Doing 180, but Husband still researched D

[dbmod]

What are you saying to him and what is your body language?

[Phenix70]

DB, I'm not saying anything to him about the R, D or us, just keeping it simple.
I've said hello to him, good bye, good night & been ignored.
I've stood right in front of him & talked about the weather & been ignored.
So far he only starts talking to me if he needs something.
My body language has been open, no crossed arms, no aggressive poses, no nasty looks, I've been pleasant & most importantly real, I've not been faking it since I think he can read BS a mile a way.
Right now I'm just really confused about what to do now, since to me it seems it doesn't matter if I engage him or ignore him, he still gives me the cold shoulder, as if I'm not worth his time & effort to speak to.
Hmmm, maybe I need to re-think why I even want someone back who just yesterday point blank told me "I don't love you" & who treats me with contempt.
I must be nuts.

[Phenix70]

H still not talking to me unless he absolutely has to, last night he did ask me if he could have a slice of my pizza...if I didn't mind.

It's kind of odd to me that in his direct dealings with me he's very cold, but some of the physical things he's done have been considerate.
For instance last night, I was in laying in bed with my eyes closed when I heard him walking towards our bdrm, he turned around after he saw I was sleeping & went to use my bathroom instead of the master bath.
He has used my bath room a couple of times when he thought I was asleep in our bedroom.
Every morning this week, instead of turning on the bright light in the master bath, he turned on his closet light.
Now some of you might think these things are no big deal but they are because we used to get into disagreements about him turning on the bright over head light, him making noise in our room when I was sleeping & now with these petty things we argued about, he's done his own 180.
I'm just scratching my head over this.

[Phenix70]

Bump...bump

[Drew]

BTW Drew, I somehow missed your last post yesterday, sorry I didn't respond to you.
You're right, I could very well make friends on DB, though it might be tough since we can't give out personal info on here.
And Drew, you would be happy to know I didn't look at his computer, nor did I look at his phone last night.
You want to know why?
Because I get it now, nothing I see is going to make a difference in my life, if he is going to cheat or do whatever, me seeing the evidence isn't going to change anything.
I might as well give myself a break & not add onto my stress.

[Phenix70]

I've had an epiphany of sorts.
I feel myself detaching at a rapidly approaching rate.
Having your H tell you he doesn't love you & can't afford you any more will do that to you.
Though this type of detachment is the kind that means no turning back, when I'm done, I'm done & I want out.

I've come to realize that the reasons my H gave for the D are just excuses, that I don't want him back, I don't want to be with a man who is so easily able to give up our marriage over things so petty.
Screw that, his issues are his issues, I am who I am, I'm not going to bend over backwards for a man who didn't even have the decency to TALK to me when he started to feel his own detachment.
Through sickness & health, through good times & bad?
BS, he only wanted the health & good times, sorry buddy, it's a package deal, you get all of it when you get married.

So I'm already starting my own process of moving on away from this marriage.
I see no reasons to do anything to try to save it, besides deep down I know that even if we did R, I would never trust him NOT to pull this crap again.

[Phenix70]

Just quick update, I've had some great interviews this week, hopefully I'll have a job before the year is out.

The last week has been brutal at home, with H being as cold as ever towards me.
I get on keeping on, doing things for myself, spending time doing things for myself & adhering to that old saying, "fake it till you make it."

Tonight I went out, H asked where I was going, I said shopping, his only response was "hmmm."
Came back home a little over tow hours later to him telling me he wanted to talk about the divorce, since it had been a week since he saw his atty.
He kept forcing the issue, telling me over & over again that he wants out, that there is no reason to bother dragging this out since he won't change his mind about the D.

He then said that in order for him to pay me spousal support for a year after the divorce I have to agree to lie about how long we've been separated, that he wants to tell the atty it's been 10 months, so that she can file in two months, then our divorce will be final in 6 months.

I'm really going to need that damn money in order to pay my bills, so it looks like I'm going to sell my soul to the devil & I've never felt so damn low in my life.
I never thought I could have felt worse than the day he said he wanted the D but that all changed tonight.
At this point it's probably a blessing to just have this over with since he feels so strongly about the D.

Oh yeah, he did admit he cares for me & that's why he wants to make sure I don't end up on the streets.
I admit I asked him if he felt bad at all about the D & he said by looking at my face & seeing the pain, he does feel bad, but he's sorry, it's over, he's done, that we fell out of love.
I had to correct him & say it was only him that fell out of love.

He has so much anger towards me that it's overwhelming & very painful to see.

[Harrier]

Phenix.

Do NOT lie. This is a crime and his attorney should know this. You could and should report this attorney to the State Bar. Most states have an anonymous tip line or something. More importantly you dont need to lie. In most divorce proceedings you can ask for some support while the divorce is going on. You may also try yo get your H to pay 4 attorney fees as part of any judgement.
I know this [censored] but you have to look out for you.

[Phenix70]

Harrier,
He had already told his atty we have been separated for a couple of months when in fact it's only going to be a month on Friday.
So I doubt his atty is going to believe him if he says it's been any longer than that.
I did read over the info docs his atty gave him & it says something along the lines of "do not lie and if we find out you did, your case will be dropped with all funds forfeited."
And yes, he's paying for all the atty fees, he wants the D, he can pay for it.

In all honesty I'm scared out of my mind what's going to happen to me, with me still trying to find a job, it feels as the D is moving up too fast.
He wants this D sped up because he just wants to get on with his life, as if he just wants to block out that the last 4 years never happened.
He even said, "why do you want to wait, do you think I'm going to change my mind or something, because I won't."
Then he went on to mock all the 180's I've done, which I had no idea he even noticed I was doing them since I'm doing them for myself.

It feels as if last night triggered something in him, I don't know if it was me getting ready to go out, because he made a point to come knock on my bathroom door to tell me he was going to the store.
He NEVER does that, it was so random.
Then his "hmmmm" response when I told him I was going Christmas shopping, add that to him telling me when I got home, "I was going to talk to you on Sunday, but I want to talk about this now" regarding the D.

And there is NO one else, this is ALL on him, there's no OW to lay blame on.
The D is his choice for his own reasons, reasons that I doubt I will ever fully know.
It seems as if he is intentionally doing whatever he can to keep his guard up around me, now any time he starts laughing with me, I can see the panic in his eyes as he catches himself & stops.
Just last night, as our conversation was winding down, we were talking about something & he said "oh my wife, Mrs. My Full Name" thinks this is funny that I said that, she's gotta be wearing a wire.
He then he grabbed/patted my hips & touched around my stomach to jokingly see if I was wearing a wire, then jumped back when it dawned on him what he was doing.
You would have thought I had shocked him, it was actually kind of funny.

He hasn't told his parents yet, I'm very close with his mom, should I tell them or should he?

[Phenix70]

We just got into a HUGE screaming match, he finally let it all out at me how much he hates me.
That it's been building up for two years, that all those times he said he wanted a D, he really did, even though he went back on his word.
He called me a fat stupid bi88h, that's his go to fall back insult to me.
I said right now I only weigh 10 lbs more than when we met, & he made some rude comment about my Yahoo profile stating I had an athletic build, which I did!
I told him he had no problem with my body back then.

He was screaming at the top of his lungs that he just wants out.
He can't stand to look at me, he can't stand to hear my voice, he hates the very sight of me.
He yelled "I'm not f'ing anyone else!!!! You never did trust me & you never listen" as I screamed at him who is he having sex with (I used the F word.)
It was a wonderful start to my Saturday.

.