Hi, I have never posted anywhere before but since I am in new territory with my marriage I need some advice. I have been married 18 years. This is my second marriage and my H first. We have had a lot of ups and downs. I met H while still previously married. I was very young only 22 at the time. My ex was even younger being only 19. I have a son from that marriage. Anyway we divorced after less than 3 yrs together. I was stationed at a different place for 1 1/2 years from my then fiance now H. After we were back together and married I was pregnant within a month. This was hard on M. My mom dying a couple of years later was hard too. So was dealing with issues with my ex. Plus we have moved 3 times( back to States then from west coast to east cost coast).Then a surprise pregnancy 7 years ago and my grandma moving to state made things even harder. We also have very difficult time communicating so he would stonewall while I would push to talk. By about four years ago we had stopped talking about R much at all. Now he say he doesn't love me like before and he doesn't think we care about him and he doesn't need people. He has major health issues. His leg has a permanent injury that makes it difficult to walk and he has high blood pressure and cholesterol. He also has a hard time sleeping. He disclosed his feelings four mos ago. I did what I thought was everything. It seemed like it was getting better but last week he revealed that the tenants in the apartment we rent out over our detached garage were moving out and he was moving in. Apparently he had evicted them 6 weeks ago and didn't tell me. This is weird its like he's here but not. I don't understand his motivation to stay this close. I tried to talk him into staying but he didn't want to. Than I told him since he was leaving anyway leave as soon a possible even though he wanted to wait a few days.That made him angry. He says now he feels better over there is not in a rush to divorce but doesn't want to work on the M. I am trying not to talk to him for a while but I don't know what else to do. He is insanely stubborn so it might be awhile before he makes the next move if ever.
So sorry you are going through this but you found a great place for support! I see you also started another thread. It works better for people to find you here if you keep to one thread!
The weekends are kinda slow around here so hang tight...more will be along soon to help!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Welcome to the community. Don't worry about finding your way around....if I can then anyone can!
The first thing I would tell anyone in your situation is to read Divorce Remedy. The principles & techniques are what we use here on the board.
What is the age of your H?
I've been M for many years and I can tell anyone that stress over a long period of time can be a killer. Most of us can deal with most anything for a short time.....but when there seems to be no let-up and things just keep happening....well the burden on a MR can certainly take its toll.
The good news is that your M can be saved! Do you realize just how much power we women have? We can actually set the tone in our homes. Most men find it very difficult to be angry or sulled around a happy woman. Oh, he may try....but he will find it hard when you are showing nothing but a PMA.
If memory serves me, I think one of the first things we learn in Dbing is to detach from the emotional stress that ties you to your H. It's not easy but it's necessary in order to be able to stay well, to think properly, to set goals, and to get through this stuff.
Detaching is not acting mad and refusing to speak,ect. I think I'll just copy a good definition one of the other member's wrote:
Quote:
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.
Okay, so try to digest that as best you can. The other thing that you can begin immediately working on is not to engage in any talks about the M. No R talks! If he talks, then you can listen, but don't argue with him. More about that later.
One more thing for right now.....be less available to him. That may take some practice b/c your life has been wrapped around him and the kids. Just don't initiate contacts(calls,TM's, emails,or going over to check on him). If he calls you, then be upbeat but end the conversation first. You do this b/c you are a busy lady with something on the agenda all the time. You can use being involved in a lot of things as a good excuse for cutting his calls short.
More to come, but I'll stop for now. Hope you will post every day!
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
