I come from the DB affairs and infidelity page. History June 2009 - wife had said she is done. April 2010 - legally separated. May 2010 - wife makes a lateral move at work ?? July 2010 - introduces my 2 d’s and her family to “ co worker “ friend. They worked directly with each other . Wife is a secretary co worker is a lawyer. Hence her lateral move. Nov 2010 Wife purchased a home with co worker. All of my information I have been getting is from my 5 and 8 year old D’s, how sad it that. The new partner has two kids of his own D 11 and S 14. I am very concerned as to the speed of which this has gone down. I am concerned about the amount of energy my D’s will be getting from their mother after she gives most of it to her new partner and his kids. She was unable to organize day to day structure with two kids ….now 4. Anger is an issue with me. Just because she had a plan for a very long time with the co worker. If she had of moved out on her own for a while then met a partner.. so be it that is what life is all about. I lose a lot of sleep wondering how I will react when I am confronted by this co worker. Again the speed at which this has moved makes me feel my D’s are in grave danger. If anyone has been in my shoes I would appreciate comments are where their heads were. Anger is my enemy….. Stitch.
Sorry to hear of this news. It's clear she is involved with the co-worker. YOu are prob going ot need to talk to her about the role this guy is going to play in your childresn' life.
I am very concerned as to the speed of which this has gone down
First, let me say I am truly sorry this has happened to your family.
That being said, it has been 17 months since your wife has said she was "done". You've been legally seperated 6 months.
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I am very concerned as to the speed of which this has gone down. I am concerned about the amount of energy my D’s will be getting from their mother after she gives most of it to her new partner and his kids.
Nothing you can do about it. It's not even healthy for you to be holding on like this. What I sense is somebody not letting go and frustrated that they can't make somebody else's choices.
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Anger is an issue with me. Just because she had a plan for a very long time with the co worker.
Plan? Define plan. Affair? Perhaps.
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If she had of moved out on her own for a while then met a partner.. so be it that is what life is all about.
It's easy to think that sitting where you are sitting right now. If you haven't let go, it's never easy really.
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lose a lot of sleep wondering how I will react when I am confronted by this co worker
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Stop that. Start living YOUR life and be the best doggon dad on the planet.
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Again the speed at which this has moved makes me feel my D’s are in grave danger.
Again, 17 months is not that fast, and we have no idea when this all really began apparently.
Your daughters in "grave danger"? Give me one valid example of how this is the case? Is the man a pedophile or serial killer?
Or is it that you just aren't letting her go?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You are right, I don't know your sitch, but anger is your enemy in cases like this.
Things seem fast to you, but your W told you she was done a year and a half ago, and was probably done 6 months before that. For her, she has probably been emotionally divorced for two years, while you don't yet feel emotionally divorced. It is a very difficult place to be in, and I feel for you.
But relatively speaking, STBX sounds OK from your post. Lots of WASs buy a house with the OP within days or weeks after moving out or move in directly with OP, your STBX waited much longer. She also seems to have taken time introducing kids to OP. From here, she doesn't really look out of control. The older kids can help with younger kids. Blending families is hard though in any case. But for the sake of your kids, I hope the new family works well. Your kids have two families now. Let us hope both are loving and safe places.
Of biggest concern is that you are learning this stuff from your kids. That puts them in the middle and isn't good for any of them. If you can detach and let go of your anger, perhaps there can be improved communication between you and STBX.
Don't try to control her R with the kids or his R. Wish them well. Intervene only for REAL legally enforceable concerns about safety. OP is already in the step-parent role, not much is going to change that. The best thing you can do is to accept this and genuinely wish them well. More than anything, your kids need to be able to feel safe and loved in both their families without feeling like they are betraying the other parent. Only you can give that to them.
Perhaps you can email STBXW:
"Hi STBXW,
Apologies if I've been hard to communicate with. I hope we can communicate about significant life events that affect our children through email for their sake. In recent months, I've learned through our daughters of your job change, your partner, and your new house. This puts them in the awkward position of being the bearers of such news. I think it would be better for them if I learned such things directly so I'm not taken off-guard. Shall we try to improve communication for the kids?
So let me get this straight. My x hooks up with her boss at work , they have an affair and within a year and a half purchase a home together and you want me to send her a “ friendly email” asking her not to put the girls in the middle of what we are going thru. X did not tell me she was involved with her boss, x did not tell me she was buying a home with her boss and to add insult to injury my girls have just told me “ Moms new friend has his kids full time “ My x who could not run a home with two kids and working part time is now going to run a home with four kids. I’m sure you sense of frustration. Where is my x going to get the energy to not only take care of 4 kids but to put “ hers / ours “ first in the day to day activates , school etc. By me saying sorry in any why shape or form would mean I respect her and that is so far from the truth. If she had of come clean right off the bat about her new “ friend” there may have been a chance (years down the road) we could have been friends. As such she has crossed and burned a bridge which there is no return. Adultery and disrespect will not be forgotten, and yes there will be times where my girls will be effected…. It is called live. Stitch
If you continue to fight a battle that is already over, YOU significantly harm your children without good reason.
I suggested you apologize for being difficult to communicate with. IF you are going to have a decent co-parenting R, you need to be able to communicate.
Anyway, I'm done here. Go ahead, carry your hate, lash it around, hurt your kids. I don't think anything I can say will matter.
Gabbysmom I think what wrenches the guts in both of our situation is the fact they were co workers. I do think you have taken a extra punch to the gut being pregnant at the time this was all going on. This tells you in a roundabout way what kind of individual he is getting involved with.
Any female getting involved with a married man who has a pregnant wife has low self esteem and some serious personal issues. Don’t think for a minute that the day will come when their relationship is straining ( all do ) when she will look in the mirror and say what have I done.
There are co workers where they both work with who will behind their back be talking about all that has happened.
My STBX could not work part time and take care of a home and two children. She is now taking care of a home and four children ( now that scared the hell out of me )
I found out that he has his kids full time an 11 year old daughter and a 15 year old son.
I am at the stage where I do not think about it for three or four days then I will wrestle with it for a day. That seems to be the ugly pattern right now.
I am not sure where you are emotionally but I have found that meeting people in line and chatting about anything other than your situation helps a lot. There are people who will think you are attractive and love the fact you have a great job. You will find you are a popular catch, this will worm your heart and you will say to yourself “ I have a lot to offer and I am popular with men “ . Your confidents will build and you will be happy.
Three great quotes I have found on this site that I have on my office wall. “EXPERIENCE IS A BRUTAL TEACHER, BUT YOU LEARN. MY GOD DO YOU LEARN”
“LIFE IS USUALLY ALL ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLE PLAN B “
My two girls 5 and 8 told me that there mom purchased presents for them to give to me. I have been thinking to myself if the girls make something for me with their own hands I do not have a problem with that. I will not accept anything their mother purchase for them to give to me. I do not want anything from STBX, I mean anything. I am going to tell the girls if they would like to make something for me for x mas that is great. If they would like to purchase something they can go with Grandma ( my mom ) and pick something out. It is what it is. Stitch
No!!!! Don't be a jerk. Your ex is doing the right thing - the presents are for YOUR KIDS to feel good about having a present for you. Until they're old enough to earn their own money and drive to the mall themselves - it is appropriate for the ex to do that - for the kIDS, not for you. OK?
