The best DBers will have NO FEAR of D!

[newmama]

I get something finally and I think it's one of those things where you can't just tell someone to "get it" like my DB coach and other posters tried to tell me a year ago (who were all men, btw!)

OK. Don't be afraid of divorce. If you are afraid, you can't do the real DBing you are supposed to in order to take charge of yourself and what you respect and need and show your spouse you are serious about changing.

The divorce talk comes up. Yep, how many times? Have no fear, don't walk on egg shells, continue to DB and show you are a catch and are cleaning up your ways, and your actions will make them pause and think. I mean you don't need to push the divorce through if you don't want, but you just respond "I understand you feel that way." and let them talk and you don't really fight or anything, and then you change the subject.

The divorce papers arrive. Ok so they filed. Same thing applies as above. Heck, you can not DB 100% to save your marriage--I know that sounds strange, but you DB to improve yourself. The side effect is that your spouse will notice and wonder if s/he will be making a huge mistake.

The paperwork gets submitted.
After some time and fighting (or not)- you are divorced.

This happened to me (no fighting though), and I can tell you that the emotional heartache and damage was done waaaaaaaay before the actual paperwork. Heck, my exH even said he will always have doubts and I think that has A LOT to do with the fact that during the limbo and by DBing, I showed him things he had no clue I would ever change or improve!


I have realized that I wouldn't want a damaged marriage anyway. If exH and I end up together years later, a new marriage would be more appropriate anyway.

Meanwhile, he is on his journey with OW so I guess it means I am on mine with this life. And I have a roadmap to this life because I learned how to do it through DBing primarily and then from seeing the proof from all of the supportive peers here on the DB forum.

[Piano]

Nice one Newmama!
I think this is very true. Being afraid of D means you spend so much energy avoiding the work that needs to be done; in a word: moving forward.

[newmama]

Yes, moving forward but also truly doing work that you need to change for you...the flaws you brought to the marriage and/or the flaws you have as a person...building your own life so that when/if you reconcile you will be a whole person on your own that can bring more to the relationship...and growing the confidence in being proud of who you are and your attributes that makes you so attractive to others!!

[newmama]

I copied this from Mystik's thread, and it was posted by True Gritter, who copied it from DB Yoda on someone else's thread:

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.