We validate people's feelings, but not their opinions, etc. Why do we validate, just to appease? If someone is angry at another and would like to kill them, we validate that they are angry, not that they want to kill someone, but why? Why wouldn't we just say, "That's irrational, you know it, and you have to stop feeling that way?"
Is validation a way to acknowledge their right to feel any irrational feeling they have, or a technique to get them to stop defending their feelings so that they can move past their feelings? . . . or something else entirely?
Hey MP, great topic for discussion. I think it's important to validate other's feelings AND their opinions too, for a couple of reasons:
- We validate to show others we believe in their right to have their own thoughts, feelings and opinions about the way they perceive the world (and that is, indeed, a right). - I think it's also important to do because it's a significant expression of our faith/belief in their abilities to cope and problem-solve. - And, I think when we stop validating others feelings and opinions, it makes it harder for that person to trust their feelings and opinions themselves. Thus, how can they ever find the internal strength to solve their own problems, make choices about what's best for them, discover what makes them happy in the world... gosh the list goes on.
We may believe another's feeling(s) might be irrational, but within their frame of reference, that feeling may have been completely rational... for example, a way of helping them protect themselves from pain. Now of course, that doesn't mean that particular feeling might be a healthy one. But to not validate, or, to actively invalidate (ie 'you shouldn't feel that way') takes the control and responsibility away from that person, to feel their emotions so that they CAN learn from them, grow or change them. Sometimes people need to experience the pain and repercussions of their feelings enough (irrational or otherwise), before they're ABLE to create change in their lives.
So, IMHO, by telling someone that they 'shouldn't' feel or think any particular way, we're actually getting in the way of their own emotional and psychological growth.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
You can't really validate their feelings, you have no say. You validate your partner. You let your partner know you care.
Ask you partner to 'tell you more' when they are talking about their feelings. Don't give your opinion. Ask them when you feel upset about this, how does it affect you. Get the impact from your spouse. If you are a man....don't try to fix this. Don't tell your partner how to feel better. Just really listen without judging whether it is good or logical or beneficial.
It is hard to begin with, and it takes practice. It is an incredible skill....but beneficial not only with your partner, but friends and coworkers. I recommend you practice there as well. Warning: More people will come to you with their feelings.
It's my anniversary today, so bear in mind I am speaking from a place of anger and sadness. (Anyone want to validate? )
I get the validation thing and I've become very good at it over the last year. It's pretty much second nature now. Didn't do much good because it turned out my W was hiding a mental health problem and an EA, but I get it and I would gladly have done that for her pre D-day if I had understood the need.
But when I'm anxious about something, I try to determine why I'm anxious, determine if there is anything I can do about and either do that or let it go. When I'm angry, jealous, etc., I work my way through it. I don't need anybody to listen, validate, etc., so it strikes me as somewhat dysfunctional that anyone would actually need that and it might make more sense for people who need that to figure out why and how they can accomplish this without the participation of someone else.
As I said, I would have been happy to do it, but it seems a little dysfunctional. I dunno - a little bitter this weekend.
It seems to me you validate your partner to make a deeper connection with them, letting them know you see and understand their point of view. That often has a healing effect but it's really just a positive by-product of the greater closeness.
It seems to me you validate your partner to make a deeper connection with them, letting them know you see and understand their point of view. That often has a healing effect but it's really just a positive by-product of the greater closeness.
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