Can I save this?-previously under WAS

[ericmsant2]

Cub

(formerly) happy and attractive 30 something couple that dated badly

That’s much better than an UGLY 30 something couple that never dated. Just kidding.  What do you mean by dated badly?

I was worse off though-she literally is the only person I ever had a steady relationship with.

Hmmm…..”I was worse off”….Hmmm…some insecurity issues surfacing here? What do YOU think?

I think she had one or two boyfriends earlier.

And this matters WHY?

First MC basically wrote off our marriage because we were young by Manhattan standards when we married: 24 and 20 (!).

Hopefully you stopped going to this counselor. FTR, age should not define the success or failure of a M. IMO, COMMUNICATION does amongst a few other key ingredients. So Cub, are you telling yourself that your M cannot survive because you were young when you married?

I am trying to find him again as fast as I can.

Well he is inside of you, which is good. You are searching for him, which is really good. Do you know what is holding you back?

I wonder if I was always just a ticket out.

Nothing like a negative thought to help liven the mood. Stop trying to figure all of this out. Stop trying to overanalyze the M. Just focus on YOU. Psst… hint….keep searching for the strong guy that your W fell in love with.

And I got run over several times over the years since we married. By her, by the school system's decisions that made my job hard or impossible, and in my efforts to build my conducting career. Without even questioning it I made sacrifices to help her out.

Boohoo…you want to be a victim or a survivor? You choose which role you want to play buddy.
You can sit here and post all about how YOU did this or that for her and how she did not do this or that for YOU. That my friend, is a victim mentality. Now, if ya don’t want to be a victim – man the f*ck up and start looking at your role in all of this…cause no matter what you say to me – you both are probably at fault. So focus on YOU and not her. Sorry the “soft” responding poster took the day off and your stuck with me (that is a little humor)

In the 12 years that we were in Baltimore-Washington her star rose, mine did not so much fade as simply become more behind the scenes.

A little jealous Cub? Maybe a little? Do you think that maybe you were a little complacient? Hmmm…do you want the M to work because you love her OR because you are afraid ya can’t make it on your own? FTR, us NYer’s are some tough sons a bi*ches.

She no longer feels I can be a viable partner for her because she is performing at Lincoln Center every week, and I am finishing a doctoral degree that has no guarantees attached.

1) F*ck what she feels right now.
2) Do you think you are a viable partner for her? If not, then why? I think I know the answer but do you?

And I have not made friends outside of our relationship in a long time. She resents that; the truth is that I could never bond with my co workers because I was just too different.

Different is NOT a bad thing buddy. At the end of the day, what you are going through right now is really more about YOU. So were YOU happy having not made friends?

I was too forgiving,

Boy this sounds like a little anger coming out…. FTR, forgiveness is something we give ourselves as a gift.

too willing to spoil her,

Sound like some more anger….not sure about you but if my W was not off fu*king someone else I may not mind spoiling her. So honestly dude, if things were okay between you two you would be thinking differently.

too attached to her.

Repeat after me…..DB 101 – DETACH, DETACH, DETACH….

It was a weakness from the beginning and I have to relearn it.

I think you have a learn WHO You are first but then again what do I know.

Since my time is split it has been very difficult to get out in NYC and have it have any meaning-I went to a museum Saturday and spent as much time at Church Sunday as I could.

Cub, stop worrying IF you are going out enough and start really thinking about what MAKE YOU HAPPY.

I almost feel like we are now living two completely separate lives out of the same UWS apartment.

YOU Are living two separate lives (sorry to say)…question should be what are YOU going to do with YOURS?

When you say let her go...

What do you mean? I have already lost what was left of the old relationship, outside of the occasional TV show after she gets home from work

Let her go emotionally and begin to really focus on YOU. Who do you want to be, where do you want to go, what do you want in your life that you can control, what things or issues in YOU that YOU feel you need to change. The only way I believe that one can truly do this is when they really detach.

God Bless,
Eric

[Mountain Lion]

I am a viable partner, and I am sick to death of everyone telling me to give up. That includes the first MC, who I fired.

I told her earlier today that I wanted us back in counseling but only with someone whose priority it was to save the marriage. She didn't like that idea. I asked her what the point was if that wasn't a priority.

She equates saving the marriage with being miserable. I know my failings; she thinks I will never change. See MWD's Walk away Wife video on youtube.

What are those things? Not assertive enough, communication especially about finances, and not having my own life. We had a talk about that today too. I am very weary of talking the relationship; as has been posted on the boards.

[MrBond]

Then stop bringing up the relationship talks. That's one of the first rules of DB. What POSITIVE interactions have you had with her.

Here's a 2x4. What is going to get your W back is you to re-assert yourself. Build back your self-esteem and remember that you are a person of worth.

Let's put it this way. She had the affair. Why are you feeling bad? She has outlined your "flaws" as she sees them. But she's not exactly walking on water herself. Point is that you have strengths and weaknesses same as her. Stop looking down at yourself and see that you deserve to be happily married. Get your confidence back and stop being afraid of her words. They are just that. Words.

[MrBond]

Maybe you should start by changing your name from "Cub" which is a defenseless baby, to something more assertive and fierce. Start changing your mindset.

[Mountain Lion]

WOW, I just ended up in a relationship talk over the phone. Hard to avoid when she won't let go.

It started with a text" "I can't be what you want me to be."

I asked her what she meant when she called; she said "June Cleaver." It is pretty obvious that we are not that from these posts!

Here's the thing: she insists the 4 months since the PA has been an eternity and she wants resolution now.

She also wants a multitude of possible outcomes from therapy because she says she is unhappy. The way to be happy-to never have to feel like anything is permanent in her life ever. For every day to be a decision.

BTW-the friends that she hangs out with pretty much live this way,like Bohemians. Not actually worried about another PA right now.

I told her, you know, you kinda have that anyway. And said I understood.

I tried to say I understand as much as possible while sticking to my guns where needed, and told her this whole thing really should be in a therapy session.

Randall

[Mountain Lion]

PS-submitted possible name change to Mountain Lion.

"Cub" was a reference to our favorite baseball team.

[Mountain Lion]

PSS- I was more assertive. I am certainly being more assertive in what I want in counseling. We are actually fighting about it. heh.

Moderators-can you delete my name from 2 posts ago? Thanks

MOUNTAIN LION

[Bworl]

Just know that you cannot make her "see the light," so to speak. The common theme that runs through most threads on this board is a stunned spouse who believes in the viability of the relationship facing a spouse who believes just the opposite, complete with several reasons why they are right.

It is possible that you will lose this relationship physically before you get it back.

On the other hand, perhaps your assertiveness will be appealing to her, though it sounds to me like there are some cultural differences rearing their head as well.


She wants to fly. Well...can you fly too? I mean, you don't have to become a high flyer in other people's eyes in order to fly with your wife at the level she would like to travel. Is there something about your personality, beliefs, etc that keep you from being able to run in the circles she currently favors?


It sounds like you've moved in different directions, and your response was to retreat a bit within yourself. So while your wife is succeeding professionally and beginning to move in new circles, you are retreating to home and privatising your life. Those are diametrically opposed lifestyles, eh?


Being the "big fish in the little pond" in WV, I'm supposing you were quite the opposite. Can you see how you have become a different person to the man who first attracted her attention?



There is always work to be done on ourselves. The question you have to answer is whether or not you actually WANT to life the kind of life your wife now desires. The question is whether or not the reality is that your lives HAVE branched in different directions.



You're the man with those answers.



Blessings,

Bill

[Mountain Lion]

WAW has expressed desire to attend couples therapy, and agreed to a new therapist.

She says she wants to know that she will have "options." Is this a set up? Since she swears up and down she never loved me it sure feels like it.

Doing 180's, giving maximum space. It feels like turning a battleship.

[Mountain Lion]

Advice needed quickly (see below). I have been layng low for a month.

Things have been about the same, except that after the end of the semester and visiting my family I am home "permanently" now.

We had a good Christmas together; not great but good. Just the two of us.

We are entering counseling this week. However, while we are going as a couple we are planning to do individual work with the same therapist, to make sure both of us are ready for couples. We actually aren't at that point yet, unfortunately, with her convinced she wants to leave the marriage.

SPEAKING OF WHICH... she has not slept well since I came home. Last night she tried moving to the living room. We discussed this... I didn't like the idea of her "separating" but went with it. She came back to bed in a few hours.

Now she wants to go stay at a friends' empty apartment to get sleep. (they are out of town)

Should I say "hey, can we talk about this?" Or just let it play?

Thanks,
MOUNTAIN LION