btw, he is definetly MLC and has been at least 3 years into it. I THINK he isstarting to come out of the tunnel which is why I am reluctant to ask any questions, talk R, talk sex etc. I have read so much about MLC that I do have faith in this process but I get so annoyed at the dragging of time and then start to feel like "well, what about me"?
How about trying: Getting the Love You Want Giving the Love that Heals --both by Harville Hendrix
Uhhhhh... isn't he the "sit down with your spouse and let your inner children converse" guy? I think I listened to part of one of his books and finally had to stop because it seemed so... (i'm sorry all you Harville fans)... so hokey. I get that as a little person I wasn't treated very well. I just don't get how pretending that I can still talk with the 'little me' will help. It's just a little loosey-goosey for my taste. Sorry. I much prefer the more concrete approach of MWD, Harriet Lerner, Matthew McKay, Mark Goulston etc. And sorry Coach, but I remember now how depressed I got after reading Learned Optimism. I felt like SUCH a loser for getting the 'pessimist' label stamped on my forehead, and even worse because I couldn't switch my thinking around like that. I do admire his work though.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
The Truth about Love--by Pat Love
Now I've never read any of her work. I'll check into this.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
There are a few other ideas in "Tools for Piecing"
Thanks for this also; I'll take some time to read through it this weekend.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
My personal preferences are more similar to yours. But a lot of folks here have had really been helped by all of this. Whatever helps YOU keep on keepin' on is most important.
It's really so very important to build your skills as life goes on, because even when you both always want to make it work, life just throws you some real curveballs. I applaud you for taking every chance to grow.
btw, he is definetly MLC and has been at least 3 years into it. I THINK he isstarting to come out of the tunnel which is why I am reluctant to ask any questions, talk R, talk sex etc. I have read so much about MLC that I do have faith in this process but I get so annoyed at the dragging of time and then start to feel like "well, what about me"?
NTGR--you have said 'a lot' but it's really important that you've noticed the turning point. It seems folks who really think their partner is in MLC seem to notice these turning points but don't build on them. Some folks can, and some folks can't. But you don't know if you don't try.
Time can drag and like training to run a marathon--your mind can be your limiting factor. You recognize it, so you can push through it.
Your issue is similar to Findingmyvoice's. And your solution is found in Coach's advice: fight to stay positive.
Well, thank you very much for those book suggestions anyways. I can appreciate that everyone relates to a different style of writing.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
It's really so very important to build your skills as life goes on, because even when you both always want to make it work, life just throws you some real curveballs.
Yes, that's exactly it, isn't it. And I imagine that these skills never really get 'perfected'. We keep relearning and expanding on them as we are confronted with new situations in life.
FWIW, you know what I'd like to read, or hear of? (Just in case you'd like to put a bug in MWD's ear for her next book) Just something, anything from the almost-WAs point of view. I think it might be reassuring even just to hear about their experiences - how they came to the decision to stay; how they worked to ensure they didn't slip back into old patterns; how they learned to trust themselves and their partner again; how they keep themselves from drifting down that road again. IDK, just a thought. Maybe there aren't that many of us out there. Well, anyways, thanks again for the convo dbmod. Perhaps I'll re-listen to the books of MWDs I already have. Maybe there'll be something there I can learn, that I wasn't ready to 'hear' the first time or two I listened. Cheers, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Thanks. I am really trying to stay optimistic. Good news, last night H and I had dinner at one of our favorite places. He starts telling me he is concerned for his health as he has been losing weight (doesnt need to) and sleep has been fleeting for some time. Also, his exhaustion is apparent. He says he wants to see his MD for a physical. This is HUGH for H as this has only happened 1 other time in our 10 years together and it was at my provocation. I asked him if he thought his issues were physical and or emotional. He say " I dont know, really". Again, HUGH for this man. However, I know he may very well change his mind in a heartbeat.So I am not holding out for it. But just the awareness after so much cloudy stuff, I think he is moving forward. I offered to make a luch for him thiss AM, which I haven't been doing since August as I have felt and said as much to him " If Im not going to be a real wife, then I'm not going to play one". He was very grateful and gave me a kiss and hug. Again I see this as cautious progress.
Just something, anything from the almost-WAs point of view. I think it might be reassuring even just to hear about their experiences - how they came to the decision to stay; how they worked to ensure they didn't slip back into old patterns; how they learned to trust themselves and their partner again; how they keep themselves from drifting down that road again. IDK, just a thought. Maybe there aren't that many of us out there. Well, anyways, thanks again for the convo dbmod. Perhaps I'll re-listen to the books of MWDs I already have. Maybe there'll be something there I can learn, that I wasn't ready to 'hear' the first time or two I listened. Cheers, FMV.