Why do I even bother?

[Phenix70]

I've been very happy with my 180 progress & I feel great as a result.
Except for one thing, H is just pissing me off!
At this point I know we're not going to R, he has made it abundantly clear he doesn't want to try, that he is 100% done with our marriage, fine I accept that but his behavior towards me just makes me want to verbally smack him.
For instance, he can be cold towards me, then turn around & be so damn jolly towards his friends & even our pets, while I'm left to feel like the bad guy.
I hate this, I hate that I have to live in the same house with him because I have no money, no job & I'm 2400 miles away from my family & friends.
I'm stuck here with a man who can't be any more obvious about how much I disgust him.
I thought that at the very least we had been making progress as far his behavior towards me, but I was wrong.

Please someone tell me something, anything, that will give me a light at the end of the tunnel.
Even losing our child to a miscarriage was not as painful as this, having the man who I thought loved me, turn out to dislike me so much he can't stand to even have me touch his arm.

[Jstar]

Phenix,

if you let him see how it bothers you it will give him the reaction he is looking for. he is perfectly happy in hurting you at this point, so don't even play into it.

you have the choice to leave the room when he starts behaving this way or you can try to set some boundaries.

[Phenix70]

Jstar,
You really think it's something as simple as he wants to see me hurting?
It's hard for me to see it that way since he's the one who wants to divorce, not me, so to me he's already hurt me, why would he want to see me hurt more?
Maybe I'm just trying to be too logical, LOL.

Any suggestions on how to set boundaries?
I have to admit I'm going a little nuts at the moment, I'm very overwhelmed with these feelings towards him & being stuck in our home with nowhere to go at the present time.
Going stir crazy doesn't even begin to describe my emotions.

[FaithnAK]

Hello Phenix70,

Don't worry about boundaries just yet. READ Divorce Remedy FIRST.

BEFORE YOU GET DR...here is a list to follow...

I can't quote any more so here you go. Author is Sandi2:

Here you go:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[Phenix70]

Thanks FaithN AK, I've already read DB & DR, doing my 180 & following Sandi's list to the T.
In fact, I think I've gotten pretty good at doing all things I'm supposed to be doing & my own GAL is going very well.
I'm becoming more accepting that my H & I are not going to R, it's sinking in now & I'm making peace with that.
It's going to be hard, I know I'll miss him like crazy, more than I've ever missed anyone else, but at the end of the day I have to be realistic, HE IS NOT COMING BACK TO ME.
(The caps were for me, I'm not yelling at anyone, LOL.)

[ericmsant2]

Phenix

Maybe HE is not coming back NOW....but ya never know what happens in the future. YOu could reconcile 1, 2, 3, 4, or even 5 years later.

IMO, your goal should be the same regardless of the outcome. Goal = become someone that YOU would never want to leave.

God Bless,
Eric

[AKHope]

Hi Phenix-
To answer your original questions as to how/why he can be so cold and cavalier towards you yet so jolly around everyone else?

It's gonna sting but bear with me here. It's because he's decided to leave all his problems behind and he see's YOU as "all" of them.

In my experience, I saw cocky arrogance about the direction she had chosen to leave. She saw divorce as the solution to all the problems. To wit, I (and anything associated with me) was the problem.

And here's the catch and why you need to work on you. At some point, he'll realize that all his problems DID NOT go away when he left you behind. In fact, when many actually get worse, he'll see things differently. He also may not. Some people will never get it.

So, regardless of the outcome, whether your marriage can be saved or not, you must prepare YOU for the possibility he will turn back toward you and be strong enough (and improved enough) to make the decision whether you have (hold on for this part) OUTGROWN HIM and now decide that YOU have left him behind.

This is about your future; being the best Phenix EVER and for no one's sake but your own. It is only from THAT position that you can make clear decisions about what (and perhaps who) is healthy for YOUR future and happiness.

I hope that makes sense.

All the things on Sandi's list may appear tactical. But if you really look at them from where you will be in 2-24 months, you'll find that they speak the truth about relationships.

Think back to when you were dating and imagine you had decided a BF was not right for you. These were your reasons at the time. If the BF had done any of the things Sandi advises against, would your perspective of the ex-BF gotten better or worse?

Think. Adapt. Improve.