Hi all, Here’s my story. My wife had an affair 2 years ago that we survived. She was seriously fogged, and hated me for about 4 months. She had filed and I had moved downstairs before she came around and admitted it. Once she admitted it, the feelings flew back in the other direction so quickly! Our reconciliation was great, but she never did quite drop 1 male friend who had advised her while we were separated. They texted and chatted innocently for over a year in the background.
I find out now that they decided they had feelings for each other in July this year. They decided not to do anything about it, but also brought their talk underground by using secret accounts. When I discovered this, she promised to stop, but continued. When I discovered it again, I said we were done (tired of the lies, over reacted). That was about 6 weeks ago. We’ve gone back and forth. At first she wasn’t giving up, she would do anything to keep me; I was enjoying the attention but struggling to trust. She told him and me that she wouldn’t leave me for him, but also had trouble letting him go. Through stages we’ve gotten all the way to ILYBNILWY, “I don’t know when I last felt something real for you”, etc. She’s sleeping on the couch and says she thinks she needs a divorce. She says she can’t imagine her life without him in it in some way.
I really feel like I know this woman well enough to know that this too shall pass. Unfortunately, I’m afraid it won’t pass until this affair becomes physical (if it hasn’t already), and perhaps until we are divorced or filed again. It will certainly pass in the harsh realities of a new relationship with OM, who turns out to be just a person after all. I don’t know how much damage we can withstand AGAIN, or how much I can forgive a second time around. Even if it passes, I don’t know if we’ll end up here again and again.
We have so much going for us when its good- shared goals, strong friendship, strong physical chemistry. We have 2 children. I love her family like my own. The finances are as tricky as anyone’s. A divorce will be so ugly and hurtful. She may force it, and I really feel like she will end up more hurt by it then she can imagine. Of course I selfishly don’t want this, but also want to protect her and the children from it.
I’m not sure what to do, but am working on GAL and 180. Tricky when the kids don’t know yet, and we are trying to act normal. “Normal” is to come home, eat dinner, and sit on the couch cleaning the DVR. I don’t want to go dark, GAL or 180 too much right now- it loses me time with the kids, and will give the perception later that I pulled away first.
Today, I can't help but dwell on the fact that this is the second time she's hurt me. It has also come out in our discussions that she has cheated on everyone she's ever been with (I can guarantee you that THAT wasn't on the brochure!)
Its hard to see hope, but I hate what this will do to the kids.
I think she has some basic issues that she needs to fix. She agrees, and says she must fix herself so that her next relationship goes right (ouch!)
If she's getting fixed, I deserve first crack, no?
Instead, she is leaning toward this next guy, who feels like he's got a great thing going. She feels like he's the solution, and she'll be faithful this time.....but what are the odds?
Stressing out tonight. We've had almost 0 contact today, which is very abnormal. She had an excuse to come home late, and is not home yet. I get a bad feeling about where she is, and what she'll have to say when she gets home, if anything. This is my attempt at backing off...it seems to be encouraging her to leave me in the dust and go do whatever she pleases...
Update- That night threw me. She came home fairly early, and shared details of where she was that helped me believe I was getting the truth. She initiated talk (small talk, not R talk), and we talked for about a half hour. Eye contact, smiles, laughter- even held hands for a few minutes.
Last night was similar in the friendly talk, but without contact. I asked her to come back to bed (with a line of pillows down the middle, so I'd behave) and she said no. This led to R talk, which I'd been avoiding.
She says she is just being nice in front of the children and it didn't mean anything. Drat. Trying some thing, but with more patience.
Ok, she goes out and leaves you with the kids without telling you where she is. Your turn tonight!!, she can stay home with the children. You dress smartly and go out, even if it's just to the cinema on your own, no need to tell her where you are going.
Personally I recommend meetup.com groups, they are a great way of making new friends. Forget about her, enjoy yourself for a few hrs, make her wonder..
If you bought a new car from a dealership, how many times would you be willing to replace the engine before you finally decided the car might be a lemon?
I'm guessing somewhere around the second engine replacement you would be hoping the dealership would let you keep the loaner instead.
You've placed the power and control into the hands of the person who has now rejected you, in favor of another person, twice in a fairly brief relationship.
You don't seem to be nearly worried enough about your own physical and emotional health, let alone that of your children.
If you could find your way back to being a man of confidence and self-sufficiency, you might find that she's a bit more enticed by that kind of person. It would certainly make YOU more healthy while dealing with her infidelity.
I don't know your wife, and I have only your perspective to comment on. Seems to me like some reality needs to be addressed. You can't make someone feel the way you want them to feel, and it's incredibly painful being the lapdog who follows around the master who is not interested in him.
Think.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You are dead on of course, and I feel the same way sometimes. I've clung to: -10 good years before the 3 bad ones -almost 2 year reconciliation (which was great) between 2 bad episodes -this new problem I THINK is not actually physical yet -before this recent problem came to light, she agreed to her own individual therapy, and has opened up about some deep issues. This includes 2 rapes as a teenager & young woman
Given this, it feels like the right thing to do to try a little harder for her and the kids at this point.
I don't have much left in me, but I know that if I could, I would have stood between her and a rapist 23 years ago. I would stand between my children and an ax murderer. Maybe I have a little piece of unbruised cheek to turn still?
I am hoping that if we get through this, then we have some real work that we can do. When we reconciled before, we went to MC, but I always felt like we were missing the real point. Now we know the real issues- can we try to resolve them together?
It's all good. Just go in with your eyes wide open.
Many times the haste to reconciliation means acceptance of things that we shouldn't accept. For the more immediate gratification of ending the separation, we tolerate what might well only lead to issues later on down the road.
I've always been a fan of getting as much of it fixed as possible, once you know you need to get it fixed anyway, if you know what I mean.
Sounds like you've had your own issues. Also sounds like you're thinking about them and trying to make a plan to address them.
There's nothing wrong with expecting her to do the same.
Just keep your head about you, guess that's what I'm saying. I'm a fan of making it work, all the way. Kudos to you for still wanting to try.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
