I just read Divorce Remedy while we were "trying" . Married 10 years this yr together 14...have 2 kids under 3....one day he says hes not happy---loves me not in love w/me. He just got transfered out of state and has been visiting every other weekend pretty much. He finally admitted having sex with random girls many years ago...but not since then...says we got married young and he felt like he missed out on "living" and realized that randoms werent making him any happier. He wants me to keep ALL of this a secret. His mom said if he doesnt WORK this out---she will never respect him. I told her to stop because THAT is why he has asked me to "pretend" to be working on it thru the holidays. He gives many mixed signals..never said divorce....just said he thought it was unfixable. was here all weekend slept in bed with me holding me kissing my head apologizing while i sobbed. Kissed me on lips goodbye 3 times when he left to go back. Now i am realizing WTF i am a doormat. NO MORE....i am telling him i want space. I think then i may say IF he still comes home for thksgvg that he can see kids...just not me. he stressed how much he loves me and doesnt want me to move back to my hometown. He fears he will nvr see the kids. I am afraid he is being super nice--and making lil efforts to make me think hwe can work this out...when maybe he really doesnt want to....UGHHHH
Welcome to this community. I'm sorry you are going through this pain.
Please think long and hard about your goals. Your actions will be part of determining the outcome...reacting to your initial feelings may not get you to your goal.
Also....pay more attention to his actions than his words....words will give you LOTS of mixed signals.
The affects of divorce are wide reaching. So are the affects of a loving marriage....and you can nurture that...you can attain it. Don't be afraid of little efforts...that is how you grow the relationship....little things that all of a sudden 'snowball'.
DB- thank you.. i appreciate the support. I definately feel his ACTIONS do not match his words. I AM afraid of the snowball effect of me cutting him off...but what I told him was I needed time & space to clear my head. when i told him last night- he begged me to keep speaking with him and to PLEASE not leave. He loves me, needs me, i am his family and a permanent part of him. I said....I NEED time & space... I feel that by asking that...i am not saying anything negative or positive. I still think that this marriage is worth fighting for. I also know his personality is EXTREME...the MORE rejected he feels...the harder he fights. So after many plees of him asking me to remain speaking to him he did agree to give me time. He wanted to know IF he could still come home for thanksgiving...i said of course---but you can not stay here...he said THATS OUR HOME...i said WE dont have a home...this is the house that the mother of your 2 sons is raising them. He HATES it when I act like its over...yet he still hasnt asked me to stay with him. i know---actions....ugh this is so hard.
True- you raise some very good questions..i do not blame myself for his actions...but what i did do wrong was i stopped standing up for myself and what i believed in because i didnt want to rock the boat. HIs main complaint was that i nagged too much...about him going out...which obviously i had good reason BUT when he said it bothered him...i said ok...and then would say...ok have fun...and the more i wished him well...the less he wanted to go out. I told him i nagged him because i was neglected- he was not showing me that i was important...he came first always!
I did tell him last night...I WILL NOT be apart of his games...he CANT tell me anymore what to do or say..I make my own decisions...and how they affect HIM does not matter to me!
i am not guaranteed it can not be saved...in fact its just the opposite. By me asking for space and cutting him off emotionally...i think it will either make him realize..WAIT WHAT AM I DOING...or he will be ok with it and then maybe it really isnt savable.
I believe that i made a lifetime commitment to him & god when we married. and when we had children...that commitment extended to them. I feel that I WILL be able to forgive him and i AM willing to work on this....as long as i know he WANTS it...i am fearful he will play along to keep me from moving away with the kids.
I guess what I am doing to try to save this marriage is NOT moving home...because I am hoping he will come around. It would be very easy for him to come home and PLAY H & dad and then go back and do whatever he wants.
I really dont know what to do... but i KNOW i had to address the issue- i wasnt about to let him think his sleeping around was OK with me and that I would act as if it didnt happen.
thanks so much....i am scared...and confused....and somewhat still hopefull.
