Me: 31 Husband: 31 Married: 10YRS Son: 10 Daughter: 7 Together: since we were 15 Husband left: June 11th and moved things out in August
Hello, I am new here and thought I would share my story as input would be great. I have watched my husband sink into depression further and further for the past two yrs. He has drank hisself stupid and wants to go play with his friends and go to the bars all the time. The last time he didnt come home till last call I told him to leave if he was so unhappy. He did and did not come back. Two yrs ago we both lost our jobs, house, and everything that we had. He also hit a deer on our harley and almost died due to drinking and driving. All he wanted to do towards the end is drink and play. He still hangs with my family and our friends. He is close to my dad and I am close to his mom. He is renting a house from my dad that is across the street from my gramma. We are taking care of the kids as a team and sharing and that is going well. The communication is almost daily but never about our relationship. All I hear if it is about our marriage is that I am a good woman and should move on and that he is unhappy and doesnt know why. He has said he wants a divorce cause it would never be like it was now but has not done anything towards making that happen at all. I have talked with someone and know my options but I dont want this and if I can do anthing to save my marriage I will. He is the only one I have ever been with and feel like this is all happening for a reason. He holds all emotion in so I feel like all the bad is just in him boiling. He wont talk to anyone as far as a therapist cuz there is no way he is depressed according to him. He is extremly grouchy at work and doesnt really care about anything anymore at all. Everything he does and says is out of character. I dont beleive its another woman as everyone we know we know together or is my family. It is possible but my gut is telling me he is miserable and just doesnt know why or how to fix it. I think he thought or may still think its our life but hasnt figured out he is more miserable than ever. I have been trying to do things for myself and finding me as I dont think I have ever been just me. He is losing his hair and growing a beer belly and that was really bothering him also. I just dont know what to think or how to fight this. I feel so helpless. I really miss him and our lil family. Doing my best to put on a happy face and only show the pain when the kiddos are in bed. I have lots of support but they all know us or are divorced so the ones I really need are negative most of the time. I am hoping to gain some encouragement here. I have read the divorce remedy and have been doing everything wrong so switching that all up right away. God give me strength.
Thanks for reading and hope to hear what you think.
Welcome to DB. Sorry you are here but you will find this a wonderful place and get lots of help.
This portion of the forum will not get a much traffic as newcomers or MLC so if you do not get as many responses you might want to move over to one of those forums to get more help. Also holidays and weekends are a little slower.
I see you also posted to IMLIN on the MLC board. She does not post here too much and that thread is stickied to the top for encouragement to people like yourself.
Depression is very tough to deal with.
You must let your husband go. You should look in the mirror and see those things that are wrong with yourself and work on them.
Actions speak louder than words. Learn to close your mouth and keep your eyes and ears open.
What activities do you like to do? Get out and do some of those things. (GAL=Get a Life)
You must give him space. You must learn to love her from a distance.
HAve you ever heard of if you love someone enough you let them go, if they don't come back they were never your to begin with? This is what you must do. No Begging, pleading, yelling. That is unattractive.
You must be the BEST MOM that you can be. That is the most important thing right now.
Welcome to divorcebusting.com! My heart goes out to you, you have a very tough situation.
You have some positives:
We are taking care of the kids as a team and sharing and that is going well. The communication is almost daily but never about our relationship.
Divorce Remedy has a chapter on dealing with depression, and your library probably has a copy. You have more than depression going on here, but there is a lot you can still do. You don't have a guarantee, but miracles do happen all the time, and real love often brings about that miracle.
There are great things about you doing this. His depression and your feeling hopeless i'm sure really affects your children as well. Finding active ways to positively affect the situation teaches them great skills. So let's do this.
One great technique is to FOCUS ON THE EXCEPTIONS (p244)
"Life isn't always bleak, even for depressed people. there are moments, hours even days when the depression seems to slip into the background. The problem is, your partner fails to notice these exceptions and fixates on the times when s/he feels down. This "half-empty glass" perspective compounds the pro blem in that it makes your spouse's bad feelings seem even worse. You can help your spouse build a more objective view of things by catching him/her in the act of being happier, more involved, more upbeat, and subtly bringing it to his/her attention."
"Do the things you would do if you felt more confident that your spouse was ok or that there would be light at the end of this depression tunnel. Just start acting more confident and watch what happens."
Do this especially if you feel you've been walking on eggshells around him. Again, there are examples in the book.
Hang in there, we are here to help you. You are not alone.
Thank you for responding. Today was our first holiday apart. I spent the day with family at my grandmas and he rents he the house across the street from her. He talked to my cousin and said he was working. he called my cuz when he got home and he walked the kids over to see him and my daughter made him a plate of food. so crazy all of this. i try to be as upbeat andpositive at all times. kids r so smart tho. like on the way to grammas me and the kids are singing to the radio and out of nowhere my daughter tells me (shes 7) to not think about dad. i said what? and she said i thought about him too for a minute. you was thinkin about daddy right? I just am honest as i can be at all times and said yes. I asked how she knew and she said you was doin this and made a funny look on her face. so sometimes i slip. the kids ask to pray at night before bed and they take turns praying that dad will be happy again and come home. breaks my heart. I love read and am gonna start going to barnes and noble, drink starbucks and read my nook. I got my nose pierced cuz i have always wanted to but he never liked it. i love my job and playin with the kids. we have been going skating and just trying to keep them busy and me doing fun family things. sometimes we will go to movies. just taking one day at a time,sure wish i didnt think about him all the time. how are you all doing? I know everyone here is hurting and whoever is reading this I am praying for you. Life should be happy and it will be again. everything happens for a reason. i do beleive that. if stuff like this didnt happen then we would take for granted all of the good in life. I am thankful for what I do have. Its still an awful lot moer than some have.
thank you for responding. writing in here and having people understand the pain i feel right now is so comforting. i try to be upbeat as my kiddos count on me. me and my daughter do our nails now every two weeks. i am gonna start going to barnes and noble and drink starbucks, and read my nook. i love to read so gonna make that one of my priorities. i got my nosed pierced too. i have always wanted to but he never liked that so i never did. i just hope he figures out whatever it is he needs to so that he can be happy again. that is what i want, his happinesss. sad thing is he thinks his life was making him unhappy but he isnt doing any better now either. thanks for listening. Jewells
Thank you for responding. I have been doing things like taking my daughter to do our nails and taking both kids to do fun things when I have them. I also love to read so I am going to start going to Barnes and Noble, drink starbucks, and read my nook! I have never been on a road trip without H before so I have taken a week off of work after Christmas and I am taking the kids to Colorado to visit my mom in law. She is my best friend and my H has no time for her anymore either. He is an only child so her heart is broken for sure. I have never been just me, it has always been me and him so I am learning to do things I enjoy as my life has always revolved around H and then H and kids. It is comforting to write how I feel in here but also wonderful to have responses from people who feel the same way or are going through similar situations. For whomever reads this thank you. I also am thinking of you and hope that your life turns out the way you want. Thanks, Jewells
