I know the feelings you are having. I know first hand.
My W is a survivor of sexual abuse.
I am not a health prefessional but I can tell you this. It does manifest itself in adult behavior and can have a profound effect on the personality and their ability to make decisions.
There is a lot of fear and pain they must confront. And it has to be their decision do to it.
Now your normal reaction to seeing someone you love in pain is to try to help. When that doesn't work and they engage in self destructive behavior then you try to control it. when that doesn't work we begin to get angry and resentful...
I don't know where you are but you know there IS a problem.
In no way am I suggesting that her beahvior is excusable. It is not.
BUT
There is a reason or at least part of the reason that you should try to understand. Knowledge is power.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it Sigh.
She has been a victim and right now she feels (I am just going by my W on this one) she is a victim.
Of you and the M
That is why she is seeking non judgment and validation from OM.
OM is a predator preying on an emotionally unstable woman.
You have a most difficult situation. Probably more difficult than most.
Your W is not just a WAS.
She did not choose what happened to her. And you did not choose to deal with it as she is now your W.
BUT
You do choose what do to about it now. And she must choose too.
My thread is over in MLC if you are interested in looking through it.
I hope it may help you understand and help you make your own choices.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Update: Yesterday she had an IC session. Usually she comes back from these angry with me. I get the feeling that the "fog" version of events that the IC gets has them both convinced that I am the worst person on the planet.
Oddly, this time she came back pretty friendly to me. I was wondering if she was coming around, or had filed and was getting ready to drop the bomb. Over the course of the evening, she was nice to me, paid me a compliment or two, sat close on the couch, and shared a little about her session.
This made me think she was coming around a little- at least right then. She still wouldn't come to bed. She's done this before, too. I get the feeling that some of this is based on what goes on with him. If he screws up, she gets warm on me again.
Long story short, I couldn't help but be elated for a few minutes, thinking there was hope....then almost immediately start to wonder about my own feelings. How much can I forgive, and how many times? Can I take a little more than I thought I could to protect the kids?
She's going to wan't to see more trust from me, but I need to see more transparency from her. This could get tricky.
So much for "coming around"- new cold front yesterday.
When I back off, she drifts toward OM, when I press she runs to him.
After the EA she swore she would never do this to me again, yet here we are. I don't know how much energy I have for this AGAIN.
I'm not perfect, but did a lot of work after the PA. I made changes and addressed her concerns. She spent 2 years telling me how happy she was with the new relationship. When asked, she had no complaints, or might say she wanted to see me more confident about the relationship.
For the last 4 months of that, she was actively hiding communication with another man, and telling him she loved him.
I wish I could fix this, and wish I had the strength for another round, but I don't think that I do. Even if I did, what's to keep us from doing this every 2 years?
Update: She said in MC that she wouldn't have married me if she could do it over. The whole session was aimed at me and that was the last straw. I stormed out and walked home. She later told me she's looking at places to move out, but that she hasn't decided for sure if she wants to. Then came to bed intead of sleeping on the couch. Go figure.
Update: We had an MC session that went well on the surface...at least we agreed to another, and came away with some agreements and some work to do.
I'm getting the vibe though that she is done, though she won't say it.
Yesterday, at my sister's wedding, my wife puts her hand on my knee while talking and I flinch. We haven't had much contact in 2-3 weeks. She asks whats up, and I mention that I thought it was weird, because I feel like she is done. She says, "yeah, I think so". Later she backs off of the statment, and says she is still thinking.
My question to all: How does DB apply to this? We already salvaged from a divorce in progress once, and I said I wouldn't do it again. Now we haven't filed, but we are on the brink. Once she does, I'm pretty sure that is the end of the line for me.
I'm applying DB principles now, but some seem a little off. For example, trying to GAL and stop obsessing- but we live under the same roof, sharing facilities and raising children together. I can't just disappear. I can't walk around the same set of rooms and not talk to her.
The few times I have, I notice an almost immediate result, but feel like doing so specifically violated my role in the family. (For example, one night went I worked late, went to gym, and got home when i pleased- about 2-3 hours late. She showed more care and concern than she had in weeks, but it also worried the kids.)
OM got engaged to his girlfriend this weekend. This has changed nothing for my wife, but I wonder if it might in time. She was upset, but not as much as I might have thought.
This also makes me question how much I really knew what I thought I knew...I guess I'll never know how far things went, but she seems less upset than she might be if they had been sleeping together.
We are spending a few days mulling, but she has an offer at a place to lease, and is strongly considering. I feel like this move will be an emotional one for her, that she will regret later. I am also ready to let her go and do it. We are actually very friendly about it right now- though that will probably pass when we start deciding who gets what, etc.
After so much time and so much indecision, I am almost looking forward to the seperation and divorce myself...but I know it will be really hard, and it kills me what it will do to the kids.
Trouble is, I think she feels like moving out isn't the last straw, but I really think it is for me. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.
