HI, I just caught my husband of 10 years talking with anther women on facebook this past sunday. He says it was just someone to talk with and he did delete her form his friends list. We have been struggling the last several months but I never thought it would come to this. He says is is confused and doesn't now what he wants. He says he feels trapped and even mentioned us seperating (with no intention of divorcing) I said it was a horrible idea and he has not brought it back up. He says this other women would listen when I wouldn't and told him great things about him while all I did was tear him down. He says he still loves me but is tired of the cycles we go through....great for a while and then back to fighting, and thinks we have grown to far apart to fix things. Honestly we have a pretty great marriage compared to many of our friends. He has been stuggling the last 2 years with depression and anxiety issues that are being treated with meds but not very well. He cycle through wanting major change a lot. Wanting to change jobs, move, sell the house, by investment property but it was never been with our marriage. I almost feel like he is having a breakdown and is completely lost. We have a 5 and 3 year old and to the outside world we have it all. I also thought that I just ordered the book divorce busting but need to know what to do right now. We just started attending therapy 2 months ago but it has been little help so far. We are still sleeping in the same bed and he says he loves me but I am terrified he is going to make a rash dicision in his fragile state....he appears to be having panic attacts.
Please tell me what I should start doing now to save may marriage.
First, you try hard to become the girl he fell in love with. If you will listen carefully, he's telling you what he needs. It's not the OW he needs, but what she's providing.
Buy Divorce Remedy ASAP. There a some chapters here on the board.
Here's a list for you to work toward while you are waiting on the book. These things may seem rather odd or even opposite from what you think one would do in order to save the M, but it would probably make you appear much more interesting and even a bit mysterous to your H.
Here you go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Don't backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Let me give you a formal welcome to this community! Sandi2 is one of our wisest members, she is a success story and has given you great advice.
Divorce Remedy IS Divorcebusting but it is upgraded, with chapters on special circumstances, such as depression, and that's why Sandi2 recommended it.
The reason issues like depression are special with relation to DB, is that it can take longer, require a LOT more patience and maybe more of an open heart.
You are going to find a lot of advice on this site. We know that people change ALL THE TIME. Situations change all the time. And the best way to affect that change in your favor is to change your own behavior. Because behavior is cyclical (you do something that triggers him doing something that triggers you doing something...and so on). All you have to do is change the cycle. Seems simple, and it is. And it isn't. But you can do it. We're here to help.
Welcome RB, holidays and weekends are usually slow around here but keep updating and journaling.
That list from sandi2 is pretty long and overwhelming, but start with some of those things and get to work. While doing your 180's and making changes be careful not to 180 into someone you are not or do not want to be. The changes should be real, and should help you be a better person for life in general.
One of the problems I had with my H was simple terminology. The words 'moving on with or without' seem harsh, almost an ultimatum. I alway liked the term 'moving forward while leaving room for H to join me'.
Suround yourself with people that will support your decision to stay in your M if that is what you are trying to do.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks so much for the support! We traveled to family for the weekend (4days) and it was good. He seemed distant but not negative and even talked about the future...getting furnture from my mom's to fix up an office in the house for him. I was very hopeful until we were driving home. Said he felt sick and just doesn't know if we can get back to where we were. He even mentioned again if we would be happier if we were seperated. I have been doing the 180 and tring my best not to breakdown. His family is coming this weekend to visit for his graduation and we are planning a get together with friends on saturday. I suggested we watch a movie tonight and he agreed and is now acting calm and ok. It is just so hard dealing with his moods. I know he is so lost and I feel so bad for him also. I feel his depression is not being treated properly and he is having anxiety attacks and just can't think clearly. Thanks for listening.
Said he felt sick and just doesn't know if we can get back to where we were.
That could have been a reaction from all the emotional pressure he felt from being around family/relatives 4 days.
He knows you very well and he can read your eyes. He knows when you start to get hopeful and that's when he backs away. It's pressure to him and he can't deal with that. That's why he wants to run away.
Don't get into any serious talks before the graduation. Keep things light and do nothing that appears to be clingy. When family comes, do not join in if they start talking about future plans. Don't stop them.....just don't join them b/c that when it becomes pressure on him.
Does your family know about the problems?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have not talked with family. They have no idea. Our best friend who is also his doctor called last night to check on the medication(lexapro for depression) he switched to last week. My husband said he didn't think it was working and was willing to try something new and go in for bloodwork. This friend is a very close couple friend of ours so I was very hopeful he was willing to talk with him. The friend also suggessted they go out Wendsday and my husband was all for it. Last night Jason was again talking about our Christmas plans and the party this weekend with no prompts from me. I know I am grasping at straws but it is all I can do at this point. Thank you so much for responding to my posts. It feels good knowing I have someone to listen and give me some perspective I just spend my days stressing about what he is thinking. It is really wearing me down. We have a counceling session Wednesday but I really don't think they are very helpful. My husband has said as much but has not mentioned stopping so I guess thats good?
Make sure you have a good counselor. Our first one told us to get divorced after the first session. I fired her. The second one helped us keep it together for another 4 years...
I know the grasping for straws feeling.... but if it helps you function also I say just go ahead and relish those little moments. They are actually very telling - lets you know that inside him, he still wants things to go on like normal, and I think the normalcy helps make them feel conmfortable. My H is like that too, and when he plans a party, I go along and let him know that if he needs me to do anything, just to let me know, but I let him take the lead in the planning. It can't be helped that we keep on trying to discern what our H are thinking, but as you learn to detach it will get less and less. About counseling - I don't really think it helps, I think DB is better. Thats what I felt after going to 3 counselors. Many counselors just work on each persons happiness, together or not, and if saving the marriage is what you want, then realize its more of sacrifice and much more pain than instant gratification, but ultimately, hopefully, will lead to real happiness. I myself am not too long in this, have been DBing for 1.5 mos. now, but have seen more progress that time copared to before this.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I just ordered the book divorce busting but need to know what to do right now. We just started attending therapy 2 months ago but it has been little help so far. We are still sleeping in the same bed and he says he loves me but I am terrified he is going to make a rash dicision in his fragile state....he appears to be having panic attacts.
I just spend my days stressing about what he is thinking. It is really wearing me down. We have a counceling session Wednesday but I really don't think they are very helpful. My husband has said as much but has not mentioned stopping so I guess thats good?