Where do I start? First, let me apologize in advance for my post being ‘all over the place’. It just happens to be the way things are going for me lately. I used to be able to gather my thoughts in writing, but I seem to have lost that. This is unfortunately the 3rd time I have had to deal w/ WAW. This time feels a lot different. She is more distant and seems like the door has completely shut. I can't put my finger on what is so different this time (other than it being the 3rd) We are living as roommates w/ D5 & D7. I have been working w/ DB coach, but I am in a block mode right now. I am also taking a Dialectic Behavior Therapy class to work on my behavioral issues that, surprise, led to the WAW. I feel stuck and can't seem to get out of my own way. W just left town on business and while sitting at the dinner table w/ my D&D, FIL, MIL and my wife's uncle, she proceeded to smother the kids with goodbyes along with everyone else and didn't even look my way. I know it had to be noticed by everyone else. I tend to act w/o thought and when faced with adversity, I just continue to drill on my wife looking for some kind of answer and when she shuts down, (which doesn't take too long) I continue to drill her. I do and always have wanted to know the whys of everything that goes on and I am trying to understand that there isn't always an answer. I am trying to learn how to be ‘mindful’ of others thoughts and feelings. I am way too reactionary when it comes to my kids and my wife. I tend to raise my voice(my bi-polar mother was a yeller) to get their(the kids) attention. I hope through future posts, I can get my thoughts gathered more concisely, but right now, I am feeling a bit panicked and just want to reach out through the forum and hopefully can get a little more grounded. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I have my next appt. w/ my DB coach on Tuesday, but I’m kinda freaking out since I only have 1 left and can’t afford to get any more. Thanks in advance for listening. I have read quite a bit on the post and know there is a lot of good advice out there. Can anyone help with the signature part? It tells me I'm using too many characters and I am just trying to type in my 'bio' info.
Welcome! I will see what I can do with your signature.
I'm really glad you joined us, and I'm proud of you for getting the therapy you need. You have an intense road, a lot to work on. It's ok. It isn't easy. Not remotely. It IS doable.
It's extra unique to work on this therapy while trying to repair your marriage. Be good to yourself. Be gentle on yourself. Are you getting meds as well? You may need them, but I assume your therapist is on top of that. My clue is I used to be able to gather my thoughts in writing, but I seem to have lost that. Keep trying. A journal will be very valuable to you.
The behaviors you described that push your wife away have to stop for your situation to change. That isn't going to be easy for you to do. You are going to want to react. But each time you stop yourself, you will get more empowered, and you will feel good about yourself. And that will help you the NEXT time you stop yourself.
This is a great community with lots of folks willing to help. So realize there is hope. LOTS of it.
Thank you. I can assure you that being good and/or gentle on myself is not something I am doing very well right now. I am very thankful to see that you responded to my post tonight. I was in a pretty bad place. I get a text from my wife just as my DBT class is starting asking me 'when I get a minute this evening, can I have the kids call her.' It hit me pretty hard on the wings of her leaving without saying goodbye. I realize now that I should have been proactive and said goodbye to her. I was actually anticipating what happened, happening, so it's quite possible she read my body language and then proceeded to leave. Anyway, I had the kids call her and sure enough, she ended the call w/o asking to talk to me. It's the first time I have had to deal with that since she doesn't travel often. It was a stressful night w/ the kids by myself getting home late from class and then homework, etc. and then the phone call. I am on meds, however, I think that I need some adjustment. It turns out that I had a rash a couple months ago, which is a side affect from the anti-anxiety meds I was taking before and since they couldn't really determine what the rash was from, they put my last med on my allergic to list. I had been on it for almost 5 years. I have been on my new meds for onl;y a couple months and have been feeling pretty anxious of late. I may be overwhelming myself with DB'ing, therapy and DBT class. I need to find some direction. I am speaking with my DB coach tomorrow, but like I mentioned, I only have 1 more session. I am hoping that through this forum, I can somewhat replace her until I can possibly afford more sessions. I was hoping that I was only going to need 6 since the last 2 times I had to deal w/ WAW, we were back together in just a couple months. I have a feeling I am going to be using this resource A LOT.
Had a good session w/ my DB coach this morning. I was made to realize that I rely on my W for my happiness. It makes sense now that she would say,"Damned if I do, damned if I don't" I am going to approach her with what I learned today when she gets back from her trip tonight.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Had a good session w/ my DB coach this morning. I was made to realize that I rely on my W for my happiness. It makes sense now that she would say,"Damned if I do, damned if I don't" I am going to approach her with what I learned today when she gets back from her trip tonight.
Did your DB coach tell you to approach your wife with this information?
I am so overwhelmed right now with everything in my life, dealing with adjusting to new meds, taking DBT class, WAW and 1 thing I had yet to mention was that I was a self medicator. I smoked A LOT of pot behind my wife's back. I haven't touched in over 3 months. My DB coach thinks, and I agree that I hit a wall recently after coming off the 'high' of my self realization and 'good place' I thought I was in when I decided to take charge of things, right before my wife dropped the, "I'm not happy, I want a divorce" bomb. I initiated the changes right before the s... hit the fan. Obviously, I sensed it coming. We are still living together and even sleeping in the same bed. It's awkward, but I'll take it. Just got off the phone with my Drs office. Added another med to help with sleep and hopefully my mood. We'll see.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
