Doing 180, but Husband still researched D

[Phenix70]

Hi, I'm new to the board & need some clarity on my 180.
Last week my H & I got into a heated talk, I pushed & told him that it seems he's not happy, that maybe we should look into a D.
I know, bad idea, but that was before I found out about DB.
H agreed & said he wants a D, that he has for some time.
Needless to say I was very upset, but for some reason I didn't fight him about a D.
That day I searched online & found this site, bought DB & DR.
I've fully embraced GAL & I've never felt better in my life, I feel as if I'm in control of myself for the first time in years.

The issue at hand is that I have been doing the 180, taking the dog for long walks everyday when I wouldn't before, going to the gym, when I didn't before, going out to seek new friends from Meetups.com, I've literally turned myself around.
Every time I've gone out, H has asked me where I was going before I left.
In fact, Friday night, after he had been drinking, that he thought it was sexy that I had gone out earlier in the week & he had no idea what I was doing.
Usually when I get ready to go out & he asks where I'm going, I just say "out."
Well last night was the first time I said where I was going, which was Trivia Night at a local tavern.
I left & when I came home he was cold as ice to me, come to find out I saw on the computer history he had researched D on the Internet while I was gone.
I didn't say a word to him, but now I'm torn & worried that me going out is going to drive him to seek a divorce sooner than later.
Help!!

[Phenix70]

Okay, I didn't get any feed back today regarding going out or not, so I'm going to go out.
Hey, one of his biggest complaints about me was that I didn't make any friends since we moved to GA, so this is really & truly a 180 for me to actively seek out new friends.
I hope I'm not making a mistake.

[dbmod]

Hi Phenix70,

Welcome to the divorcebusting.com community! I am wondering what made you choose the 180's you chose. Sometimes folks, just start dressing up and working out, and those are great things, but they aren't exactly related to the issue in their marriage, and they are surprised when they don't get the result they wanted.

What were your husband's issues/complaints about you and/or your marriage? What has changed about you from when you were first in love? (This does not mean everything is your fault, but the idea here is that YOU are the one we are communicating with, and YOU are the one who can effect change here.)


I don't thinkg that going out with meetup groups is the change that you needed, and you may have an indication here that it is making things WORSE. So discontinue this behavior, at least for now. What ELSE can you do that gives you the PMA you are now experiencing with going out?

Let's get specific about the issues, before you make the 180.

Don't bring up the divorce and avoid a relationship talk. If he brings it up, use the time to let him get his feelings out, and JUST LISTEN. Really try to understand his feelings. Do not say, I'm sorry you feel that way. If he asks you if you want a divorce, say NO and drop it. That simply, do NOT go on.

You CAN turn this around.

[Phenix70]

Hi DB,
I 180's I chose were directly related to some of the things I had let go about by myself that were also the same things my H sited for wanting to divorce me.
His exact words to me were:
"Carmen, attractive."
"Carmen, without a job, still attractive but kinda crossing over....."
"Carmen, without a job, staying at home, not working out, on the computer, watching TV, talking on the phone...not attractive."
"I'm not attracted to you any more."

I lost my job in August, I've been consumed with finding a job because of his issues with my finances, he wants all our household bills paid 50/50, I haven't been able to contribute with what I receive in Unemployment.
So my 180's were;
1) Work out= I had not been working out & had gained 25 lbs since we got married in 2008.
2) Make friends= I moved to GA in 2008 right after we got married, I have not managed to make any close friends, I know exactly two people here in Atlanta.
3) Taking dog for walks= I stopped taking our dog for a walk since I've been out of work.
4) Get a job= got fired in August, after getting let go the previous Oct. Finances are a HUGE, HUGE issue for him. As he said to me "how can someone who is so smart, be so freaking stupid about money?"

Long story short, H does not want to work anything out, he just wants out, as he told me over & over again on D Day.
Since that day, last Wednesday, I have not brought up a D, have not discussed our relationship, I have backed off from discussing anything seriously.
I'm literally at my wit's end now, since I thought going out to meet new friends was what he wanted me to do since he was very clear about me finding friends.
This is really confusing to me.

BTW, there is no OW just in case anyone was wondering.

[sandi2]

Hi P70, and welcome to the community. It seems that your H's interest was sparked when you were GAL. The reason he thought it was "sexy" was b/c you were being mysterous. It seems that when the mystery was out of the picture that he changed......or was it b/c of where you were GAL? What do you think? Did you see an immediate reaction from him or was it after he'd been searching D?

It's a funny thing with human beings, we want what we can't have. If we don't want it and then somebody else decides "they" want it.....then we change our minds...

Kind of seems that way with you, maybe?

It's a good thing that you're feeling better about yourself b/c you will have healthy self-esteem, and that will cause you to project self-confidence (which men think is the sexiest thing about a woman)!

Dbmod is right. You need now to look at deeper issues in the MR. I know for me, it was very difficult to look within myself and admit my failures. It was so much easier to blame my H.

Tell us some more about you and your H, like your age, how long together, kids or not.

Come here every chance you get and reach out to others here. It will help to build up a strong support group. You will find so many great eople here.

Read as much as you can. You'll be surprised how the stories began to sound alike. That's b/c we all have something in common.

[Phenix70]

Hi Sandi, I tried to update my signature, but it wouldn't allow me to post anything.
I'm 40, H is 34.
We've been together 4 + years, married 2+ years.
He's in the Army, was prior service in the Navy.
We met in CA when he was just about to get out of the Navy & go into the Army.
Neither of us was looking for anything serious, so it was a surprise to both of us when we fell in love.
That was in 2006, he was deployed to Iraq March 2007-June 2008, we got married July 2008, I moved to GA August 2008.

Regarding H & my Going Out 180, it was really weird, the only other indication that he cared was he would ask me where I was going when I got ready to leave & I would say "out."
Last night I told him where I was going when he asked.
I was gone about two hours, after I got home he was cold as ice to me.
I looked at the computer, saw that about 45 mins before I got home he was looking at divorce sites.
As far as I know, that was the first time he has actually looked into what getting a divorce entails.
That's why my heart just sank when I saw he had looked.

Weird thing, was when he mentioned it was sexy the first time I went out, he also said "I had no idea what you were doing, you could have met another man, you could have gone to the movies, I had no idea what you were doing."
Mind you he told me this out of the blue last Friday after he had been drinking, that was the only time he has brought up me going out.
And now that he knows what I'm doing, he gets all pissy with me.
I just don't get it!
(He also told me later when he was sober not to listen to him when he drinks, since he's not in a right frame of mind.)

Funny thing, the only thing I blame my husband about regarding our marriage is his absolute lack of verbal communication.
I take full responsibility for "letting myself go."
I own that, I know I should have taken better of myself, not been so lazy, been more active.
Just to be clear, he never once said anything about my weight, nothing about my lack of a social network, the only thing he talked about that bothered him was my financial situation.
If he never said he had problems with me, how could I have read his mind, KWIM?

[dbmod]

Hi Phenix,

I notified Virginia about the signature glitch.

Are you shopping too much or mismanaging money? Maybe you could get some help for that. What kind of hobbies do you have? Are there any that would connect you to people during the day, help you make friends?

Often people project their issues on someone else. This might not be right, but something for you to think about: he MIGHT feel very stressed about money because what he makes isn't enough to cover everything, so it might make him feel less adequate. If you are less 'hot' looking, he might be more about how that reflects on him. I don't think giving him compliments will work in this case, but if you thought these things were about his own image, what do you think you could do that might up his image while you are working on finding a job, etc.



(He also told me later when he was sober not to listen to him when he drinks, since he's not in a right frame of mind.)
This is probably wise advice.

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

Phenix -

Welcome to our community. I think the signature issue has been resolved. Please try again.

Virginia

[Phenix70]

Hi DB,
No, I don't shop too much, my finance issues stem from my student loans & outstanding debt to the IRS & the state of CA, total amount owed is about $100k.
The only debt that I don't have much of is credit card debt since I've been working hard to pay it off.
My H doesn't pay any of my debt, I've paid it all, he has been paying all of our rent, our utilities, car insurance & groceries since I lost my job in August, prior to that I paid half of those bills.
Because I haven't had steady jobs in the last 3 years, it's been tough to really get ahead of my debt like I wanted to & therefore we haven't been able to buy a home like he wanted to.
I know he resents me for not being able to buy a home & for us having to still rent.

It's sad to admit, but I have no hobbies since I moved to GA.
When I was in CA, I would take my dog to the beach every day & walk along the bike path.
I would go by myself or with friends, it was a lot of fun.
I spent lots of time with my friends & I rode my horse until I had to turn him out to pasture due to his age.

I'm 40 freaking years old & I have no idea where to start looking for a hobby.
Though I am interested in volunteering for homeless pets/rescues.
Do you think that constitutes as a hobby?

As for how I look, I think you might be onto something, especially since he is in the Army & often you hear stories about wives letting themselves go, it could very well be he was worried that I'm going to get fatter.
Hey, I'll be the first to admit I'm not nearly as hot as I used to be, but I can still turn heads.
I'm 6 ft tall, went from a 12/14 to a 16/18.
For me I know that once I started to gain weight I freaked out & instead of doing something about it, I just turned inward & gave up because it seemed overwhelming.
Now that I'm come out of my weight gain fog, I feel so much better after I work out, I have more energy, I can chase after my dog, I even sleep better.
I've made a promise to myself, I'm not going back to the way I was, I refuse to, I like seeing the results & can't wait to see how strong, healthy & in shape I can get.
Truly, working out has been a life saver for me, it's really helped me focus on me.

[dbmod]

Phenix,

I completely understand that, and I know you will be able to turn this around.

Absolutely helping out with an animal shelter/rescue counts. You could even walk the dogs at a shelter and get the exercise in. You might even make connections for a job. Maybe even at a parks and recs fitness center or a YMCA, and they might trade volunteer time for your free workout membership. You can connect with others that way as well.

Don't beat yourself up on the financials, you are still in better shape than a lot of people right now. Just keep working on improving that situation.

Rather than going out to party, network in different directions (the animal shelter, etc.). That will probably peak his curiosity enough without upsetting him.

The weight will come off, you will feel upbeat. You can get forbearance or deferment on your student loans, and just keep in touch with the IRS.

Stay on the board, and we will walk through this with you.