I am going to try and be blunt. You have heard it all before. Married 12 years been together 20. 3 year old daughter and 7 year old son. Two months ago wife told me she was done. She doesn't love me and has not for 5 years. I have been mentally abusive as my father was to my mom and myself. I don't ever remember being mad at my wife, i was just mean and grumpy and she was my vent. She never fought back. I wish she would have. At first i instantly went into pursuit mode until i got DB book and some others about a week ago. I watched video on Walk away Wife and saw my wife. I am now in 180. I have learned so much in a week. It is hard being patient. I think it would be helpful if my wife knew she was a WAW. Does anyone agree with me on this. Or should I stick to the 180. She shows no effort in trying to fix marriage. Thanks.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
If she is a WAW, then she's been moving towards this path for awhile. You will have to FIND patience that you never even knew you were capable of and work very hard on yourself.
I would NOT show her she's a WAW and don't show her the DB book.
I recommend you also pick up Divorce Remedy, since it's an updated version of DB.
Here is a list that I think you should read over and follow right now. You also really need to focus on bettering yourself and not "watching" what your Wife is doing.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Here you go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Thank you for your reply. I kind of double posted. This is my first time on the forum and i thought this post did not go through for some reason so i started another one already. I did not realize it took so long. I think I should just pay attention to one.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I was the same thing habitacker. I was mentally abusive to my W and my family. I did it so long, it became natural to me. Best thing is to change yourself for the better. Follow what Faith posted. Once your W see that you really want to change, she will come to you.
The hardest thing after you finally do(and I hope you do) get back to gether is not to backslide in your old ways.
keep posting and post ofetn, let us know how it goes.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Thank you for your support. It is amazing how easy it has been to change myself. I was tired of being angry all the time. No wonder she does not love me anymore. What scares me though is this change and making myself better is what she wanted me to do from the day she said it was over. I feel like i am just getting time to fix myself and get my life back together so i will be ok when it all ends and so I am a better person on my weekends with the kids. It feels like if I complete a 180 then she knows I will be alright on my own. I understand this is good for me and what i need, but not what I wish to happen in the end. I really do not get angry anymore. I think it is because of so much shame. The only anger i might feel is that it is just over for her. I always thought if something was wrong we would try to work it out. It is so hard to except that she just wont try.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I think it would be helpful if my wife knew she was a WAW. Does anyone agree with me on this. Or should I stick to the 180. She shows no effort in trying to fix marriage.
I told my husband that I'd read that there are LOTS of other couples in our situation, and a lot of them managed to create great marriages after having problems. He was not impressed. For me, this goes back to a control issue - I was trying to control the situation by convincing him to see things my way; that his feelings aren't as important as mine because I Know Better from all my reading. This is a recurring theme in my marriage - one of us (and we do/did alternate) dismissing the other's feelings because the other one is obviously not being logical. That doesn't work - that's what got us here - don't do anything to dismiss or try to diminish what your wife feels right now or you're likely falling back into your own bad patterns.
I have been going to MC. We have not discussed my anger problem as much as you would think. Mainly because after the bomb I have not been angry at anything but myself. The only anger I have towards her is that I thought she would have came to me to work on the marriage and leave no stone unturned instead of just saying it is over. I would not call it anger,more like dissapointment. I believe most of my anger was building because of our relationship. Fear. that this might happen. Lack of being able to show my love. We were not communicating. Does this make sense?
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I have been going to MC. We have not discussed my anger problem as much as you would think. Mainly because after the bomb I have not been angry at anything but myself. The only anger I have towards her is that I thought she would have came to me to work on the marriage and leave no stone unturned instead of just saying it is over. I would not call it anger,more like dissapointment. I believe most of my anger was building because of our relationship. Fear. that this might happen. Lack of being able to show my love. We were not communicating. Does this make sense?
I totally understand this (except right now I'm pretty darn angry with H's choices). For me, I was afraid to ask questions or tell H how I felt about the things that were going wrong in our relationship and that led to resentment, which led to anger. I've realized in my soul-searching and IC that I can't necessarily stop feeling angry, but I can and will control how I react to those feelings. Even if you aren't angry right now, it's still good to work with a counselor to figure out what to do when/if you start feeling that again.
