GAL with waw. Stuck bad.

[habitacker]

I have been doing LRT for a while now and actually just realized it. It is kind of scary because I didn't realize that I had to go this far. Just the words LAST RESORT is scary.
My problem seems to be with GAL. I have always had huge hobby's and was very rarely home. I had time consuming hobby's that took up my time almost every night. Especially through the summertime.
Now that the bomb has been dropped on me, none of this matters anymore. I was actually in the process of quiting all of this before the bomb hit because it was not fun anymore. I was ready to spend more time with kids and wife. I was wanting to change myself and the way I lived, but I just didn't do it soon enough. What a shame, I saw it,but it was to late.
Anyway, how do I go out and GAL when all that is what I have been doing for years? I actually want to be home with my wife and kids and have a loving family. I am actually ready to grow up and quit everything that was selfish.
For me, GAL is being at home and having a loving family and marriage.

[FaithnAK]

Habit, What do you feel led to the demise of your Marriage?

TOO much time away? Neglect?

Did she walk away or is there an OM?

Is she in the home or did she move away?

[habitacker]

Maybe I should not of started another post. Was not getting much action on other. (Hit by truck 2 months ago). Sorry.
I would say the biggest demise of my marriage would be that I was just a grumpy person all the time. Was never happy. Even verbally abusive. This is all being dealt with and I feel great. Do not even know what I was mad at.
I am sure time away and neglect were a part of it also, but not as much. But it all adds up I suppose. She never complained much about all the time my hobbys took.
I am 99.9% sure there is no OM. Not her style. We are still in the same house. Different rooms. Everyday life is like there is nothing wrong.
When this all started she did say she wanted me to keep doing my hobby's with my friends and give her space. Problem is all of this is summer activity. She does understand I need to be around to be with the kids. If I was never around before, how does not being around now help anything. I truly believe if I was to be gone as much as I was before or if I was to have to move out, we would be through. It would be easier for her. I am sure the only reason we are in the same house now is because she is not brave enough to finish the deal. Thank god for that. Time is all I have. All I can do is keep learning and be ready that someday she will open up and we can fix this.
My story is on my other post if anyone wants to take the time to read it. I guess I was getting impatient when I realized I was in LRT. Sorry.

[ericmsant2]

Habit

I was the same way bud. When they said to me GAL, I said "I can't I've done it for the past 18 years and this was one of the reason that put my in this position to begin with".

Here is what I can tell you Habit....

YOu need to do things for YOU and things that make you happy. Period. No questions asked. None. Just do for YOU.

Yes you are trying to save your M and I pray and hope that you do. What many do not realize is the BEST chance you have to save your M is to become a happy, confident, full of life person that everyone whats to be around. I am not saying be the life of the party. No. I am saying be a happy person. Someone that can be happy alone, with someone, married, divorced, seaprated, with kids, no kids, with a job, with no job, etc. Just plain happy.

The way you do this...is to do things that really make you happy. FTR, I am not suggesting that you become a totally irresponsible individual who will do things just to make himself "feel happy" no just try and find your own happiness.

As for your W, she is going to do what she needs to do for HER. YOu just do things that work for YOU. Wanna save your M...well then buddy time to start really working on YOU.

Eric

[habitacker]

Thank you for the reply. I actually want to thank my wife for doing this. If this would not have happened, nothing would have changed for me. I was already looking at myself before this happened and I did not like myself. I was tired of being mad all the time. I was in the process of finding stuff about myself when this all happened. If I wasn't happy with myself, how can I blame her for wanting out.
My GAL is wanting to be at home, with the kids and my wife and that is what makes me happy. Doing everything I have missed. It is amazing how much closer the kids and I are in such a short period. I was not happy before. I spend time at home now, and I am happy. This is what was missing in my life. I have figured out what I want. The proplem is, this is probably what she wanted also, but now she doesn't.
My point is, will my GAL hurt my chances with my wife? Being at home is what I need to be happy, but she needs space. If it is all about making myself happy I should be home everynight playing with the kids and doing all the family stuff I have been missing.
This is the man I want to be. It is what makes me happy. I would be happier if I could show some love to her also, but that isn't happening now. I can not give space by going out. Going out makes me miserable. I can try to give her as much space as possible but I am going to have to do it while being in the house.

[ericmsant2]

Habit

My point is, will my GAL hurt my chances with my wife?

Whatever GAL activity makes you happy WILL not hurt any chances with your wife.

Having said this maybe the question you should ask yourself is....."why should I care about what someone else may be feeling about what I do as long as what I am doing is making ME happy and I becoming the man that I always wanted to be"


[quote]If it is all about making myself happy I should be home everynight playing with the kids and doing all the family stuff I have been missing.
This is the man I want to be. It is what makes me happy.[/qoute]
Then be home everynight. IF she does not like it - well then she can leave OR choose to live the life of happiness with YOU. Her choice and also YOUR choice.

God Bless,
Eric

[sandi2]

Habit, you sound like a desparate man. Believe me, your WAW can see the desparation and it is not attractive. I went back and brushed up on your other thread and almost every post shows it.

All these things you keep bringing up is your way of trying to fix what's wrong. You want to fix the M. We understand that. What you don't seem to really grasp is to stop finding some magic thing to say or do. You have to take your focus off of your W. It is pressure on her and it hurts the M.

One of the big things for you to work on is patient! You started a new thead b/c you didn't think your other one was getting enough hit??? You've go to be kidding!

This is one thing that you can't force. You cannot "make" it happen. You will learn to be patient with the method, if you want the M to survive.

Now, let me ask you something.Apparently you have some means of knowing about your W's appointments. Do you know who she emails?

[habitacker]

Thanks for everyone reply's. Sandi2 you are correct. I do great for a couple days and then it seems like I fall apart again. I do show more impatience and desperation on my posts than I do around my wife. I am keeping my cool off screen. I think this is my only place for release. But I am sure you are right that she probably senses it even if I think I am not showing it. It is so darn hard.
The tone of your post seems to be the hardest you have came down on me. I appreciate it, I really do. Your posts have helped me greatly. I have been dependant on my wife and now I am being dependant on this forum. I need to be more reliant on myself. I guess I have always needed others approval.
I have to choose a path, and I want it to be DBing but I just can't get other options off my mind. I just have a hard time seeing her come to me. She never has with problems and that is why I am in this so deep. I am not blaming her, but in some weird way I am. The problems were not her fault,but trying to fix them? yes. She was the only one that knew that something was wrong. If she was afraid to come to me before,why will she now or later. Yes, I know this is desperate of me, but it is my only and last chance, I just want to know if DBing is the course I should take?
Nobody really needs to answer that. That would be asking for a guarantee.
As for the e-mails. I used to check on her a lot at the beginning because the first thing I thought was there has to be an A. I quit looking mainly because I never found anything, and I realized she is better than that. She left her appointment info laying on the kitchen table and has always told me when she has a doctor appointment. She hasn't hidden it and I wasn't looking for it. As for the diabete's stuff she looked up on the computer? I went to history to find something of mine and the diabetes thing was just right in front of me. I wasn't really snooping for anything, it was just there.
If I wanted to I could look at anything. Her phone is charging in the kitchen not to far from the couch where I sleep. I have looked in the past, and felt stupid everytime.
My mom left my dad when she found someone else and if you look around there usually is an affair of some sort when this happens. So this was naturally my first thought even though one of the first things she said to me was there is nobody else. I should actually take this as a positive. There could be someone else.
The stuff I do around the house now, laundry,clean,vacumn,cook. I really want to help and do these things, but is this bad? Does it make me look desperate? I don't think I should stop anything I have started though, it would make it look fake when it is not. I actually enjoy folding my daughters cute little clothes. I am sure this joy fades over time.lol.
I have put all new windows and doors in the house over the past few weekends. It was something that needed done for a long time. Sure, I am probably doing it because of the wake up call. But it is what I want to do. It is my house, and my family and I am tired of neglecting them. Was this bad to do? Can doing the things I should have done in the past be bad? I can't show her love, can at least show who I want to be now? Or can this backfire.
Thanks.

[sandi2]

The stuff I do around the house now, laundry,clean,vacumn,cook. I really want to help and do these things, but is this bad? Does it make me look desperate?

No,not at all. However,she's watching to see how long it's going to last b/c she thinks it's a gimmick to get her back.

Do repairs and upkeep of the home is a necessary task. As long as you are expecting absolutely nothing in return from her, then it's fine.

I was speaking more about your attitude as being desparate. Yes, I was pretty sure you let it out here on the board....and that's good. You are concerned about using the right instructions, such as the DB program. I would suggest that you get a piece of paper, and at the top wright DivorceBusting. Below that, wright the methods or principles of DBing. Then make another catagory titled some other programs,or your own thoughts of what you could be doing.

Then write what you believe would be the outcome by each method/principle/program.

Be realistic and mark through the things you know you can't do. Then look at what you have left. What seems to be the best way to handle the stitch?


Look at what you can do and feel good about doing it. I don't know if that will help you feel more comfortable in sticking with DBing or not. You can always find those who will tell you what you want to hear, just as you can find those who will tell you to kick her oout. But you need to feel confident in "you" and that you are doing the best effort that you can.

You are allowing her to make up her own mind without pressure from you. It takes a big man to do that!

[sandi2]

BTW, you might want to put this in the heading of that worksheet......"How to Save my Marriage". Sometimes,we forget what the main goal was when we first came on board.