Hope it's not too late

[Denver_2010]

Isn't there a waiting period for divorce in your state? There is 90 day waiting period here in Colorado. I figure that the longer I can put that off the better, but even if it is filed I still have 3 months.

[what next?]

I wish that she had found this site instead of me honestly. That's why I went ahead and sent her the link to Michelle's WAW video on youtube last night. I don't know if your husband's changes will stick but I know that for me, I am a completely different person than I was 6 months ago. This experience humbled me in a way that I never could have been any other way. Getting on meds for my anxiety at the same time was really helpful because my brain was physically changing at the same time that I was doing so much self reflection and trying to truly understand how I failed as a husband. My problem was that when my wife would bring stuff up she was talking largely about symptoms of the problem rather than what the real problems were. She never once mentioned the thought of leaving until Dday. Never once indicated that she was nearing that level of unhappiness. Now she is moving full speed ahead with divorce (she said last night that she hasn't been stalling but that the lawyer is taking a lot of time.) I just feel like everything that I do is wrong. When I give her space she seems to get farther away and when I try to talk to her she always pulls me into an argument. I want her to understand that it is my fault that we are where we are but at the same time if she doesn't learn to communicate then she will only end up in this same spot with her next relationship. I think that is what the WAW term refers to. I don't think that it is meant to be derogatory towards the wife it just means that once you reach your point of no return you walk away. The reason why you get to that point is largely the fault of the husband not understanding what is actually wrong until Dday. And I don't really think it's a "fault" but rather just the difference of perception between men and women.

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

[Denver_2010]

Allie - All I can say about the LBH and why he would wait until the bomb is dropped to do the right thing is this... we men are obstinate. Sometimes it takes a catastrophic even to make us wake up and realize what is actually going on around us. I can't tell you what to do, but if you are at all open to saving your marriage, give your H a chance to PROVE to you that any changes he makes are PERMANENT and for the RIGHT REASONS. If they are not, then things will most likely go back to the way they were. Only you can make the choice as to whether or not you give him this chance. I hope and pray that my wife give me this chance.

[what next?]

How do I validate her feelings when what she wants is a divorce?

[allie12]

I've been married for 18 1/2 years, and have two kids. I see your point about the communication thing. However, I do feel that he knew that I was unhappy, he just didn't want to deal with it. He was always so uptight and stressed and I just kinda floated around waiting for him to notice me. Even after he had been on the pills for a year. Dont get me wrong is was better and could sleep and sleep and sleep. But he was still rude to me and the kids. I think it was March of this year, he was driving down the driveway and I had my own panic attack. When he came in he started yelling and I looked up and thought is this it, is this all there is. A couple weeks later he got into it with our son about chores, and he was right to be upset, but he flew off the handle and my daughter called me at work to say please come home they are throwing stuff. My son packed to leave and my H says wait I don't want that At this same time I was already backing way off and hardly speaking. He tried to talk to me a few times and I just couldn't talk about it. When I finally could I asked to see a counselor, I thought maybe we could try to work and make it better. He said fine he thought I was depressed and needed to be put on drugs. He said he didn't need it but if I really wanted him to go he would. Here is the catch he didn't really want to go, he said he realized he been a complete aZZ for the last 18 years but after our son said he wanted to move out, he decided to change, so no more yelling. After about 4 weeks something was said about him joining me and he said he didn't want to go. A couple more weeks went by and I said that I was quiting, because there was no point doing MC with just me. That scared him I think, he said wait a minute you never said I had to go or that it was MC, I thought you were just working on yourself. Anyway we are in WC and they are having us go through the motions for couple of months. I guess the point is to see if I can do it.. If I can I guess I am suppose to stay if not I leave?? Really not sure. I don't like it it's very fake and it freaks me out. My H is really good at it sorta, he comes in and says hi sweethart, love of my life really really sweetly.. This from a man I barly got hi babe out of before, it feels really fake. He's complaining that I'm not trying because I don't do the same thing. I try I really do but when he starts the fake stuff, I just can't I want to be real. He isn't really talking to me now because of it. Anyway I am sorry for ranting I do realize there are two sides to every story and I haven't been the best W. All I ever wanted was for him to respect and love me and for 18 years I ajusted to his every mood. I worked harder at work, I thought if I did really well he would be proud of me, he never really noticed not even when I started making really serious money. I would try to talk to him and he would say I didn't know how to have a conversation and he wouldn't talk to me. He bought what he wanted but made me feel bad if I bought anything. I felt like an outsider in my own family. I could go on and on and on.. I'll stop now.

[Denver_2010]

How do I validate her feelings when what she wants is a divorce?

This is what I told my wife just last night to her saying that she planned to file for divorce soon. I got it off of a different thread. Forget who posted it as a suggestion.

"I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."