This is a message board that is based on the philosophy's of Michele Weiner-Davis. MWD bases her philosophy on Solutions Based Brief Therapy (SBBT) - which asks people to focus on what they want the outcome of a particular situation to be and what that individual can do to to reach that outcome.
Her philosophy teaches a very important skill - let go of what you can't control and take action on those things that are within your control.
It also leads to an understanding, that we control our emotions and it's not necessary to ever react from a place of anger or fear or any other "feeling". When you really take on MWDs philosophies - as espoused in each of her 7 or so books - you come to understand that in each of us is a rational being that can be rocked by bad things that happen - but can still make decisions based on evidence rather than assumptions and we can behave based on a rational decision making process that takes action towards a desirable outcome.
MWD is also a marriage advocate, a respected and successful one. She advocates an action-based approach and asks each partner in a marriage to "provide what the other needs regardless of whether the giver understands it".
When I first read that, years ago, I was outraged. I thought it was the most dangerous thing I'd ever read. What about demanding what you deserve? Because that's what it's all about isn't it? In order to maintain your self esteem you need to demand your partner respects you, respects the marriage vows, respects your whatever.....
Over the years, when understood with the rest of the stuff she espouses, in the context of SBBT, what it means is we don't have to "demand" that treatment. We just need to act like we deserve it, be loving and compassionate, maintain our own identity, get right with who we are - and when we do, we get the outcome we are after.
I've been reading here for some months a rather more "tough love" approach to dealing with spouses errant in their ways. An approach that seems imo based in anger and entitlement. I get the anger part. God knows I've been there. I even get the entitlement part - I remember that feeling. But it seems very "unloving" to me to be demanding all sorts of "respect" or else. Sometimes when I read some of the zealous tough love advice I think to myself, gee, if I was unhappy enough to have had an EA/PA/online porn habit that I don't share with my partner/etc I certainly wouldn't be feeling very "loving" as I was shamed back into my unsatisfactory marriage ... but maybe that's just me.
I also worry that such an approach may win the battle, but will it win the war?
If the outcome one desires is to rebuild a marriage after a crisis, and we try to do it by controlling our spouses behaviour and actions, rather than our own, seems to me we are missing an important opportunity for self growth and reflection.
It also seems to totally ignore the fact that for a partner to resort to infidelity or other extra-marital activities, it's usually because there is something fundamentally wrong in the marriage relationship (of course I understand there will be the conspiracy theorists who blame addiction, symptomatic abuse, mental illness etc) but from what I can understand, and the basis of one of Michele's books "The Sex Starved Marriage" marriages become shaky because of a lack of communication, co-dependency and/or lack-luster love lives. One partner gets bored, or resentful or horny and they have an affair or otherwise leave the relationship. Well why? What was the betrayed spouse doing or not doing that contributed (not caused, contributed) to the place the marriage finds itself at?
There's been a whole host of allegations of "unsafe advice" being bandied about by what appear to be opposing sides.
This is MWDs site and advocates a particular philosophy. People come here, again and again, because her philosophy is helpful - for me it has been lifechanging.
I now understand that only I am responsible for the circumstances I find myself in and only I am responsible for my behaviour and choices once I'm there. I also understand if I love someone I treat them with love and respect, like an equal and never like a coach or parent.
The other comment I'd make, is that anger is a horrible emotion to live with. It stems from un-forgiveness and resentment. Some of the posts on this board are very angry. When we really get the concepts that MWD teaches, there's no need to be angry anymore. We're not looking for a threat around every corner or an attack coming from every angle. We learn that if we only concentrate on what we can control, rather than to put extensive expectations on every relationship with every individual we have, anger disappears. It's like magic. Truely.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Great post - especially for a newcomer. After reading advice from both sides, I have been really thinking about it, and I realize that there is time for everything. There is a time to beg, pursue, and let out your initial anger andfear (hopefully at this point it does not destroy the M right away). There is a time to pause, let it sink in, then start taking positive action , and for me that was when I foiund DB'ing, and it is a Godsend. Then setting boundaries, ultimatums, tough love - this may or may not be needed, as the circumstances unfold. Glad though that you reminded everyone out there, that saving the Mariage is the #1 priority! More power to you!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I read my post again, I meant great post to be read by a newcomer like me who at first was getting confused by the mixed messages and almost did a confrontation when I was not ready yet!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
