I can do this...

[glamgirl]

Sorry IB that you are weeks away from a D. OW is a bandaid. If you read statistically about affairs. They don't last forever.

Doesn't mean your h is really in love. He may think this because he is running from the marriage. Hence the confusion. Do you think he really knows what he wants? He doesn't. My h spent almost 4 years in confusion.

Good for you to set some boundaries. Sounds like the conversation went fine and your h has some ah ha moments as in his silence.

[irishblessings]

WS -

Wow - thank you so much! You are very helpful! I find it really amazing that I can lose my way in the midst of MLC craziness!

I need to find my self esteem in being a good person - parent - friend. That does not equate to my H's place!

Thanks again!

[punkin]

Irish,

Just catching up on your thread. First, I think you did a fine job setting your boundaries with H. Second, I agree with others here that OW is a band-aid. It sounds as if she is as damaged as he is. It is like, It's better than being alone, at this point.

Thirdly, and to me most importantly, you are detaching yourself completely from H. That is very confusing, strange, and hurtful to your own psyche. It's like tearing away a part of yourself. All I can say is it is much more peaceful on the other side. Brighter, full of opportunity, friendship with those that matter, love of family.

As hoaky as this may sound, the old adage, " If you love someone, set them free. If they return, they are yours forever," applies here, but I'd like to add a line of my own. If they return and you don't want them, call the police. LOL It may very well happen that way, Irish. The future is not ours to see. (Now I'm into Doris Day lyrics)

It is a painful journey and I completely understand your pain and confusion right now. But, assuming you are having the same experience I just had, it is well worth it coming out the other side. ((HUGS))

[irishblessings]

Punkin -
Help me understand what you are saying here

Thirdly, and to me most importantly, you are detaching yourself completely from H. That is very confusing, strange, and hurtful to your own psyche. It's like tearing away a part of yourself. All I can say is it is much more peaceful on the other side. Brighter, full of opportunity, friendship with those that matter, love of family.

I'm not sure I understand the relationship I should be having with him.

[cat4554]

I called H this evening. Through recent emails and interactions H has had with the kids, I guess I reached a point where I felt I couldn't go on being passive. Initially my passiveness was to avoid interacting with crazy - but it has gotten to the point where I felt as if I abdicated control of the boundaries in my life.

So I called and went through perfunctory items. Then I brought up that I had concerns over the discussions that he had been having with the kids as of late. I said that it appeared to the kids and family and friends that he was reappearing in S's life due to bb season. H acknowledged that he could see why it looked like that but that he was just trying to do the best he could. I said - well here's the deal, I need for you to establish a consistent schedule to see S - 2 days per week. An hour or two each time. Then you need to let S contact you when he wants more interactions. You are pushing yourself on him and then getting agitated when you are not received with open arms. Please give S some space.

Then I said - you know "H" - we have raised these amazing kids together. And we raised them to have values and we've tried to be good role models. I feel it is completely inappropriate for you to bring another woman into their lives when we are not even divorced. You have moved right into another relationship which contradicts all the reasons you said you needed to leave. I told him that his emotional detachment from all of us has caused him not to recognize the impact of his statements. I brought up about him telling the kids they would have "ended up better" if we had made different decisions. How he told S that he had been miserable for 7 years and had been faking it (S felt like that was all of his childhood). H was quiet.

What was crazy was that many of the things I said that were direct quotes from him he denied saying. Like no recollection. He said that he didn't abandon the kids - he just wanted to get away from me. (Ouch).

He said he had been working on himself. That he hadn't planned on meeting someone so soon. I said - "you met her at a bar and from what you've told Ds - she has baggage too." He says - "yes". I said - when you left, you had significant mental health issues. I told him that since he had left I had talked to his C, our MC, and my C and that all had made recommendations for treatment. I said - you will always be these amazing kids' father. I said - WE raised these amazing kids. I said that these kids believed we had a GREAT family - not because of things we had or places we went - but because of feeling safe and loved at home - hanging out on the couch watching movies - singing oldies - playing scrabble - laughing - sharing meals. The things that you have said to them have negated those values. You need to be healthy for them. I said that in NO way did I deserve the things he did to me. He agreed.

So...how do I feel? Sad, sure. But glad that I set the boundary about S - I felt like I was taking control and protecting my son. Yes, I probably didn't handle it perfectly - but it wasn't terrible. I told him that I didn't want him back but that I still didn't believe in divorce. I told him that I really thought he needed time to work on himself - he said he was. I gave him specific examples of his abandonment of kids, etc. He has lied to kids on several occasions - he was quiet on those points. Bottom line - it wasn't ugly. I told him that I could not be his "friend" right now. Friends don't treat friends the way I was treated. But I told him that I had not disrespected him, nor stood in his way. I never blocked his access to kids or whatever. I said that we have not been co-parenting. I have been 24/7. Finally I said - I just want to know what you are seeking with this divorce. Am I going to need to sell the house? What do you want? He said he hadn't completely figured it out.

Why am I posting all of this? Because I really don't know what is right or what is wrong any longer. I used to have a better handle on my values - morals. I am still wearing my wedding band when he is taking his new love to family events. I have a serious problem with him exposing the kids to his new love life when we are still legally married. I want to remember and believe in clean living. Does it exist? Are there people out there who wake up and really want to do the right things? It's been so long since it's been a part of my life.

Sorry for the length of the post. I have to pick up and move forward after several days of taking steps back.

YO!! Irish, I feel like I can say "DITTO" to much of what you wrote.

Hell, I am still wearing my wedding band merely because WHY SHOULD I KEEP MY DIAMONDS IN A BOX ??? I love my ring. Who cares what it doesn't mean anymore. He took his wedding band off years ago.

My reasons for not divorcing honestly is because I don't want that stress level until it is absolutely necessary. He pays my mortgage, I don't want my piggy bank to get depleted. Let him pay his rent & my mortgage. Let guilt do whatever it has to do.

[cat4554]

April 12th I get the most beautiful card from H filled with promises - now I am weeks away from divorce and he is in love.

Yeah, my H told him he didn't have sex until he moved out, yeah right. I am not stupid. I knew what my gut was telling me.
Last November and this past November he gave me beautiful anniversary cards with hand written notes professing his love for me for the next 30 years. 3 weeks later I found him on Plenty of Fish dating site looking for an easy going female to have a long term relationship with.

They are NUTS!!! I am convinced of that. We have been too nice.

[punkin]

Irish,

Of course you've heard the term, this is going to hurt worse before it gets better? I feel like that is what I just went through. For the better part of 10 days, I hurt as badly as I did when this first all happened. Like all the progress I had made just disappeared.

And then, suddenly, as if someone had turned off a switch, the pain was gone. I didn't care what he was doing or with who. Suddenly, all the mini detachements melded together into One BIG BREAK.

Irish, you've had a rough couple of weeks. You have said you've felt as if you have backslid. I don't think so, or at least I hope not. I hope you are at that same point I reached; when the bubble popped and suddenly what was in the past belonged in the past; I had a future to look forward to. With or without him.

This is how it was for me. I thought I had lost all the ground I had gained, and then suddenly, it was so clear. This is my life, my decisions, my game plan. I can't make his, he can't make mine.

What I said was hope that this painful voyage is about to culminate into something far more peaceful that you have had in a very long time. The detachment I feel at this point from my H makes all the others feel miniscule in comparison.

You and I have made this journey pretty much side by side. The peace I have found the past week, I pray you find too. I hope that is what is going on with you now.

[irishblessings]

Punkin - you sound really good. Really strong. Good for you!

I was thinking today about what I would love to be able to say to an OW if I could...

OW,
I don't know who you are....but I know who you aren't:
You aren't the woman who vowed before God, family, and friends that you would love this man til death do you part
You aren't the woman who gave birth to his children
You aren't the woman who sat in the stands supporting him as a player and coach
You aren't the woman who gave up weekends working fundraisers for his teams
You aren't the woman who spent hours helping him catch up at work or organizing his office
You aren't the woman who cooked, cleaned, decorated, shopped, for him
You aren't the woman who maintained communication with family and friends
You aren't the woman who worked to be a partner
You aren't the woman who stood by him while he revealed his sexual deviant behaviors in counseling and went into recovery with him
You aren't the woman who remained faithful to him

I am

All I know about you is that
You are the woman who would sleep with a man before he was divorced


I am not the problem...and there is comfort in knowing that!

[hope for zen]

IB, that was beautiful. You are an amazing woman. Your H is a a thousand kinds of fool.

((()))

[irishblessings]

Thanks Zen - you are TOO kind!

Question for the Board...

How do you share information of new "status" in Christmas cards/newsletters, etc.
We always sent one out and we have a lot of people out of town who do not know.

Looking for language:)