answer so she phones again and again finally at 10:30am my mom answers and says 'if we really love each other we dont need anything but each other' so my mil being angry travels down there to get te clothes as my h and his guys are all dressed to the 9's and i would be turning up in a clubbing dress at best, she gets the clothes but the girls dresses havent been finshed and my mom took my dress apart, so my mil pns us all into our dresses which was bad enough but my dress was held together by alot of pins which were sticking into me and scraping my arms but i still wanted to wear it as it was my dream dress and i think better then a skimpy sequined clubbing dress, so at the ceremony i'm crying my heart out just before i walk down the aisle eveyone has been waiting for 2 hrs from when the wedding was meant to start and do not look happy get down the aisle on my own holding back the tears and as i'm walking i hear people whispering look at her dress, look at her hair, where's her mom why she on her own, h2b is smiling but when i reach him i can tell he is super angry and he evens ask what the h**l is ging on wheres your mom, we get through the ceremony of which a few people walked out and i later find out they lft because they thought we were a joke and the whole day was a farce, we go out to take pics and i turn to quickly so my dress opens on the side, people pin it back as best they can and encourage me to smile it my wedding day and i married the man i loved and who loves me so i try too, but at the recption most of the tables are empty as people had nt bothered to come, my family hadn't come and i find out my mom went to the recption to try and 'help out' however she put bowls on the tables and during the meal they started to explode as they were too hot, no one said anything when it came time for speeches, there was no cake and as the dj had not been paid (yet more drama to do with my mom), no music or first dance, for me our day had been a complete disaster, now as my wanted to help out but at time acted like it as her wedding and i would have to put her in her place but with my emergeny operation i didnt have the energy to fight so we have had to pay for services that we didnt use because we were contracted to them but my decided she wasnt paying but didnt say anything(and still hasnt)
now since the wedding my mom sister and the rest of my family have evry few days been coming to my house bagging off the door, leaving me nasty messages on my phone even sending me letters demanding thousands of money spent on the time she allocated to my wedding and wanted the dresses back. i didnt respond to any of it so a month afetr the wedding our windows were smashed, then car windows were smashed and then recently i get a letter from my solicitor stating she wants full custody of my daughter, this is what was the final straw for my DH and why he left me as he couldnt take all this abuse that my family were causing and they just wouldnt stop, i couldnt go to the police as i had no proof as to who smashed the windows but my mom and sister have smashed someone elses windows that they did not like so i am guessing it was them, also they played mind games with me, they sent me messages saying have a good day, then in the morning i found the car windows smashed, i rec'd a message saying have a good week then 2 days later got a letter from my mom's solicitor, my H said he was worried i was going to have a nervous breakdown and tought it best to leave me so that i could back to them and end this madness before someone got hurt.
So since we have been married we have had a lot of drama to deal with, i have broken down at work so many times and had to have time off but luckily my supervisor has been understaning as she sees herself as my work mom and fighting my corner with my manager, but i know that i am an emotional reck and to be honest have no idea how my H has been coping, now as i type this and look back i guess he hasnt and has been watching me on this rollercoaster going out of control, i had invested so much emotion into the wedding seeing it as a new beginning for us and for it to start so badly crushed my hopes and my H has said he wished we never married me but i now realise he was talking out of anger otherwise he could of walked away that day and any day since(i hope) he had said we can get over the day and have a happy marriage but it has been hard for me to let it go especially as it is something so public, people from both our jobs were there and saw and heard what was said and done and are still talking about it, some even make jokes about it like 'dont give that job to her you dont want the project to end up a disaster like her wedding' :0(
sorry this was so long and this isnt even all of it but it has helped to get some of this out and i sit here without a tear whereas for the last 2 months if anyone mentioned the wedding i would breakdown into floods of tears but know i am carrying alot of hurt and now have no family or friends on top of it
yesterday was okay, when H got home we talked about our day and lil un, i had to force myself to not talk about R as i so wanted to but i did stop myself and i think it made for a pleasant night we even arranged to go on a date tonight so that was nice. I told my H i took the 5 love languages test and find that my language is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, when i went onto FB last night H had put how he enjoyed skating with his lovely W, this tickled me and i told him last night how little comments like that tickle me, we both laughed (in a good way) and he gave me a kiss and said 'thats nice to know, i had better tickle you more often from now on' again him saying this tickled me again but i did not tell him this time. I guess what i have come to realise, i need to detatch and GAL, i need to take better care of myself and i have realised my H doesnt hae all the answers and needs as much guidance as me in the R especially on little things that we like (i hope this wasnt R talk)
aarrgghh i'm so gitted, i couldnt go on our date as no babysitter gutted, still told H to go out and enjoy the evening especially as its his first evening off in months, had to bite my toungue to stop me from trying to guilt trip him though, another 180 for me :0)my plan tonight to light 20 candles put on some music and have a long rlaxing soak in the bath, something I havent done in months :0)
