Need Help on a Decision Fast

[Goodfight]

I need advice really fast. H is proceeding with D after he found out at the hearing last week that he will have to pay spousal support and more child support if he drops me from his benefits.

I have to go to my lawyers tomorrow and either contest or agree.

I read on (edited ) that if you are standing to contest but then on another site it said not to contest and give the MLCer what they want.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Uhhh...

"Not to contest and give the MLCer what they want?"

This is money right? This is about your kids, and their well being.

Contest.

With the MLCer, you give on alot of issues, alot of personal choices and issues. But not on this.

You don't give up your pension, house, car, or wardrobe, hoping it will make them come back.

[Mila]

Goodfight - I agree with Jack, you and your kids come first. You need to protect yourself. I don't mean to be harsh, but our MLC's may or may not comeback, so don't base your decisions on assuming that is coming back.

I know it's hard, we think that if we oppose them we will drive them further away....but sometimes we have no choice but to take a stand...for us and our kids.

(((hugs)))

[Goodfight]

Hi Jack,

Thanks for answering so quickly. He is claiming he won't go after my pension and claims he doesn't have one. And he does. Also he has the wrong year of the car down, which I have been paying and there was a few things in there that he didn't mention at all. It was like he didn't have a clue and was totally out of it when he did this.

For instance, I'm not making it now and he stopped paying what little he was paying on the loans, so I don't know how he thinks I will be able to survive. And he had the car down as a 2001 and it is a 2006, and I can't have any claim on his car that he took from my son that H's grandfather gave to my son.

He turned his truck into the credit union and they sold it for 2 thousand dollars and we owed 7 thousand and ruined my credit. But the joke of all of it is that he said he will give me the house (20 more years of mtg. payments) if I pay the 2 loans we have outstanding.

He has down that the M is irrevabilty broken and that's where I have to contest or agree. Then there is another part for me to check off as far as the agreement to his part in letting me have everything in the house except his grandfather's tools.

Well, sure he will. He has all brand new stuff that he paid cash for but still insists that he is broke.

My lawyer called and told me that he was proceeding with the D but then H showed up at the house for the first time in 2 years and said he wanted to talk. I had a house full of people and told him that I couldn't talk that I was getting ready to go out and he kept asking me for just a couple of minutes and I gave in and went out on the porch. I said what's up and all of a sudden he went crazy. Calling me names again etc. so I went back inside and closed the door and he left. 2 days later he contacted my sister by going to where she works and asked her to please call me and ask me to call him that he wanted to talk.

Well, I didn't call so he kept calling me over and over and I didn't answer then he sent a text that he will try one more time and then he gives up. He called 2 more times so the second time I answered and he said that he wanted to say he was sorry for Sat. night for what he said and did.

Then within a second he made up some story about our D14 texting him and cursing him out about what he did that Sat. Then he came off with 2 lines and it was his step-mother's words to a T. I've heard them over and over again about other grandchildren and H's siblings. H said when D14 is 18 then she can make up her mind and he wants nothing to do with her since she did that. And then he comes off with "you know W you aren't the topic of our conversations. And she said she would never curse at him and I know for a fact she wouldn't. She's been a mess because he hasn't seen her since her birthday on Oct. 21st and that was only for a couple of min. to drop off a card for her and I was working so she had to sit in his car.

Do they actually make things up like that? And then he claims his parents told him it's up to him what he wants as far as the D or not which is NO way true. He has cut me and my S20 down and has made up lies, which I know because he would accuse me of things in the beginning of our S and the step-mother and his father were in the same room.

He had 2 sons from a high school relationship and is very very close to them and that's why I can't and either can our D14 understand because her and H were so close, you couldn't separate them, and I was the one to make sure he saw his sons during our whole M.

Now, what do you think I should do. I know my lawyer said with the property thing it will take 9 to 12 months to settle the D. But I will know tomorrow for a fact. I will have to sell the house because there is no way I can take care of it on my own anymore. I was holding onto it hoping and praying he would come out of the tunnel and stop listening to what other people are telling him to do. He acted sad and everything when he called to say he was sorry and here I had no clue that he filed for the D.

I don't know if he did it out of anger like he did before with a no fault which happened 2 months after separating or what to believe. He admitted to me back then that he was mad that day and that's why he filed. But now this time I really don't know if he was apologizing so I would give him what he wants as far as dropping the spousal and more child hearing which is the 16th or if he regretted filing for the D again.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

He is claiming he won't go after my pension and claims he doesn't have one. And he does.

If he absolutely has one, not just a sneaking suspicision, then well he is lying. Gee Jack great insight...

What I mean specifically about this particular matter, is that you cannot afford to trust him in this matter.

You cannot naively believe he will not go after your pension, he or his lawyer.

Is what he is doing a tactic?

I do not know.

If he regrets the D he can stop it.

On your part?

His recent actions, and reaching out can be for many different reasons, but, most likely either because he wants you to drop spousal and child support, OR because of YOUR withdrawl of sorts.

Giving in on the spousal and child support, I do not think is in your best interest, or your marriage.

Will it upset him?

More than likely if that is all this is about.

[Goodfight]

Thanks Jack and Mila. I'm not giving up on the spousal or the child. It's just like that's all he cared about was money since the beginning of this MLC. He left claiming he wanted to have cash to pay for things and in his pockets to spend, well he had that for a while and he still wants it, cause that's all I hear about is how broke he is, he has no clue to what broke is.

The hard part is on the form it asks if I think the M is irrivability broken but in order to contest the D I have to say I disagree. And that is the way I feel, I feel he got too many people involved (mostly his family) and doesn't know how to get out of the mess he made by lying about me.

But then again, he does believe the lies he tells sometimes. I don't know how they do it.

Jack, how long did it take for you and your W to start to reconcile? I can't remember if there was a D filed or not with your sitch.

I have my meeting at 3 tomorrow so anymore advice or thoughts I would appreciate it. I think he will crap when he finds out I can't keep the house, cause I can't afford it or maintain it by myself. H thinks that is what I want......the house and that's it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Good,

There was no D filed, or paperwork.

My situation was lucky in that her MLC wasn't longer than I could outwait it. Seperation was for awhile about a...year and a half while we pieced, and have been and still do...if you aren't always piecing or DBing?

pffft...welcome back.

[Goodfight]

I'm afraid as far as DBusting goes on these forms.

I have to check off whether

A I do not oppose the entry of a divorce decree
or
B I oppose the entry of a divorce decree because and the only option I have on this if I check it off is because the M is not irretrievably broken. Because we have lived apart for 2 years so I can't choose that one.

I really need help on this one. Will it push H away if I oppose the D or will it show him that I'm willing to try to save this M.

Or do I go the other way and pick I do not oppose the entry of a divorce decree and just wait it out to see if he changes his mind and wants to work things out?

I'm really confused on this one everyone. Advice please.

[Goodfight]

I don't plan on dropping the spousal or the child support either way.

[courageous wife]

Good

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any right answer. What does your gut tell you? IF you check the box that says that you don't agree that the marraige cannot be fixed...will they require marraige counseling? Does your H believe in that? Sometimes couseling does more harm than good....

I went thru this too and decided that counseling would do no good! H does not believe in counselors and I felt that would make him more determined...he filed in Feb 09 and is just now getting things going due to a new L taking over as his old L took on another job.

No matter what you check...if your H is determined to go thru with this D, it will happen no matter which one you choose. I am sorry if this isn't much help!