Is it a MLC? A Personality Disorder? Or is my H just Mean & NUTS?
I have posted on this thread and on the infidelity thread before and I can't believe I am back on here. I assumed my H and I were working on our marriage although he kept saying he wanted to take it slow. When I questioned him about this sometimes he would say, "I want to take it slow to see how it goes then I will decide." DECIDE WHAT? To leave me AGAIN after you found someone else? He would always say the same thing, "You are letting your imagination run wild, how many times have I told you want I mean?" Truthfully, he never wanted to clarify what he meant and I didn’t pursue it because he would ask if we could “table it” for another time so we wouldn’t argue. That day never came.
Since Oct. 30th things were going good. We even celebrated our 30th anniversary together in early November. He wanted to go someplace that had good memories for us. Once again he gave me a lovely card with a handwritten note saying how the past year was turbulent but the future will be better. He professed his love for me. Note ** He did this last year as well then within a month he was cheating on me. **
Well guess what, I found him on Plenty of Fish, a dating on line site. I was playing around on that site only because my friends, male & female, have commented on it in a laughing way. I was curious to see what these people were like. So first I pretended to be a man searching for a woman and then a woman searching for a man. OMG!!! Was I shocked when I found my husband on there looking for a long term relationship? His 2 photos were from this past summer. After much discussion with friends I decided to make an account to respond to him, thus letting him realize that I found out he is on here.
Do you know what his response was, “this is awkward, and I never thought we would be exchanging emails on this site?”
That was it. He has not called me or emailed to apologize or offer any explanations.
He never came for Thanksgiving. Obviously I didn’t want him there, same for Christmas.
He did say to our 23 year old son when he chatted with him on Thanksgiving, “take care of your mom, I know she is upset with me.”
THAT’S IT ??? We separated March 2010. July 1st he said he wanted to reconcile. Since then I was working on me and our marriage. I had a goal. I assumed by what he said that he did too. I will admit, sometimes my gut was not feeling easy. I couldn’t put my finger on it. At times I felt that he wasn’t 100% sure he wanted to be back yet when confronted he claimed he did.
When I think back, his behavior towards me and our marriage has not been great. Back in May, he admitted he had an emotional affair with a co worker 19 years ago. I know he had one again, these past 3 years with a much younger co worker besides having his affair with another co worker. As my sister said, “he was a great father & friend but a good husband?”
Sure he provided for us and I do have good memories intertwined with bad ones.
I never felt like I meant a lot to him. That would take forever for me to explain.
That is why I question, is he in a mid life crisis, does he have a personality disorder or is he just MAN & NUTS?
Hey cat, I almost put this on my thread, because I am struggling with a lot right now too. This is a second separation for me, so your post really resonated with me. I saw your post on getting answers though, and decided to put it here. Holidays are draining, so I think that is why maybe there are more views than posts right now.
Originally Posted By: cat4554
Is it a MLC? A Personality Disorder? Or is my H just Mean & NUTS?
I don’t know if the diagnosis matters, and to be honest, I don't have an answer. Here is my .02 anyway though...
I think that for someone to go through a full blown MLC there are long standing problems just below the surface. Maybe they have addictions, are passive aggressive, or have low self esteem… the list goes on and on.
Whatever their issues may be, it all comes down to the out-of-control spouse ends up having two parts to their personality. One part at least wants to be good, and one part just isn't good or healthy or loving at all. I think most, if not all LBS’s saw glimpses of that second part long before the bomb.
Anyway, our spouses spend the first part of their lives hiding that shadowy second part, but never really dealing with it. Just repressing it and faking it for everyone around them.
Then one day, they just can't do it anymore. They give up trying to be a good person and embrace the view that they are a victim and should get what has been denied to them for so long.
They don't care who gets hurt, all they can see is how much they gave when really they didn't want to.
So they take.
And take.
And take some more.
‘Cause after all, they gave so much before. They are entitled to this now, right?
Eventually, they may look around and realize that no matter how ‘good’ they were (or are), they really are not entitled to what they “took” from those around them.
Then again, they may not.
Ever.
We, as LBS cannot know if they will ever learn to be the person they want to be or not. We can’t do it for them. That is hard because we can see so clearly the hurt they cause everyone, including them. They have to dig deep and face things they don’t want to face. They have to do this alone.
I am coming to the realization too, that the MLC spouse wanting to come home or not is also a separate issue. Someone who isn’t done may want to return to the safety they once had with their spouse, but still not have dealt with the things that drove them away in the first place.
I am coming to believe that for a marriage to be healed, the MLC spouse not only has to decide they want to come home, but must have also dealt with what drove them away.
Zen gave you a great explantation, I believe she is dead on with her explantion.
Trying to figure out all the issues that must be navigated with a MLC is difficult at best.
Sometimes the issues are not resolved until later in the crisis because the MLC'er does not have all the tools they need until that time. The LBS'er must keep working on themselves and keep learning their lessons because the MLC'er will continue to test the LBS and any weakness will be exposed.
Hey cat, I almost put this on my thread, because I am struggling with a lot right now too. This is a second separation for me, so your post really resonated with me.
A second separation from the same spouse ? If so, that is very similar to me. He never moved back but we did see a lot of each other from July 1st thru Nov. 18th. Then BAM !!! I accidently found him on a dating website looking for a long term relationship.
First, I don't know how to reply to a few quotes in one reply from me. Sorry.
Anyway, Zen, your words did help as best it could be. Thank you Warriorshadow and Cadet as well.
As my oldest son has been saying to me since the spring, " Mom, it is what it is. Dad can't be truthful with you because he is not being truthful to himself. It will get better but I don't know what better is. But it will get better."
Honestly, I have been reading and trying to follow the teachings of Buddhism. How did that get started? I am a special education teacher and this year I am doing in class support for a world history class and we have been doing comparative religions.
It has been very useful. The philosophy / teachings is basically the same as what my Life Teacher taught me. Be patient, no expectations, make yourself happy.
After a lot of reflecting, I can't help but think this has been brewing a long time. So that is why I wonder, is it truly a MLC, a personality disorder or is he just a monster although he wasn't before. He was a great father & friend but so so as a husband. I still accepted him for who he was because, afterall, we are not perfect. I just can't over how can he say he loves me then is looking for a long term relationship.
I just can't over how can he say he loves me then is looking for a long term relationship.
My H told me 2 weeks ago that he loves me (that was the first time he has said I love you since the bomb dropped July 3rd) and he is STILL in an emotional/physical relationship with the OW.
They are confused, depressed and looking for themselves. They are insane. period.
I really do think my H loves me. but he needs to figure out how to "fix" himself and all of his issues that have nothing to do with me before he can even think of our R problems.
It sucks, really truly sucks. but it is what it is and there is NOTHING you can do about it. You are only in control of one thing - standing for your R or letting go and moving on. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. and I have been told by some really good people on this site that I am the only one who will know when I am done. I chose to stand right now, but I guess I will know when I am done. Hopefully, I can outlast the MLC...but if I can't, I am okay with that too. It will be okay.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I am done !!! I worked so hard on myself in order to improve on me and our marriage. Whereas he did NOTHING!! I am on medication for depression since I was very close to having a nervous breakdown back in April. I can't do this anymore. It just isn't worth it to me. Really, after much reflection, he never sided with me, even with our sons, he took their sides when reprimanding them, thus they always looked at mom as the WITCH. He is stubborn. Over the course of our 30 year marriage, we have been to marriage counseling 4 different times with 4 different people, 2 men and 2 women. Each session lasting 8 weeks. I made a mistake. The first gentleman we saw flipped out on my H, "I can see why your W gets frustrated with you. You are so stubborn, you are making me crazy." HMMMM...see, the problems of him never wanting to step into someone's shoes to get their perspective made that session last 3 weeks. He has to be right all the time where I am concerned. Another male counselor said to us, " do you always have to be right ?" All I have been doing since this whole nightmare began, years before he moved out, is think. Reflect and think.
Yes, he loved me as the mother of his children and to some extent as his partner. But when my mother died in 1997, he wasn't there for me emotionally. He has walked out on us numerous times when the boys were little staying in hotels or never knowing where he was.
Gee let me think, how many birthdays and holidays did he ruin because he was mad at me for something stupid. Like me hiring someone to do work around the house since he complained he was so tired and wanted time to himself. He never appreciated anything I did for him. 4 years ago, I came into some money. I treated my husband and sons and their girlfriends to a week vacation in St. John. $10,000, I paid and I never even got a kiss no less be intimate. My 50th birthday party was 6 years ago. All I wanted was a party. I did all the ground work. All he would have to do was make a phone call. NADA. People offered to help him..."MA will be very hurt if you don't give her a party." He said nothing, would not accept anyone's help.
So you see, these are some things from my past that make me question, personality disorder, MLC or just mean & nuts.
Yes, I will admit, he grew up in a family of 6 kids. He was the second oldest but the oldest son. His dad died when he was 13. He had 3 newspapers to deliver and had to give his money to his mom. She was very controlling and religious. The whole family is cold and insensitive. I tried to be understanding. Really I did. But all the professionals said to me from Life Coach to therapist to psychiatrist, " stop making excuses for him."
I really believe it was Divine Intervention that made me find him by accident on Plenty of Fish ( the dating website). It said to me, " Wake up Stupid and Smell the Coffee." " He is NOT into you !!!"
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
